Learning To Look To The Future With Hope: Not Letting My Fears Take Charge

For a few years now, I have learned (usually through running into pain I refuse to face) to keep my head down and focus only on what is directly in front of me. This pattern has served me very well in stopping fruitless forays into suicidal thinking. If it makes me that crazy, I back off.

Lately, I have begun to feel a kind of boredom and aimlessness. Part of this malaise, I'm sure was due to another dreary two weeks of having a bad cold which never completely went away.

While fighting the above, I have also had wonderful news and interactions with friends. I have been told to look forward to next year, as I will be invited to participate in a project a friend is putting together. Because my friend knows I get easily rattled, no further details have been given.

I had a feeling something like this was about to happen. God has a way of continuing to build my life in new and exciting ways. I've learned to ask few questions, beyond finding out what I am supposed to be doing, for the immediate future.

Then the business world darn near ground to a halt with the stock market in the U. S. taking a 950 point dive in one week. Since I have heard that when government money gets tight, the poor are the first to receive the financial cuts, I got very frightened.

Understanding the facts and causes of something helps me calm down. There was a great quote in The Making of a psychiatrist. He summed up his boss as follows: "...you could set his office on fire - and as long as he knew Why, everything was alright." (!) I am EXACTLY  like that. Information is what I need to conquer fear.

I know nothing about finance, so off to Google I went.  I wanted to see a history of stock market crashes to gage what I might have to contend with, should things continue going bad.

I discovered a series of books on finance which are collectively known as "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". These books are designed to teach folks like me basic "financial literacy", from the perspective of someone who has, or is considering gaining wealth. The first book came out in the '90's and its STILL a best seller!

I found a quote about character which has helped me sort out the fight between good and bad desires and actions. For me, it is the beginning of gaining control over my own mind.

Inside each of us is a kind person, a mean person, a greedy person, a rich person, a poor person, a coward, a crook, a hero, a liar, a cheapskate, a lover, a loser, and more.

Fromm: Rich Dad's Prophecy, Chapter 1. p 18. by Robert Kiyosaki

The key here is the thought frame of reference. Am I going to think like a courageous person, or a coward? Take a situation and consider how these two perspectives color feelings and actions.

I submit my usually completely irrational and cowardly attitude toward being on Government aid:

Cowardly self:

• its hopeless.
•  I'm completely at the mercy of the System.
• I will continue to get poorer.
• I'll be spending more money to achieve less.
• HMO will choose to pay to let me kill myself, rather then to treat my illnesses. I heard a report of this situation already being a reality in Oregon where euthanasia is legal.
  
• I solve the above by taking no action on my behalf.
• I'll just wait for life to "have its way with me".

Courageous Self:

• No external situation can dictate my thinking.
•  I choose to gain emotional stability by learning how to challenge the dreadful list above.
• I am not a victim
• What if I do get further opportunities which could lead me off the system? A wonderful female comic used to say something completely outrageous and then cry out: "well, it could HAPPEN!"
• God is my source of supply, not the government, or any other external situation. 
• I am not alone
• I am not helpless
• I'm not sure he story about Euthanasia is true, but even if it is, God is in charge of the number of days in my life. PERIOD!
• I will educate myself to what is out there financially, to prepare for getting off the system.
• I will let God open any doors of opportunity. All I have to do is educate myself and plan.
• I am capable of real courage and good character. 
• Until lead differently, I'm going to assume, my dream of true self-sufficiency is starting to come true. 
• I will study instead of stew when life starts to scare me.

This is where the battle for success really resides, not in your circumstances, but in your mind. I wish all of you a mental victory over whatever you fear will destroy you. 

"Yeah?", I used to scream at this kind of thinking: "well, what if it is as bad as I fear and all that bad stuff actually does happen to me? Then what, Shirley Temple?"

I still am in God's hands and He has control of the length of my life. Joining the "Ain't It Awful" club only saps my energy, kills my hope and is a waste of my (and others') time. Nothing has control over my thought-life other then me. 

I choose to think positively, if nothing else, it is good for my body not to dump all the fight/flight stress into my system.

If I end up staying on the system, I have the priceless gift of knowledge and new possibilities for personal growth because of new knowledge. I will have learned how to invest in and believe in myself. It is always easier to keep a moving object in motion instead of starting something moving from a dead stop.

When Life Styles Colide.

I am absolutely in love with my first PDA, a Palm Z22. The bottom-of-the-line for this device. It is great, except the dictionary available for it just doesn't cut it. So, if I go up to the next level $199. I can get a serious dictionary program on a memory card.

A friend alerted me to the fact that for another $30 I could get an iPod Touch with everything I want with audio/video capability. A whole 8 GB. Let the drooling begin. We wrote back and forth and I realized I'd need to go to an Apple Store to make sure I could actually read the interface. As I always do, I began to lay out the pros and cons for an iPod Touch vs the Palm Tungsten E2 Handheld.

The iPod Touch wins hands down for flexibility, functionality and total hipness.

The Palm is attractive because I am now used to how they do things and am not sure I like not having a stylus to work with. Not nearly as cool, or "hip" device.

Then I remembered a problem with iPods and hipness. A few years ago a teen was killed over his iPod. Yikes! Unlike my upper middle class exec friend, I spend my life walking on the street or riding on various forms of public transit. Theft is an issue, everywhere, but I doubt my friend seriously worries about being killed so someone can steal his iPod!

I'm pretty sure I'll go with the Palm, as I feel safer using it in public. A hell of a commentary on the current state of affairs in the big city, huh?

So, when I make my decision, my friend will be buying me a better dictionary as an early Christas present. SWEET!

Building A Life Around What You Love

People who are passionate about what they do excite me. Chris Brogan is one of those people. He got my attention on twitter.com due to his varied and always interesting questions. Actually, another friend on twitter.com referred to him as a "must follow". This was advice I took and am grateful for. Chris is offering a free ebook: "Personal Branding for the Business Professional"

As a baby-boomer (age 55), I came into adulthood before the Internet revolution. We were taught to go to college, find something we liked to do, major in it and get a job. The assumption was of a job which could last for decades. Once work was settled we set about building the rest of our lives

Those days are gone. Sadly, it is now a world where you have to assume there is no truth or trust, or loyalty or even morality around any more anywhere.

Everything is fragmented, situational and "me-oriented. We are all tied to a computer for most of our day.  Social networking on the computer was developed as the new "water cooler" experience. You don't leave your work station to socialize, you shoot off an email, IM, or a tweet. 

Brogan's book is full of good ideas on many different levels. Beautiful lists of technology and life-building tools. This book is an outline for a new kind of social and economic structure. He speaks of a new ROI (Return On Influence). I believe this concept is much more valuable than we can imagine. Just for background, ROI traditionally stands for Return On Investment. But when I invest myself in something, I have potential influence, as my input has the ability to influence someone else. It is the start of an entirely new business and social model, built on the ashes of the pre-computer worlds of life and work.

Enjoy this man and his work. Check out his blog also.

This new model lives and breathes on the Internet. Welcome to life 2.0!

An Involuntary Set Of Masks

There are two parts to me I am becoming uncomfortable with. In a large group, say more than three people, I clam up and only engage with my food. Or, a switch gets flipped somewhere and I push myself to perform grabbing inappropriate amounts of attention in a group.

Both of these states feel somewhat beyond my control. I know that is not technically true, but I haven't figured out how to break through these behaviors on my own. So, when I had my yearly check-in with my Psychiatrist, I brought these issues to her attention. Are there any groups that can assist me with these issues?

To my great relief and surprise, such groups exist. Due to my strange background, some emotional exchanges between people also baffle me. I went for an intake interview for this group and will start on a three week "try out" next week. This group may not be what I need, but after three sessions, I can evaluate and go on from that point.

I can not express how good it feels to be able to tell the truth about an issue I've labored under for years. I hide my emotional in-experience with total silence, or with hyped-up performance. These behaviors have their place, but I want the freedom to choose how I behave. I no longer want to have my fears control my behavior.

Another victory of late was my successful visit to the grand opening of Barack Obama's Northern California campaign headquarters. I really wanted to go and see what it was all about. The first time I've ever desired to see a campaign headquarters for any candidate.

My less mature behavior used to be to plan to go, but not go at the last minute. Mindlessly repeating a pattern my family had of promising to include me in something, but changing their mind at the last minute. I am joyful to share that I actually got the transit information I needed and went to the campaign headquarters.

It was very crowded and set up with a bunch of tables where a large group of people could come through, sign-up for different activities and grab a snack. I'm talking a large crowd in a relatively average sized room. After looking around a bit and signing in, I decided it was more then I was ready to deal with alone. It would have been unfair to buttonhole one of the staff member and tie them up with being my "helper". So, I got some lemonade and left.

From this experience, I now have the confidence to visit the medical supply company in Berkeley to get a different, hopefully, lighter weight walker. A walker which will fit easier into small cars.

