Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Recovery: God's Way.

Since I have a major traffic spike over the holidays, (all of us loners trolling the net, while we wait for the Christmas music to stop), I'm going to try and leave more content, as I wonder through the grief work I've arrived in. Monday night was an interesting combination of fighting the urge to cry and having some kind of body overload. I'd be lying in bed and suddenly my heart would start pounding and racing, like I was having an anxiety attack. I had some breathing trouble, but mentally I felt nothing. I'm not any where near done with this process.

So, I ran through Monday's events with sweet Maria, who lovingly tried to explain my friend's (and her own) viewpoint. I'm poor, they aren't and it is wrong to take from someone who is so poor. I just continued to feel cut off from humanity. Like I'm not allowed in the game.

In a way its a relief. I can scale back on gifts, radically, or fore go them all together. Why am I trying to step out of reality? I don't have to sacrifice for anything but God. I can postpone my trip to Boston and get the G5-super-duper computer I need. Maybe this is another time when I have to face what is real. I don't have the money to share. So, I'm done.

At church, Tuesday night I was angry and joked about finding my purpose. "The poor ye shall have with you always" I find job security in being poor. And "when you have a banquet, don't invite your friends, for they will just invite you again. But invite the lame, the blind and the poor. For they can't recompense you, but your Father will reward you". Yeah, I have a liscence to be selfish: so hand it over! I got asked if I was able to have a pity party alone. Actually, yes, quite comfortably, thank-you. Compared to the torture of AA meetings and their abandonment methods, this was a mild rebuke.

The lesson was on the two greatest commandments. Love God and love thy neighbor as thyself. I honestly confessed I felt shut out on this gift-giving business. Pastor brought up the idea of putting the other person's needs above my own. It suddenly hit me, people don't like me sacrificing my meager resources on their behalf (my pride), but I can sacrifice my pride on the alter for God by letting them have their way and not fighting their wishes.

We also talked about the pride on the part of the "refuser". But that isn't my problem. Although having some kind of explanation, other then just being pushed away by people I care about was comforting.

I have to rise above my hurt, anger and fear. Unlike my marriage, where my husband demanded emotion and affection out of me I had no idea how to give, backing off from sharing is easy. I'll still share, but not using my money.

When I got home from Church I logged on and started this post. My friend then emailed me, responding to my last post. I had the reasoning wrong. He, senses I try to spend more then I have. He figured this out with my declaration that he'd get his Christmas gift in Feb.! Too much sacrifice and something is out of balance. As I was reading his kind and encouraging response, I suddenly realized where my hurt really sprang from.

I use money as a front to hide behind. I may be a jerk, but I know you'll LOVE my money! My real friends are keyed into who I am as a person and don't care about the money thing. I realized I'd made money into a really filthy idol. I worshiped it because it fed my illusion of having control over my life.

This is one of the reasons God hates pride. Pride drives one to lie, to themselves first, and then to everyone else. I had to admit that I truly don't have the money I intend to spend, right nowe Therefore I have to change some of my plans. Then I was able to really cry about all the years of holding up this false front. Just like the betrayed wife, I was the last to know that I was believing a lie.

The terrific news, however, is: I'm NOT IN CRISIS! At no time did I feel the need for emergency medication, or a trip to the hospital. This was normal tears. Lasted about five minutes and my body began to relax. I was then very thankful that God has been so patient and kind with me. I still love to do the Peacock-strut, even though I'm missing all the pretty feathers! I then began to unravel why sacrificing beyond all reasonable limits seems so right to me.

My family had two basic messages for me. "God, you're EXPENSIVE! We hate you" and "Damn I wish I could make you just LOOK normal!" These two messages combined into a lethal combo which has mesmerized me until now. The message I got as a child and a teenager was the old guilt-inducing ploy: "We've sacrificed EVERYTHING for YOU!" I will literally give up food to make something happen for someone else. Is this out of balance...? Naaaah. How about absolute hysterical insanity. Looking back as an adult, the drunken speeches were not true. For sure nobody went hungry because of me!

I have always believed that two additions to my childhood would have stopped all the abuse. A credit card and several fake body parts. The credit card would have stopped the torrent of their simpering sacrifice speeches. Fake eyes and an artificial right leg would have kept my mother from her antics. She would attempting to make me look normal by scotch taping my eyes fully open, and at times, beating me senseless.

I almost could feel years of guilt and a self-imposed prison of fear dropping off of me. It is alright and even praise-worthy for me to truly care properly for myself. I rejoice when I see other troubled people begin to pull back and help themselves. So, I will give, but on a much smaller scale. An e-card will be fine until my financial situation is altered by God's guiding hand. I don't have to try and be something I'm not. I don't have to feel so damn guilty! Oh, I rejoice!

1 comment:

MacPhilly said...