I have had to work very hard not to break promises I've made to myself. I used to let my fear keep me from attempting to go somewhere new. Now, I check things out. If I really wanted to roll along with a big crowd, I know I could ask for and receive help from friends. What a wonderful bit of knowledge THAT is. Truth be told, large crowds frighten me. I truly fear being trampled. But I'm no longer coping out on myself by not exploring things which interest me.

This Campaign Is Sounding More And More Like A Bad Day In The School Yard.

One of my weaknesses is a sheer love of idealism. I fall for it every time and then get upset when the practice doesn't match the theory. Okay, this is politics and by its nature its nasty, sleezy, unfair and a weird way to select a leader. But what is happening with The Republican side of things is really beginning to bug me.

The female VP quipped that being governor is kind of like being a community organizer except one has REAL responsibilities! OH, PLEASE! And it just is twirling round and round like that. All Barack has to do is just stick to his standard speeches and not lower himself to the Republican level. Where have all the adults gone?

Professional commentators are getting so frustrated, they are alluding to going off after their show and getting good and drunk! By-the-way, whose stupid idea was it to make the election season more than a year long...?

Yeah, I hear you Republican-types telling me to collect my government check and go away. Sorry, next bit of feed back please.

I went out for dinner and was totally shocked at how prices are sky-rocketing. I may just skip my planned vacation and get a tech toy instead (while I can still afford to BUY said tech toy.

After 40 years I've Become A Democrat.

My first election I paid attention to was Nixon in "68. I couldn't vote, but I was up most of the night watching returns come in as a Freshman in High School. I devoured and loved the first two books written by Rush Limbaugh. The republican philosophy galvanized my dream of overcoming my legal blindness to take my place in the American Dream.

Even after mental illness, spiritual bankrupsy and being unable to support myself broke my spirit, I hung on to the rhetoric of the Republican party. I tingled to "The Republican Revolution" and "The Contract For America". I slunk down in shame to see the shocking difference between the ideals and the reality of impotence delivered from Washington and elsewhere.

My own life got better as I came to terms with my reality. Thanks to several government programs, I am supported and cared for by God through the tax payers of this country. If the Republicans had there way, I'd have nothing, except private charity. A chill runs through me as I write.

When Bush II wove conservative religion into his inaugural, my heart again filled with hope for the Republican Ideas I still loved. 9/11 cemented me firmly as a republican. I rejoiced when Bush II got four more years. Sadly, I again fought through the bitter disillusionment of what appears to be corruption and incompetence dancing together within the Republican party.

Every time I hear McCain speak, I shudder at his age. Is this the best the GOP has? I just couldn't see myself voting at all in November. But as a U. S. citizen and a Christian, apaqthy isn't an option. I liked Obama's prepared speeches. Now this guy could give a speech!

But Obama without prepared notes is also an embarrassment. He needs to go to Toastmasters for nine months and dump the "ahs" and other problems he has when stalling for time to think of a reply. If I know about Toastmasters, don't Obama's handlers know about it?

But Obama being where he is AT ALL is historic. On the final night of the Democratic Convention I was hooked up live via the Internet to see and hear his acceptance speech. Conservative talk radio made much of the stage. Yeah, ornate, but not the regal set supposed. Nobody was carrying Obama in on a throne...

During that speech I switched parties. For the first time in my life I actually gave money to a candidate. When I hear and watch Obama, he brings back hope, optimism and a willingness to help him become president. When I hear McCain talk, I wonder how much longer he'll remain healthy enough to stand up.

So now McCain has picked a fiery woman from Alaska as his running mate.

Too little too late. I am moving on.

Since Thursday evening I've gotten four different emails from the campaign, Obama, Bidan and even Michelle Obama! Sure, they are trolling for money, but each email also has campaign news and friendliness. I like their style and will alert them to this blog, as part of my continuing contribution to the cause.

I hear my republican friends howling that I'm being taken down a river of rhetoric. Yeah, inflation is eating me alive and your people got us here.

Obama cries out: "Its time for a CHANGE"

and I join in the national reply: "YES WE CAN!"

After You're Done With Therapy, what's Next?

A friend has just started down that hard road of therapy. She's wiped out all the time and can't figure out why she doesn't want to do anything besides sit around and ... I informed her that right now therapy IS her life and there isn't much energy left over beyond that for awhile. How long? I can't answer that, but berating yourself for not progressing faster just saps energy better left available for the healing process.

I, on the other hand, have been through both the talking part of recovery and still take medication to manage my screwy brain chemistry. After therapy you begin to build a life. This blog is my example of that process, as it is happening. I stumbled along for awhile and slowly my "today" took shape. 

I have lots of work to do for my church. I am still working on not burning myself out doing the work-a-holic routine. It is so hard  to believe that I don't have to run myself into the ground to PROVE to God that I love Him. But I am getting much better at working at my job a few hours a day. Then I can enjoy other activities at will.

If you have come from a serious abuse history, your work is never totally done. I am now investigating some emotional issues. I have arranged to get into some short term group work for the problem. I was so relieved to finally find a place I can deal with my problems about emotions. Well, I came home and wept. Thanks to being on proper medication for my bi-polar disorder, I cried for maybe ten minutes and not several hours. What working your process gives you is this kind of control and freedom.

There was a time when being sad about a problem would hang my entire life up for days, weeks, or even months. It was just plain awful.

The wonderful part of being emotionally healthy is how life is always moving, changing and expanding. My church work keeps evolving. I now produce CD's of sermons I also put up on the web. So, I had to again dive into learning about how to make labels and packaging for CD's.

When I start something new, it feels like I'm dumb as a stump. Not a true evaluation. I ignore it and push on to produce labels and packaging. When I don't hassle myself for the learning "errors", the process almost becomes fun.

I am learning to apologize when necessary. Recently, I had an exam by a Dr.  She and I were both having a bad day. In my opinion she behaved badly, but for sure I behaved badly also. We basically sniped at one another.

Upon reflection, I felt bad for my part of the encounter. It was clear that my Dr. was having a bad day (before my entrance into her day). For sure I didn't make her day any better. So, I shot off a brief email of apology for my own snooty behavior. To my surprise, I got a very kind response. Probably made her feel better also. 

Another thing that begins to appear in a busy life is marvelous tech toys which solve problems.

I am totally addicted to my new Palm Z22. A little device I originally bought for reading all my eBooks. I have over 1,000 titles put together by a loving friend. The Z22 has a way to set it up so I can use reverse video. I can read anywhere and am no longer tied to my computer, or a stronger-than-normal light source.

I am also discovering other uses for this nifty gadget. I can take hand written notes on it, like I used to try and do with pen and paper. Notes never get crumpled up, or lost now. Oh, how sweet it it!

Finally, I bought a portable exercise machine, a ski-stepper. Actually use it too! Again, no marathon sessions, just a little exercise every few days.

So, for my dear friend just starting on the journey of recovery,  be PATIENT! Yeah, I know, I wasn't patient either, but I wish I had been able to hear that message when I was starting out in recovery.

Entitlement: I Waited Too Long To Get Subsidized Housing.

It is Memorial Day and I am at the apartment of a disabled church member. He has had several strokes and can't work. He has a one bedroom apartment with a backyard for $520/Mo. I confess I got angry and jealous over his residence.

For $560/Mo. I live in a 14 foot x 14 foot room with a sink, no heat, closet, bathroom or kitchen. This is not subsidized housing. But with a bathroom down the hall, careful use of a small space heater, microwave, rice cooker, refrigerator and one of those hang-over-the-door closets I make out pretty well.

I have heard many times that with my 3 disabilities: legal blindness, Cerebral Palsy and a hearing loss, I qualify for subsidized housing. Yes, but millions of others do also, and there is a pecking order.

See we disabled folk decided to make it a law that we are to be "un-disabled" legally. So, when I apply for a job, they can't have a note in my file about my low vision, use of a walker, or anything that would make me "look" disabled. What this accomplishes is a two trip stage to not being hired.

I go for the "agency" interview. Since my file looks like everyone else's file I get a call for a job. If I don't have a little chat with the placement agent, I'd show up at the work site and would be sent home! It is much easier to tell the placing agent about my legal blindness and get hung up on, without wasting hours of my life to accomplish the same thing. Yes, its illegal and no, I'm not exaggerating.

Because people love getting something for one-third of its value, able-bodied people have legislated new ways of being "disabled". No more is it the standard, "visible" problems. Now drug/alcohol addiction, being grossly overweight, mentally ill and most diseases qualify for government housing.

Enter the lawyers, after the passing of the Americans With Disabilities Act. It used to be that a blind adult was allowed to reside with the elderly. No more, blindness is considered a high risk condition and we are now in lovely segregated "disabled only" buildings that are just the opposite of what "mainstreaming" and "liberation" were supposed to be about. 

It wasn't until the passing of the ADA that any landlord ever called me a "bad insurance risk". Now my toileting habits are up for discussion. Its hard on one's sense of self worth to have to explain in painful detail that I can go potty all alone, yes, both kinds and I know if I need to vomit, to go to the potty too!

So, back in 2001, I decided it was time to go after those lovely apartments everyone was saying were mine for the taking. Oh, how shocked I became after several months of this dreary adventure. I decided to go through a Social Worker, as I thought they had an "in". They don't, but me traipsing through their office insures they have a job.

Upon entering this Social Worker's office, I met a young lady who demonstrated how one survives a drive-by shooting in one's living room. I was so totally taken aback by this, I actually lay prone on her office floor as she explained how you lay flat on the ground until the shooting stops!

Still believing I had some rights in this melodrama I sarcastically informed her: "If you think I want a studio apartment bad enough to risk being shot in my own living room - lady you are crazy!" Bad client, naughty, no! Never assert yourself. You need to understand...

This lady then lectured me on my attitude. Oh sigh! She then handed me a three-inch thick sheaf of papers with two columns of addresses on each sheet. The ones marked "open" were the ones I could contact for possible housing.

99% of the apartments were "closed" or "non-disabled", or wouldn't take MY set of disabilities!

The several that were open were in neighborhoods the police attempt to avoid. No, no, I won't go! So after an attempt with another agency, yielding even nastier neighborhoods to live in, I gave up and prayed to God for the gratitude for what I had in 2001. A ghetto room where people pulled knives on you as you attempted to go to the bathroom. (They were free-basing at the time).

Within three months that building was condemned and I moved to my current middle class location with a high rent. BUT it is safe, quiet and clean. I wish I had more space, but again, it is safe, quiet, clean and I have sunlight most of the day through a beautiful window that actually looks out to the sky and not another building wall!

People at church have been pushing me to really go for getting better housing. I endured their: "you have no faith" lectures and did not re-enter the world of subsidized housing. Oh, need I forget, I'm 153,462 on one waiting list and #1, on a second. I always lose out to an incoming AIDS patient and I've been #1 for YEARS! I finally just let them all laps. After five years, what the hell?

But viewing my friend's this lovely little apartment on Memorial Day, hypnotized me back into the fray. I was given an emergency housing hotline for my county. The person who called for me told me that this agency requested me to call them, as: "... they were sure they could help you". NOT!

I connected to what sounded like a 911 call room. I gave my story and was begrudgingly given two phone numbers. All housing recommended to me was in towns 2 hours away from where I live. Of course, some of those same great enclaves of crime and violence came up also.

I have to ask myself: Where is it written that I am entitled to something MORE that I can't afford? The Government is already paying my general support plus almost $300 a month in free insurance and medication. It isn't like I'm on the street with a tin cup. What is so bad about having a bathroom and shower down the hall, when being in the hall is so safe, that people leave their doors unlocked while in the bathroom, or shower?

Once again I relearn that to plan ahead when one is on the system is silly. The man on the hot line was not impressed that I felt I was losing my ability to walk up and down the 30 stairs in this building. They aren't set up for THAT. So, I'll walk until I have to butt-walk and when it gets to the crawling stage, I'll be screwed-up enough that my HMO will enlist that Social Worker to "put" me somewhere. But by then, my mouth might be the only fully functioning organ in my body. I'm going back to being thankful for what I have and not pursuing the holy grail of a kitchen and toilet I can call my own.

Geek File: Desparation Is The Mother Of Disaster.

I had fifteen days of cat-sitting to do in the Berkeley Hills. I loaded up my portable USB drive with my four raw audio files and settled down to get the Black History Presentation edited. So when I returned home, I could burn the CD's, make their artwork and turn in our churches first CD for sale.

Now, I have been known to sit on a job like a hen, hoping inspiration will somehow hatch. It doesn't. But this time, I was on it and REALLY, REALLY worked. Two of the four files were full of those metallic clicks from defective cassette tapes. Oh, how I chased those buggers down!

Yesterday, it seemed like my drive was acting strange and the computer was just frozen in "spinning beach ball" heaven. When I ran disc Utility on the drive it failed and told me it was over.

I was briefly returning home to my newer Mac and slammed that drive back into my machine where it was seen on the desktop just fine. Then I ran disc utility again and something got fixed, according to Disc Utility, but something else got broken, as my "label records" were now invalid and Disc Utility doesn't seem to fix them.

Oh friends, here is where you can take a small water spill from a cup, turning it into an overflowing washing machine flooding your entire home. Beware! There are two demons that will drive you to make terrible judgements. a) current fatigue and b) dread of re-doing hours of work a second tine.

Current fatigue tells you that to re-do a week's worth of work will literally kill you. It won't , but the mess you make to AVOID that re-work, could...actually kill you!

Dread of the re-work. I have a friend who had offered to buy me a program that fixes sick discs and other things where your data goes bye-bye. I refused, at the time, as it appeared I didn't need the program and truthfully wasn't sure I had enough tech savvy to USE the program. But under the twin narcotics of fatigue and dread, I was ready to jump into anything!

I now share the IM's between my friend and I. Note that under normal conditions, (when I am not out of my mind) I would rather buy a new computer than face going into "Terminal" where you can turn your Mac into a doorstop, by fiddling around when you don't know what you are doing.

My Friend: "... and not a guaranteed success I hate to say it, but... You're looking at some re-work my friend."

Me: "np, can I screw around in Terminal and fix the bad records?"

My Friend: "Uh yah... the term "screw around in terminal" NEVER has a good result."

Fellow Geeks and geeks-in-training. I KNOW he already did this proposed experiment and probably had to do two weeks of back work to clean up the mess. What was I thinking?

Me: "sok, I won't die. If I wasn't paying for a vacation this week, I'd have the money (to buy special software)."

My Friend: "lol OK. So I won't even feel the least bit bad then. Vacation! Ha! Some kind of geek you are picking vacation over a tech tool!"

I realize, I must step away from this computer. No searching, logging in, or even pawingthrough the "Help" files. I now leave you to do something harmless, like read an ebook.

Humor: I Present To You The Hamster Dance

Yesterday a friend started reviewing that Austrian incest case. No doubt she was stunned by the level of depravity human beings are capable of heaping upon one another. Is there any limit to said depravity? Short answer: no.

When I first heard about this dreary episode I comprehended I didn't want to know any more. As my friend dredged up all the sordid details I perceived my vision blurring in and out. If I didn't act quickly, I'd remember something dreadful about my own childhood.

I decided to refuse the information and made a determined effort to keep my attention off my screaming psyche. It worked, no new memories. I really don't need to waste days with more of the same "details on a theme", cogitating and weeping.

My advice is to stay far away from this particular case, as elements of it could stir up memories you may not wish to recall. If you are in that difficult part of recovery where memory retrieval is important, than this case may be your ticket to personal liberation. It is a very sad and dreary affair.

When I woke up this morning NOT having flashbacks (thank you Jesus), I began my morning email / website review. As a fan of twitter.com I read through the quick messages of friends. The word "meme" came up. I didn't know the meaning, so I did a Google search. A meme is a small piece of information, quickly understandable, and usually funny. Oh, like some of the goofy pictures people use to represent themselves.

I then ran into an example: The Hamster Dance.

This genre is about ten years old, according to some, but it is new to me. I am still laughing. I ponder: what stress and impossible task the author was avoiding, while he created this? Me, I should be editing audio for my church.

So, now that we can all have a good laugh, I leave you to return to what I should have been doing for the last 30 minutes :)

The Hidden Price of Success.

Scott Sigler got his contract with Crown Books. His dream is in the process of coming true. He quipped: "I'm an overnight sensation that has taken fifteen years."

 As I continue to follow his career I am reminded of the hidden price he has and is paying for the hard cover book release, five city book tour and finding out how many of the 100,000 copies of INFECTED have actually sold.

As I sit at my computer happily consuming his wonderful audio version of INFECTED, it seems so easy. How hard is it to tell a story? I've written stories and have imagined plots. But I am nowhere near being even a wannabe writer.

I produce this blog, but this is not truly professional writing. I have vague illusions about someone picking up my blog and seeing the potential for a book, but reality lets me know that it probably won't happen. Why?

Because I don't put in the time and effort to make it happen. Crown decided to back Sigler because of the quality of his work. Sigler has been working and reworking INFECTED  for about twelve years. He is also involved in continuing research of scientific topics, to add to the plausibility of his fictional horror yarns. 

Twelve years ago, Scott discovered a book on Parasitism. His brain latches onto the beginning of a story idea. That part is fun and exciting. The hours of rereading, rewriting and more researching can feel oppressive. Boredom lurks after the blush of "newness" wears off.

Scott is married and can't pursue career success at the expense of his family and friends. He has learned to walk that tightrope between career and personal life.

Scott has embraced the discipline of learning the rules of grammar, style and storytelling. He is willing to slash and burn his own work to make sure it is ready for the "break" when it does come. He balances opposite parts of himself.  His head may be in the clouds but his feet are on the ground. He'd like to be the biggest thing in publishing history, but what will he settle for if he not the biggest thing in publishing?

This part of the journey I'm somewhat familiar with.  I am coming to terms with having several disabilities, large aspirations, champagne tastes and a beer budget. I discovered I must like the "process" of what I'm doing, not just the result. Therefore the achieving of a goal isn't the only time I find enjoyment.

I killed myself to become a computer programmer, only to discovered I'd been happier as a data entry operator! Ooh, that realization was a real sad moment.

So Scott's pre-launch shin-dig with family and friends is held on the eve of his book launch. He has some candy, that turned out to be spoiled. He got a nasty case of food poisoning, a condition with which one can't argue. It is hard to do a phone interview with a radio station in New York when you are too sick to speak.

I know he never fantasized about having those radio interviews while fighting nausea! Crown, having dealt with a legion of authors, took it in stride and Sigler is still in their employ. People do become ill.

Day two (April 2nd) he's on a plane for Los Angeles and the first of a five city book tour. Success is tiring and after the first three cities, he found his bed at home and collapsed into it. I'll bet he didn't daydream of this aspect of success either.

One of the reasons I know I wouldn't make it as a writer is my tolerance for depression. The level of depression at the "let down" phase of success would be more than I could handle.  After several days back home Scott is off to New York and sees that he has strong sales, but not as strong as he'd hoped. How does he handle what must be a terrible personal disappointment?

All of these emotions are thrashed out alone, or at best with a few trusted friends. When you get noticed, people come out of nowhere and want to be your "friend". Usually not with your best interest at heart.

I know I'm a fan, more then a friend. Yes, I care about Scott and his work deeply. I want the absolute best success for him. But I'm also having my own money fantasies about owning what will become the equivalent of a first run copy of a signed book by Tom Clancy! My daydream is something like this. I bought it for $30 and now people are willing to pay $30,000. Wow, that would be SWEET! This kind of thinking makes me a fan, not a friend.

I study Scott's career and continue to mine personal inspiration from his honest and shoot-from-the-hip interviews. The hidden price of any successful endeavor is hours of just plain hard work.

I reflect on my current success with my church and the computer. I looked for that "hidden" work pattern and realized it was indeed present. I got a computer, programs and manuals. I had a real difficult time figuring out Adobe Acrobat 5. It took me days of reading and rereading their documentation to actually successfully use it. But from that adventure I found I could read much easier on a computer and bought serious Bible software. I love history and began the ridiculous task of reading the works of the Church Fathers, all 37 volumes. I'm in Volume four now.

Continuing with self education, my next difficult task was comprehending how to use Nisus Writer. There as still things that program could do I don't understand. But I learned more of how to learn and how word processing on a computer works.

When I made the leap to my first Internet capable computer the world exploded open to me. I read a lot of almost everything that came my way. Sometimes I long for those days with nothing to do but what I wanted to do, with no external responsibilities. My days are not like that anymore.

.

I have projects, deadlines and the challenge of learning when something is too difficult for me to tackle alone. I just turned over the project to create church stationery to someone more experienced with business stationery. It feels good to admit I need help.

Today after a little over three weeks out there in bookstores. INFECTED is doing well, nearly in the top 35 of the New York Times Best Sellers List. He'd published before with a much smaller company and when he sold 3,000 copies of a book, the company could barely fulfill the orders!

Crown sees potential in Sigler, because of his proven success in the podcast arena. So they gave him an unusual 100,000 book roll-out. Most first-time print runs are around 3,000 copies. Scott mentioned how that pressure weighed on him, in the beginning. I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it, and it isn't even my life.

Sadly, Scott and his family now have to concern themselves with personal security issues. There are dangerous people out there who seem to glom onto folks in the public eye. Scott rarely talks of his wife or his marriage. I'm sure partly to shield his mate from some of the insanity of being in the public eye.

So when you find yourself angry because somebody else got the promotion, praise or recognition, remember all that went into that "moment in the sun". I am content with my life and am not angry or jealous of someone else's "five minutes of fame". I have learned to remember those lonely, hard times of grinding effort, that "hidden" price of success. 

Taking Responsibility In Our Crumbling Society.

I have been shaken up badly to realize I am now treating others the way some professionals treated me. They treated me harshly when I was strong enough to start accepting responsibility for my life. At church I got tricked by a homeless person, who spun a tale of family suicide. She conveniently neglected the details of her resent hospital release, destitution and homelessness.

I assumed I was dealing with a middle class person being rocked by the suicide of her 11-year-old grand daughter. I now question whether that actually happened to this lady.

I started receiving calls from her in various states of hysterics. "I have no place to go. No one cares." Being I've lived among the very poor I recognized this ploy. I refused to buy into the idea that I was now totally responsible for her well being.

She managed to secure a temporary hotel extension from the hospital she was released from. Her check comes in next week. I then get the call this morning that she has no food. I heard that Lilt of victory in her voice as if to proclaim: "Now you HAVE to do something!" Again, I had to decline to assist her. I gave her information I had about various feeding programs in Oakland, but beyond that, I will do no more.

I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have food, money and a place to stay. If-I-were-really-a-good-Christian... Common sense redirects my flight into unrealistic guilt.

Neither I, or my church are equipped to handle a person in such desperate straights. We can refer her to The Red Cross, The Salvation Army or The Lighthouse Mission. These groups are set up to render emergency assistance. True to the nature of the mentally ill and or very immature, this woman refused all three options. She ran down everything that was wrong with each group. At that point, I hung up the phone.

Oh how I remember my own battles with agencies and doctors. Here I was a seriously messed-up mental patient ((self-committed, but now only able to leave when someone else judged me sane). I had all the answers for everything except my life and current circumstances.

Yes, I was suicidal. I'd been that way for years and knew that played right, someone would do something to make it stop. So, I dragged myself into yet another doctor and showed him my drawings depicting my desire to die.

I whipped the drawings out as a kind of victory. I thrust them into his hands with the triumphant feeling of: "Now, even a dumb-ass like you will see how badly I need YOU TO DO SOMETHING!"

The doctor's response shocked me into stunned reevaluation.

He rudely threw the papers on the floor at my feet and angrily growled: "So? What do you want me to do with these? Its your problem, not mine." He then walked out of the conference room. As cruel as this may sound, at first, it was a continuation of my real recovery.  This man was the beginning of my understanding that I was responsible for my own life and problems. Oh, what a series of painful lessons I had to endure before embracing the idea of carrying my own butt through life.

I truly hurt for this homeless and obviously troubled woman. But part of what Christianity is preparing us to become is leaders. We will rule and reign with Christ. What are the qualities of leadership? One big one is knowing that you can't be everything, everywhere to everyone.

If I have information the Director of the FBI needs, I'd go through the phone-channels and eventually I'd be put in touch with the Director, or one of his close associates. You have to go through channels. The Director of the FBI can't field every request for his attention, he no doubt receives.

Our 50-member church has limits as to what we can have and do. We can and do give occasional emergency food and or hotel stays. One night with the related referrals given to the people the next day. If they refuse to act on our information, we don't continue to give them aid. It can get ugly, but sanity dictates that our church isn't taken for a ride by people who refuse to seek out appropriate forms of assistance.

Leadership demands that one knows their skills, weaknesses and very real limits. I have a friend back east. It would be totally unreasonable and unrealistic for me to request him to fly across the country because I'm lonely. While he would be happy to speak to me on the phone, he would no doubt refer me to my local sources of assistance. This isn't being cruel, or irresponsible. He has a family of five to support and precious little time which isn't accounted for. When you are friends with busy people and they give of their time and resources, it is a truly loving act of friendship. 

As a writer I know always acknowledges to his readers. He tries to make his work worthy of our TIME. Once time is given to something, you can't get it back. Before my life got busy I used to laugh at such a statement. Now I thank God for the loving friends I have who are always there when I'm going through a rough spot. Thankfully, those times are becoming fewer and farther apart.

I also must manage my time. I have several types of part-time work, needs for rest and study as well as needs for some "down" time. I get overtired and ill, when I ignore these limits.

I no longer will give my phone number to strangers. I don't have the time, or resources to adequately help them. When I give out my number, I'm implying that I have the time and resources to help.

It is painful to see my old self for what it truly was: mentally ill and desperately immature. I thank God, He didn't give up on me. I knew I'd changed, but it was a shock to realize that I've come full circle. I am now acting like some of the professionals who used to work with me. I repent for some of the nasty things I thought about them at the time they were introducing me to that nasty concept of taking responsibility for my own life.

Another Example of Healing I Didn't Notice.

I listen to my iPod on the long commute to work. A song from the '80's came up. I listened in shock to what my life used to be:

Too Much Time On My Hands
Written by tommy shaw
Lead vocals by tommy shaw

Sitting on this bar stool talking like a damn fool
Got the twelve o'clock news blues
And Ive given up hope on the afternoon soaps
And a bottle of cold brew
Is it any wonder I'm not crazy? is it any wonder I'm sane at all
Well I'm so tired of losing- I got nothing to do and all day to do it
I go out cruis'in but I've no place to go and all night to get there
Is it any wonder I'm not a criminal?
Is it any wonder I'm not in jail?
Is it any wonder Ive got

Too much time on my hands, its ticking away with my sanity
I've got too much time on my hands, its hard to believe such a calamity
I've got too much time on my hands and its ticking away from me
Too much time on my hands, too much time on my hands
Too much time on my hands

Well, I'm a jet fuel genius - I can solve the world's problems
Without even trying
I have dozens of friends and the fun never ends
That is, as long as I'm buying
Is it any wonder I'm not the president
(hes not the president)
Is it any wonder I'm null and void?
Is it any wonder I've got

Too much time on my hands, its ticking away at my sanity
Ive got too much time on my hands, its hard to believe such a calamity
Ive got too much time on my hands and its ticking away from me
Too much time on my hands, too much time on my hands
Too much time on my hands
----------------------------

This is the best description of having no purpose or direction I've ever read: "I'm so tired of losing I got nothing to do and all day to do it. I go out crus'in, I got nowhere to go and all night to get there"

I lived that nightmare for most of my life!

Also notice a totally out-of-control ego: "I'm a jet fuel genius - I can solve the world's problems without even trying." Another example of "If you so smart, why ain't you rich?"

Back in the '70's, before becoming a Christian, and sadly, for many years AFTER, life just happened to me. I sat around, not changing me, and expecting things to "get" different.

I am stunned to realize that everything has been changed and turned up-side-down. I now have the "normal" problems of living. I have in a quick outline. from recovery, a  "life".

"Something to do, somewhere to go and someone to meet".

I have real friends, interests, hobbies and several kinds of work. Amazingly, I'm now getting compensated for my "volunteer" church work. Every time I go to the grocery store I literally thank God for his bounty as I use a gift card for purchases.

I'm learning how to have love, joy and peace. I'm learning to develop: patience, gentleness and kindness. I am also working on learning to practice having faith (trust in the future), humility and self-control.

By no means am I any way near DONE on any of those things. They are the nine "fruits of the Holy Spirit". I'll get to work on all of this for the rest of my life.

The first three (love, joy and peace) are things I experience directly as flat out gifts from God. As I make more reasonable choices and avoid obvious chaos from people and situations.

I remember wallowing in self-pity: "I'll always be alone. I'll never have a husband and I have to be grateful for always being alone..." Yuck-o,, yes?

I decided that while going to The Marriott for dinner by myself, I could talk to God about how wonderful dinner at the Marriott is. I just thought at God all through my dinner alone. I told him everything, just as though He was sitting there with me.

The beauty of the dining room. The brilliant sun splotches on the carpet and the kindness of the Marriott staff. What happened inside surprised me. I didn't feel alone any more. I was REALLY grateful for ACTUAL people, places and things. I spent a glorious afternoon feeling at peace and content, instead of tasting my own tears of sadness as I'd choke down a dinner my emotions wouldn't allow me to even enjoy.

I no longer get into a fight between two other people. I stay away from violent, or raging people. I also have learned that negative people do not have my best interest at heart.

Long suffering, or patience, gentleness and kindness are things I CAN already accomplish, if I want to badly enough.

I have a little experience with even patience. When I'm at the Social Security office waiting to talk to a worker, I see someone get angry, scream, yell and leap over the gate between the waiting area and the Worker's desks. ARMED security guards quickly take the out-of-control client away. From these observations, I have learned to be quiet instead of loud and threatening. 

Gentleness is having the strength to shove you off your feet when I push you as a joke.  Sanity is not applying all my strength towards you while giving you a friendly "push".

Kindness came to me via a crying bus driver. It was raining and she almost drove by me. I got on the bus screaming at her incompetence. She cried, through real tears that "I'm not Jesus Christ!" Man, did I learn a lesson. Talk about feeling small and stupid!
Now when a driver messes up I make it clear that there is a problem, but I also make it clear that I'm not going to go hysterical on them. I can have a reasonable and fair conversation even when angry enough to tell you off.

The last three are last because they are extensions and usually completely new behaviors. I had a PhD in being negative. I could find something wrong with winning the lottery. I had all the answers and never bothered to question my responsibility in any situation.

Having experienced a tinsy bit of the first six traits of the Holy Spirit, I have a new ability to think about something positive. Yeah, I'm on the system and unable to support myself. BUT there is a possibility (maybe remote, but real) that I will be able to be self supporting. I have learned to be thankful for what I DO have, instead or cursing the darkness about what I DON'T have.

It is amazing how much stress and tension leaves me when I plan a vacation NOT letting lack of money prevent me from even THINKING about taking a vacation. A good way to get unstuck to where you can at least figure out what you would LIKE to do is to let your imagination lose. What would you like to do if money was available?

Once you get a list of what you'd like to do, then you can come back and cross off the truly ridiculous. "I'd like to stay at the Marriott for five days". I settled for two really great days and a night - and actually did it! Thinking positively is the germ of faith.

Humility came to me the hard way. When you are arrogant and outrageous people roughly rebuke you. "Attitude Adjustment" is a great example of "oops" and learning to eat crow.

Attitude Adjustment 

By Hank Williams Jr.

Now I met an old friend
In the bar the other night
And he got a little drunk
And he wanted to fight
And he jumped up
And challenged every man in the room
And just about the time he got the words out
An 'ol boy jumped up and closed his mouth
And used his head for a mop
And his butt for a broom

It was an attitude adjustment
I guess it was his first time
An attitude adjustment
Now he understands just fine
He got bent out of shape
And he opened his mouth
And just one appointment
Straightened him right out
It was an attitude adjustment
Oh It'll work every time

Well I've got this big 'ol brother-in-law
And me and him just never did get along
Because he wants to make sure
I'm treating his sister right
He got drunk one night
And started beating me up
And I went and got a tire tool
Out of my truck
And laid him out as cold as a block of ice

It was an attitude adjustment
And it will work every time
An attitude adjustment
I made him see the light
And he says I'm his kind of man
And he comes around with his hat in his hand
It was an attitude adjustment
I cured all his family pride

Now my girlfriend slapped me in the face
I said darl'in that was you're first mistake
Then she went wild and her eyes turned red
She started breaking everything
And screaming loud
And kick'in me and cussin me out
And I gave her a little adjustment
On the top of the head

It was an attitude adjustment
Now she loves on me all the time
Just an attitude adjustment
She got a whole new frame of mind
She don't nag
And I don't beg
And we get along and like I said
Just an attitude adjustment
Oh everythings just fine
Well almost

She called the cops to take me in
And I said you're never gonna do it friend
And they just smiled
And said "Oh Yes We Will"
Now a stick to the head
And some kicks in the chin
And a several bites from Rin Tin Tin
And I couldn't wait to get into that jail

It was an attitude adjustment
Oh I went along peacefully
Attitude adjustment
Oh they made me clearly see
Cause my head is black
And my legs are blue=
And both knee caps are bit clean through
It was an attitude adjustment
It made my whole outlook brand new
Just a attitude adjustment
It made my whole outlook brand new

-----------------------------------------------

I really believe I've eaten enough crow to never seriously entertain the idea that: "I'm all of that and a bag of chips". Man, humiliation is hard and a very painful way to learn that you aren't God.

I misunderstood humility. It is not to deny what you can do. I have some natural talent in several areas. However, God has permitted me to really shine by teaching me things and taking my natural abilities and adding to them. God is "the wind beneath my wings". But as long as I stay under God's control, I have the joy of flight.

I just don't get to put other people down who don't perform as I do. I also don't get to take the credit for what I do. It even works on things like this blog. I pray for ideas. Now that I'm not in and out of crisis on a regular basis, I find it harder to figure out what to write. This blog is an answer to one of my prayers. God gave me the thought and the ideas. I basically just copy what he gives me. That is very different from claiming I have great personal talent and ability.

The last gift from the Holy Spirit is self-control. Like humility, I didn't easily embrace this trait either. Having untreated Bi Polar Depression shows up in being impulsive and headstrong. You don't have to be Bi Polar to have those faults, but Bi Polar Depression puts you on a whole other level of immaturity.

Delayed gratification is another term used for self-control. I still struggle with the idea of saving the money FIRST and then PURCHASING my desired item. The difference now, is I am aware of what I'm doing and am willing to take responsibility for my behavior. (What a concept)!

My time is now valuable to me. I have more to do, then hours in the day. I am not saying I have unfair pressure put upon me. I struggle not to over-work, because I am so happy to have meaningful work to do for my church. I have to set a timer to keep myself from the brain numbing three hour marathons! I am not a loser. As a friend says: "I'm one of God's kids". I am grateful to be alive. This is why I had to laugh when I listened to the song: "Too Much time on My Hands". Wow, God, like the song says: "Look where You brought me from!" 

Recovery: When It Isn't Black or White.

I haven't posted lately from being either busy, sick, or both. Tomorrow I officially get help with whatever has taken up residence in my lungs. But now back to recovery!

I was the one with the courage to turn my dad into my mother when he was trying to have sex with me, but thought I was my mother. Black and white. I did what needed to be done.

I left my abusive lover and almost everything I owned, as I knew my own weaknesses. Not letting him "talk me back home" was my only protection against going back for more physical and mental abuse. Again, black and white.

I thought I had enough emotional strength and maturity to walk with a friend while she had an anxiety attack. She started talking really crazy, violent crazy. She then became unintelligible. Then it was over. She thanked me for hanging with her and assured me she was fine.

Unfortunately, I was no longer fine. Her crazy talk scared me back to thinking about my mother and her "attacks". My mom would be fine, truly fine. I'd ask to be fed, as a small child and she'd give me food. She would talk to me and even engage in mild play. It was real, fun and safe.

When my mother would have one of her "attacks" I'd ask for food and she'd lose it completely. Screaming at me and savagely punishing me for something... I never knew what I'd done wrong. As an adult I'd black out, grab a large stuffed animal and beat it with a closed fist screaming: "I'll teach you a lesson!"

My mom knew she went crazy. She cried and prayed to God a lot, after she'd recover. But I learned to know that my mother was never truly "alright".

Now I had a box to place my friend in. She thinks she's okay, but I am afraid she may kill someone. Do I sit by and wait for something to happen? Do I call the police? What exactly do I report? My adrenaline has shot up like it did after my 2nd mugging. I'm totally on hyper "red alert"

I decide it is time to lay the hammer down. Time to "exit" another person from my life. Oh God, how I hate this part of myself. I leave a message on my friends machine letting her know that I think she's psychotic and not to call me like that any more. I also dumped on her for doing "Psycho-drama". A pastime played in every psych ward.

But, my friend, being my friend, saw things more clearly and had a different idea. She wanted to continue being friends. She was clear that I was not a good pick to talk to when she was having any strong emotional outburst. She was willing to try and continue being friends with some new insight on how what she does can scare some people.

Wow. I am stunned. Yeah, her anxiety attack sure did scare me. I really didn't want her to totally go away, but those episodes of hers can for sure "go away". Just like when I get really upset and start spouting off about suicide, I have also learned that my friends can't deal with it. It is time to go to the hospital, or at least get some "tune-up" counseling. All are available to me and my friends are spared unnecessary upset.

This is one of the first attempts to keep a friendship in my world, instead of just cutting and running. I'm sure some of you have a past strewn with those who you don't associate with any more. Sometimes that is survival, as we sure know how to find illness in a crowd! But as real healing begins, I am overjoyed at NOT trying to make friends with the most troubled soul in a group. I've learned some of the "signs" of trouble, before befriending and man, my friends are so HEALTHY!

I now have to attend to this lung, weakness thing that has been around for almost a month. Time to call for medical help. I have no doubt I'll be taken seriously. My HMO loves it when you try to get well on your own before running to them. I've never been refused treatment. I may have some kind of low grade infection going on, but something sure is going on and I've had it. Yes, I waited so long because I have issues around being sick and actually making it official. My family had issues with illness and as much as I thought I was done with their garbage - well, maybe not.

This is more of getting "really well". Sure not as cut and dry as I once thought it was going to be. Keep waiting for the angels to sing and a bright light to shine on me while a voice booms out of heaven: "Yes, thou art finished!" THAT probably won't happen until the rapture, or my physical death. So recovery continues with very little "drama". Have to remember that "dramatic" is rare, like "traumatic". Health is so sweet!

Wow! What A Great Valentine Message!

Today is Thursday, Valentines Day. If I permit myself I can slide into sadness because I don't have a romance in my life. I don't go there, as I have trouble living with me, so do I really think my eccentric ways would be good for a husband? NOT!

Yesterday was my first day with no tears after returning my check to my church to prevent the loss of my medical benefits. Did I over react? (shrug), more than likely . But it is over in three days instead of several months. (from a song), "Look where God has brought me from". Actually updated church's website last night. A real sign that my brain is once again working.

So this morning I got on my beloved twitter and greeted my flock of about 20 followers. Check out this lovely gift that arrived on my desktop from twitter.com:

"Sending you much love, a (hug), and a single rose @ for your sweet friendship. "

This lady is the wife of one of my favorite and most fascinating net friends. I have written much about him, claiming he is to creativity what a Jack Russell Terrier is to dogs. He said that was a first for him - being compared to a Jack Russell Terrier. I have gotten brain fatigue attempting to keep up with his text messages. I have often pondered how it must be to actually LIVE with this super energetic dynamo!

When his wife was pregnant with their last child he took loving pictures of her napping. I bet she was napping! Because I listened to some classes with this man I know a bit about his wife. He is impulsive, she is not. He says whatever pops into his mind. She plans it all out before sharing. Yeah, they've had to work together to keep from driving each other crazy.

But until twitter, I'd never met my friend's wife. Something got her into using twitter and to hubby's amazement, she took off like a rocket. Now they chat with each other via twitter - even when both are seated on the same couch! The kids now lament the disappearance of both of their parents in "real time". Oh, and their kids are also amazingly creative and energetic. Not a surprise there (smile).

So you lovely human being (you know who you are), how's about a run down on what got you into twitter? I'm so glad you ventured out into cyberspace. You win the prize for the best valentine I've ever gotten. Actually got me to tear up. I will mine wonderful encouragement from that message for days.

Now I leave you all to clean a house. I hope every one of my readers gets blessed with something that makes this day special. What an awesome gift from my friend's totally cool wife!

Priorities, What's Really Important?

This World Is Not My Home

This world is not my home I'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

They're all expecting me and that's one thing I know
my savior pardoned me and now I onward go
I know He'll take me through though I am weak and poor
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Just up in Glory Land we'll live eternally
the Saints on every hand are shouting victory
their song of sweetest praise drifts back from Heaven's shore
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

I was so shellshocked from the events of yesterday. I actually removed the church check from my wallet and "voided" it. I felt very, very disconnected from reality. The last time I experienced such a disconnect was the first night I left (was tossed out of) my x-lover's house. I was at a friend's home on an emergency basis. I had been working in her home for almost 10 years and yet the house, my belongings and the world in general felt "strange". I felt like I didn't belong.

I couldn't sleep last night. I found myself stairing at the ceiling and pondering if it mattered what I did any more. I could just walk away from everything and wait to die... Better figure out what is important, or this kind of thinking could lead me into the hosspital.

What does the Bible have to say about this situation? Am I mad at God? Am I mad at myself? What has me so riled up?

I felt God very close to me and realized that whatever was happening I wasn't mad at God because He didn't do anything in this situation. I had misunderstood the rules of the system which is paying my medical costs. They rightly assume I am unable to work. While this is TECHNICALLY untrue, the reality is I need more money than Social Security provides and my ability to make up the difference has been amply demonstrated to not exist. Oh man! my pride is having a howling problem with THAT bit of reality!

According to Jesus, finding Him is the most important assignment of my life on earth. I may not have the trappings of the "World", but I am saved and have a deep and rich relationship with God and His people.

According to my Pastor's wife, this is just the devil attempting to derail the blessings I'm accruing from this month of fasting and intense prayer. That almost makes sense to me, as I've been tempted to drink, use drugs and just act crazy in response to realizing I traded in my ability to get off the system for the money I need for medicine and treatment. Without my psychiatrtic drugs I truly have no life.

Using the old idea of looking for the good in a difficult set of circumstances, I realize that I am also being tempted to abandon my church's website out of anger. A test of my promise to God that I'd stay with that work regardless of pay. I have a chance to prove how much commitment I have to God's work when I literally have to walk away from compensation.

I realize that in spite of feeling somewhat "lost", I know God will show me a new way of thinking and reacting to my circumstances. He is so close to me as I write. I really have learned to trust Him. I have enough mental strength to tolerate feeling "lost" for awhile.

I now consider someone like Susan Reynolds. Before cancer she had a life and carear with all the ups and downs. Now her life has been turned insid out and upside down due to cancer. I totally appreciate her willingness to share her "hard" times, as well as those days when she is full of energy and hope. I can handle a hard day, just like she can. It gives me strength to face the "strange" and "sad" stuff just watching her whip out her new video cam and have the sheer guts to look us in the face and say: "I'm not doing so well today...". Girl, you give me a gift, every time you do that!

What to do with my friends, and they are friends, who ignore my upsets? It is hard for me not to think of that kind of behavior as cowardice. I have lost some respect for a couple of people, but maybe my mic was on mute and they didn't "hear" me. I know that wasn't true, as I checked my mic, as I tried to re-connect with them on our conference call via Skype. Somebody muted me remotely and they bailed out on me. I have to "forgive" them for that and I'm not ready to deal with that ball of pain just yet.

I hate people with no courage. Apparently to ignore someone having a hard time is how its done, as an individual I thought would be there for me joined the silence on twitter in reaction to my angry tweets. Lesson learned, "you pussies"! Oh, Scott Sigler, how I love you!

I know that kind of "silence" well. Yeah, it is the world's way of "socializing" people. Torture them with absolute abandonment so they will only put out "nice", "tame" and "appropriate" noises. Yeah, I've been through this fire before. I may be down, but I'm not out. I have the balls to "take" whatever comes down. I can't play the "pretend" game about life, as it is a short trip from "happy talk" to Lock-Down" hospital admission for me. So, I will be chided for calling a behavior I hate being a pussy, but that's how it appears to me. If you don't like that, google search on Shirly Temple movies and you'll find something more to your liking.

Returning 1st work check of $50 or loose $460!

Ah how reality has a way of gumming up a good day. I qualify for two parts of Medi-Cal, California's version of medi-cade (the federal program for the poor, old and disabled). 1st part assumes I only have a right $802. /mo. instead of what I really get from Social Security. They assess a $460 Share of Cost. Being that my rent is $560./mo. I qualify for the program for the REALLY poor and TOTALLY unabled. It pays for 99% of that $460./Mo. share of Cost.

If I take the $50 check from my church for my "work" I will be assessed the $460 + the $50 earned because I'm am only entitled to have $802. They divine that this amount is all I need to live on. So, after some angry tears and a large milkshake I have steeled myself to do the unthinkable. I'm returning the uncashed check to my church and will refuse any "gifts" as they also have the potential of getting me into trouble with our state insurance.

For those of you hankering to hire me. In order to totally leave the "system" I would require about $3,000./Mo. NET. After paying for my insurance and drugs, I'd have about $1,000/Mo. to llive on. Yeah, tried to put together "gainful and substantial" employment for myself for the last 27 years and I now surrender to reality. I can't support myself, even with social security. I get special indigent aid. I do nothing, I have nothing and I am nothing.

Oh! some of you may scream. Rave on, oh dear ones. If you ever join the land of the disabled you will soon meet the worlds of poverty, fixed-incomes and regulations. I fought until I broke and this is just the final piece of glass leaving the shattered frame.

Thanks to my anti-depressants I'm not hysterical. Eventually I'll be able to construct a happier face for all of this. I know I have to be thankful, grateful and compliant. I have to be humble too. I cried in front of two acquaintances and they reacted by pretending I wasn't in their presence. God, such courage my mates! All to make me strong. According to some, people like me have the best blessing from God because since we are poor, we have nothing else to practice but faith. Well, give me a few days and I'll talk myself back into believing that. Right now I feel dangerously cold inside. Its just anger which I'll bleed off through excess work and a bit of overeating.

In a few days I'll be able to listen to my Pastor try and ramp up my "hoper" again, hopefully without crying. This moment is not a lot of fun. I refuse to lie. I get it that when you are sad and mad no one wants to talk to you They wait until you have rejoined them on the river Denial.

So, next post will be "fun" and "uplifting". Yeah, something talks and BS walks. "On the good ship lolly pop"!

What's With The Peas? The Susan Reynolds Story

Since I virtually live on my computer, I am used to seeing my buddies playing with their "avatars". Those little pictures, or representations of themselves that go with their messages on sites like twitter.com, facebook.com, etc. I use a beautiful Samoyed dog on this site and everywhere else. But a few weeks ago on twitter.com a few people started going crazy with pictures of peas somewhere in their avatars. What's this all about?

This is an example of "social media" in action. A lady named Susan Reynolds, an artist and author got the dreadful word that she not only had breast cancer, but a rare and particularly nasty variety of same. Being a lover of life and people, as well as a lover of herself, she took her personal "challenge" and put it into a blog for the benefit of other patients and their families. In the same spirit which motivated and motivates this blog, she let it all hang out about the ups, down, ins and outs of being a cancer patient. You guys are gonna love this. She calls her blog "Boobs On Ice".

When I first read her story on The Frozen Peas Fund page I thought the name was a brilliant joke of some kind. No, this brave lady had surgery and was in bad pain. She tried ice packs and all the rest, but for her two bags of frozen peas tucked into her bra gave the best and longest lasting relief.

The movements beginning and giving $5 or more to The American Cancer Society specifically for Breast Cancer research are all documented. $5 is about the cost of two small bags of frozen peas. I love small donations, because I'm on a fixed income and I can't drop the large donations. But even I, with my impulsive shopper ways can give $5! So now I too have joined the ranks of the PEAple who have a PEAvatars.

But Susan realized that a permanent avatar change would soon disappear in peoples minds. They'd see it daily and it would loose its impact. So "Frozen Pea Friday" was born. I believe this is #7 or #8. We all change our pictures for only one day a week, on Fridays. The change is striking, as more and more little pictures are surrounded by or embedded with peas. Here's mine:

This rendition will only appear once a week. I love grass-roots, or in this case icy boobs movements. I know next to nothing about The American Cancer Society, but according to Susan they are the only 24/7 phone number cancer patients can call and talk to someone. That in itself is enough for me.









Here are the links I've referred to in this blog with their actual addresses:

The Frozen Peas Fund Page; http://frozenpeafund.com/

Susan Reynolds Cancer-related blog "Boobs on Ice": http://susanreynolds.blogs.com/boobsonice/

Free pictures of peas can be found on Flickr.com: (I did the "peas" search for you: http://flickr.com/search/?q=peas

google search results for "susan reynolds": http://www.google.com/search?q=susan+reynolds+md&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a


Be sure to check out the google search page for "susan reynolds". She is far more than just a cancer patient. I have no doubt, this illness will fade to a "blip" on her active and creative life radar.

You GO girlfriend!

Handling Success: My Church Work Is Rewarded.

I sat in church and the announcement was made that there was a vacancy on the board. If interested, please apply. I have scant notion of what the Board does, or what they would need, but I was interested. I figured a "no" on this would just be God letting me know that He had something else for me to do.

I got the polite rejection letter, and after a few minutes of feeling sad, I prayed for whoever had been nominated and went on with my life. It isn't like I don't have enough to do. I am still struggling with time management and not surfing my day away on the Internet. I am amazed how EASY it is to get lost on the computer and get nothing doner on my to-do list.

One of the things I love about my current church is their utter transparency about the business and money side of their operation. In the traumatic world of Dr. Scott everything was hidden and one learned quickly the safety of NOT asking questions about anything on the business side of the church.

My current church hands out a complete balance sheet for the year. You are free to ask about anything during the business meeting. Basically the Board gets recommendations from Pastor and after they pass on something, they bring it to the business meeting for a vote. I LOVE that!

The new board member seems like the perfect fit and I am truly happy for her. We than moved on to "salaries". I am now to get some money every month in appreciation of the work I do on the website and in creating out bulletins and most other printed material. Not everyone doing work for the church is getting paid. They combined all the salaries into one yes, or no vote and the room went crazy.

I was stunned. Unlike receiving money from a secular business, this money would be coming out of tithes and offerings given to the church. This is the first promotion of this type I've ever received. I have a bit of trouble actually accepting what has happened.

It is like my church family is giving me a vote of confidence. I'm going to keep on doing what I've been doing all along. I am deeply grateful to a friend who has been my mentor from the beginning of my website mastering. I am now a mentor for another less experienced Christian. Mentoring is its own reward, but with my friend's help and encouragement, I'm doing things that amaze me.

I have been asked to tell the story of how someone who is darn near blind is deeply involved with computer graphics and website tinkering. Some of you will see God's fingerprints all over the following. Only God could have put it together.

Back in 1999 I purchased my first computer. A 1993 G3,Power PC Macintosh with 1 GB of disc space running on System 7.5. (Had no idea what a GB was, but it seemed like I had an amazingly huge disc drive to play in).

I soon discovered that I could draw a box around the cursor and reverse the video on my monitor. Print white, background black). I turned the screen magnification up to the max, but did not actually use it. I just requested the "preview rectangle" option. Since the magnification was so high, the result was a lovely 1 inch square box neatly drawn around the cursor. Now I could really see where the cursor was and I could read for hours with no pain. I still refused to get on the internet because of having so many "getting lost" (and confused) issues, whenever I tried it.

I started playing around with all the software they gave me at the store. Calendars, children's games, accounting software and word processing software. I really liked how much easier it was for me to "draw" on a computer as compared to drawing on real paper with writing tools.

Since I have mild Cerebral Palsy my writing quavers. Even with a ruler a truly straight line is difficult for me to create on real paper. On this computer I could draw a line and hold down the shift key (forcing the line to remain straight, or at a 45 degree angle). My work didn't look like I had Cerebral Palsy any more!

I then discovered a magazine from England called Mac Format. This issue had a CD taped to it and featured that year's world wide winners for excellence in software. Oh man, this was HEAVEN. My system was too old for some of the latest and greatest, but there were some awesome applications I discovered and fell in love with immediately.

Nisus Writer was a Word Processing/drawing/slide show presenter and some other stuff I had no clue about. It also had a spell checker that didn't block the text you were trying to proof. But what made me swoon was in their drawing area, they provided a lovely grid that looked exactly like a sheet of graph paper. You could control the size of the squares and now I could draw objects to a size I KNEW was correct! Only problem, this gem cost $100. Oh, well... How many of you would like to drive a Rolls...?

I had begun to copy printed material and clean it up for my pastor's wife. She knew nothing about computers and considered me some kind of genius because I could work a computer at all. I invited her to my room and showed her all my new discoveries. Earlier that year she'd given me the money to purchase a printer, so I could get her work back to her. Now I prepared her for the fact that I was just "window shopping" when showing off Nisus Writer. I knew I'd never be able to justify the price. But I showed it off anyway, because I loved it so.

She asked me about the cost and when I told her it was $100, she cut the check right then and there! She wasn't buying it for the church, but for me. I owned both my printer and now this amazing software.

I laid out fliers, meeting agendas and attendance lists for various departments. I also transcribed some notes I'd occasionally take as a fill-in secretary. Nisus Writer was just so beautiful. It made me look ever so good with an amazingly small amount of effort on my part.

I also bought some very serious Bible Research software. Accordance. The kind of program Masters Program students in Seminary would need to use. Hey, at that time I actually thought God might want me to be a Pastor! NOT!

My old church had about 400 members, lots of little committees and a sophisticated counseling program. It was the counseling department which gave me the core of my graphics experience. Last minute is my specialty. I don't like it, but what can I do? I receive 100 xeroxed, marked-up and chewed-up pages. I'm sitting in pastor's Wifes'
car and ask the stupid question: "when do you need this?" It is Friday afternoon.

Haltingly she responds: "Sunday?" I resist the temptation to reply: "Are you out of your flipp'in mind?" and foolishly agree to it! But I know that God, Nisus Writer and I will get it done.

Nisus Writer was made for college professors who are writing things like Calculus or History texts. I had very easy ways of adding check boxes, arrows or blank lines to forms and having everything line up like a dream. I know the team at Nisus didn't really understand why I'd gush to them from time to time my gratitude for their program. But that program made me look totally professional.

So after several years I changed churches and landed at my current location. I had graduated to an eMac, system 10.3 with 40 GB of disc space and the ability to connect to the internet. Since I no longer had the visual hassle of "loosing the cursor" the internet was like a candy store for my mind. I just went nuts for news, music, ebooks and podcasts. Podcasting is where I met my wonderful padre back east. A rich friendship which continues to flourish.

I sent off my first email to a musician begging for information on where I could buy a song that was demoed on another Mac Format CD. To my shock, his answer appeared in my inbox almost immediately. And within minutes I had his great music on my machine.

Nisus was trying to move their creation over to the new system architecture. Oh, how I miss their lovely graphics! But I have been forced to mostly abandon them for Apple's Pages. I get calls from my old church from time to time:

"I know you can get this out. We need it tomorrow at 7:30 AM." (it is now 8:30 PM the night before the morning deadline) ,"Can you make us 6 place cards?"

"sure" I reply. "But what's a 'place card'?" If I know what it is to look like and how big it is, assuming my printer can handle the size, I'll come up with pretty much anything.

"Pastor's mother-in-law just died. We need place holders for the pews for the family and close relatives..." I got the layout, but color scheme was mine to choose. (sigh, I don't always do color "guessing" too well).

I went to my clip art collection and found a tasteful cross with flowers for the artwork, done with light blue/gray accents. I put it together and my work was picked up at 7 AM.

Watch God on this one. I just happened to pick the exact color scheme used by the people decorating the church! Hello Holy Spirit, how cool is this?

My current church is a teaching church using the OLD King James Bible. Church Of God In Christ is conservative, but we are at the far end of conservative, even for them. I fell in love with their strong emphasis of teaching the Bible and teaching you to dig things out for yourself. I wanted to make them a website. I Had no idea what that involved, but I know I'm smart and ought to be able to knock it out...

Another member was assigned to do the website and they came to me looking for educational websites. I was sad that I wasn't going to get to do the site, but I did what I was asked to do and (amazingly) kept quiet about my personal dreams.

Next thing I know Pastor has assigned the website to me! I took off running. I scoured the web for education and BROTHER did I find it! HTML is the basic language of websites, but there's more. Oh so much more... I was referencing websites written by professional web DESIGNERS for professional web DESIGNERS. Like teaching yourself to cook starting at the Ph.D. level in France! I whined and cried to my friend back east, who gently informed me that if I wanted to create the site in the next decade, I could continue as I was. If I wanted to get it up and running, use a program like "iWeb".

iWeb lets you lay out the page in English, just like any document and then the program does all that HTML/CSS voodoo... Yeah, I came to myself and still use iWeb to this day.
My friend mocked up our basic layout and I went from there.

Compared to the other church, their printing requirements were a breeze. Not 100 pages of fill-in-the-blank exercises, but one flat page in black and white. Woa! I could get that out in under an hour! But I wanted to show pastor what else I knew how to do. Soon I began producing color, fold-out bulletins. They are hard to set up, but once set up as a "template", are easy to reproduce.

I found a professional website for very good looking clip art. Save yourself some time. If it's free it looks like you made it, but when you were on drugs! I find great satisfaction in coming up with the ideas God puts in my mind. I just see it in my head and attempt to reproduce it on paper. I love making quality things for God's work.

One of my pet peeves is some of the substandard work that is produced for God. It would never pass in the most easy-going secular situation! I didn't ask for pay because we are a tiny church and another pet peeve I have is how some people who do work for the church almost blackmail the pastor: "oh, you like what I did? That'll be ...". I figured I could use any church work I did to get work elsewhere.

But now I'm getting paid. It is a small amount, but it is still pay. This is the first non-animal-care work I've gotten in over 10 years. It feels very, very good.

So this is how God took someone who is nearly blind and turned me into a graphics and website person. Only God, only God.

Quick Life Update: Great Holidays But Minor Eye Problem.

I am declaring myself officially "well". My life has gone from totally dysfunctional to normal as you have been following this blog. I have been made Program Director in addition to my webmaster duties for my church. By Program I mean the printed bulletins that are produced for church meetings.

This is the first "promotion" I've ever earned in my life. While I'm still in a volunteer mode, my church is struggling to make arrangements to pay me for my work. For me, what I do is part of my "giving" to God. I put Him in charge of what I do and what I receive. Takes my emotions out of it and I stay calm and focused.

Christmas was amazing. I received 22 pairs of earrings from an amazingly creative friend. She did such a beautiful wrapping job. I will show pictures of the wrapped boxes. I am trying to find the time to clean up my pictures of all my earrings. They are beautiful and I want to do the best I can with their photos.

In the last week I have been having some eye trouble. It scared me, as it felt like I could have had an eye infection, or a Glaucoma Pressure problem. My HMO got me seen within 24 hours of my call. I have bleeding from the Retina. So I see a retina doc next week. But my regular doc just wants to get a 2nd opinion. He doesn't feel I'm in serious trouble.

I feel my life has moved into the normal mode because my issues are the mundane things everyone deals with. How do I get everything I want to do done on time? What about life balance? (Not good to work all the time). I have a rough time making time to do this blog. I also have difficulty figuring out what to share with you all. Things are calm and interesting, but how many times can I tell you all that I'm making a new bulletin? BORING!

Here are the pictures of the beautiful wrapped earrings from my friend. Wait till you see all my new and older earrings - 42 pairs. Yeah, its a lot and I love them all.

As far as the current political scene goes, I am underwhelmed. I truly don't like or trust ANY of the people running in either party. I also distrust 99% of news sources to learn about what is REALLY going on. I am heartsick about the continuing slide of the dollar. I'm sure as we get closer to the actual 2008 election that I'll have more definite opinions. I am finding it hard to resist the temptation to just walk away.

Doing that, however, is very wrong. At least in this country I can decry anything and not fear being taken away in the dead of night, never to be seen again. So, I will read The Voters' Handbook and do the best with what we've been offered as citizens.