Thursday, February 14, 2008

Wow! What A Great Valentine Message!

Today is Thursday, Valentines Day. If I permit myself I can slide into sadness because I don't have a romance in my life. I don't go there, as I have trouble living with me, so do I really think my eccentric ways would be good for a husband? NOT!

Yesterday was my first day with no tears after returning my check to my church to prevent the loss of my medical benefits. Did I over react? (shrug), more than likely . But it is over in three days instead of several months. (from a song), "Look where God has brought me from". Actually updated church's website last night. A real sign that my brain is once again working.

So this morning I got on my beloved twitter and greeted my flock of about 20 followers. Check out this lovely gift that arrived on my desktop from

"Sending you much love, a (hug), and a single rose @ for your sweet friendship. "

This lady is the wife of one of my favorite and most fascinating net friends. I have written much about him, claiming he is to creativity what a Jack Russell Terrier is to dogs. He said that was a first for him - being compared to a Jack Russell Terrier. I have gotten brain fatigue attempting to keep up with his text messages. I have often pondered how it must be to actually LIVE with this super energetic dynamo!

When his wife was pregnant with their last child he took loving pictures of her napping. I bet she was napping! Because I listened to some classes with this man I know a bit about his wife. He is impulsive, she is not. He says whatever pops into his mind. She plans it all out before sharing. Yeah, they've had to work together to keep from driving each other crazy.

But until twitter, I'd never met my friend's wife. Something got her into using twitter and to hubby's amazement, she took off like a rocket. Now they chat with each other via twitter - even when both are seated on the same couch! The kids now lament the disappearance of both of their parents in "real time". Oh, and their kids are also amazingly creative and energetic. Not a surprise there (smile).

So you lovely human being (you know who you are), how's about a run down on what got you into twitter? I'm so glad you ventured out into cyberspace. You win the prize for the best valentine I've ever gotten. Actually got me to tear up. I will mine wonderful encouragement from that message for days.

Now I leave you all to clean a house. I hope every one of my readers gets blessed with something that makes this day special. What an awesome gift from my friend's totally cool wife!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Priorities, What's Really Important?

This World Is Not My Home

This world is not my home I'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

They're all expecting me and that's one thing I know
my savior pardoned me and now I onward go
I know He'll take me through though I am weak and poor
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Just up in Glory Land we'll live eternally
the Saints on every hand are shouting victory
their song of sweetest praise drifts back from Heaven's shore
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

I was so shellshocked from the events of yesterday. I actually removed the church check from my wallet and "voided" it. I felt very, very disconnected from reality. The last time I experienced such a disconnect was the first night I left (was tossed out of) my x-lover's house. I was at a friend's home on an emergency basis. I had been working in her home for almost 10 years and yet the house, my belongings and the world in general felt "strange". I felt like I didn't belong.

I couldn't sleep last night. I found myself stairing at the ceiling and pondering if it mattered what I did any more. I could just walk away from everything and wait to die... Better figure out what is important, or this kind of thinking could lead me into the hosspital.

What does the Bible have to say about this situation? Am I mad at God? Am I mad at myself? What has me so riled up?

I felt God very close to me and realized that whatever was happening I wasn't mad at God because He didn't do anything in this situation. I had misunderstood the rules of the system which is paying my medical costs. They rightly assume I am unable to work. While this is TECHNICALLY untrue, the reality is I need more money than Social Security provides and my ability to make up the difference has been amply demonstrated to not exist. Oh man! my pride is having a howling problem with THAT bit of reality!

According to Jesus, finding Him is the most important assignment of my life on earth. I may not have the trappings of the "World", but I am saved and have a deep and rich relationship with God and His people.

According to my Pastor's wife, this is just the devil attempting to derail the blessings I'm accruing from this month of fasting and intense prayer. That almost makes sense to me, as I've been tempted to drink, use drugs and just act crazy in response to realizing I traded in my ability to get off the system for the money I need for medicine and treatment. Without my psychiatrtic drugs I truly have no life.

Using the old idea of looking for the good in a difficult set of circumstances, I realize that I am also being tempted to abandon my church's website out of anger. A test of my promise to God that I'd stay with that work regardless of pay. I have a chance to prove how much commitment I have to God's work when I literally have to walk away from compensation.

I realize that in spite of feeling somewhat "lost", I know God will show me a new way of thinking and reacting to my circumstances. He is so close to me as I write. I really have learned to trust Him. I have enough mental strength to tolerate feeling "lost" for awhile.

I now consider someone like Susan Reynolds. Before cancer she had a life and carear with all the ups and downs. Now her life has been turned insid out and upside down due to cancer. I totally appreciate her willingness to share her "hard" times, as well as those days when she is full of energy and hope. I can handle a hard day, just like she can. It gives me strength to face the "strange" and "sad" stuff just watching her whip out her new video cam and have the sheer guts to look us in the face and say: "I'm not doing so well today...". Girl, you give me a gift, every time you do that!

What to do with my friends, and they are friends, who ignore my upsets? It is hard for me not to think of that kind of behavior as cowardice. I have lost some respect for a couple of people, but maybe my mic was on mute and they didn't "hear" me. I know that wasn't true, as I checked my mic, as I tried to re-connect with them on our conference call via Skype. Somebody muted me remotely and they bailed out on me. I have to "forgive" them for that and I'm not ready to deal with that ball of pain just yet.

I hate people with no courage. Apparently to ignore someone having a hard time is how its done, as an individual I thought would be there for me joined the silence on twitter in reaction to my angry tweets. Lesson learned, "you pussies"! Oh, Scott Sigler, how I love you!

I know that kind of "silence" well. Yeah, it is the world's way of "socializing" people. Torture them with absolute abandonment so they will only put out "nice", "tame" and "appropriate" noises. Yeah, I've been through this fire before. I may be down, but I'm not out. I have the balls to "take" whatever comes down. I can't play the "pretend" game about life, as it is a short trip from "happy talk" to Lock-Down" hospital admission for me. So, I will be chided for calling a behavior I hate being a pussy, but that's how it appears to me. If you don't like that, google search on Shirly Temple movies and you'll find something more to your liking.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Returning 1st work check of $50 or loose $460!

Ah how reality has a way of gumming up a good day. I qualify for two parts of Medi-Cal, California's version of medi-cade (the federal program for the poor, old and disabled). 1st part assumes I only have a right $802. /mo. instead of what I really get from Social Security. They assess a $460 Share of Cost. Being that my rent is $560./mo. I qualify for the program for the REALLY poor and TOTALLY unabled. It pays for 99% of that $460./Mo. share of Cost.

If I take the $50 check from my church for my "work" I will be assessed the $460 + the $50 earned because I'm am only entitled to have $802. They divine that this amount is all I need to live on. So, after some angry tears and a large milkshake I have steeled myself to do the unthinkable. I'm returning the uncashed check to my church and will refuse any "gifts" as they also have the potential of getting me into trouble with our state insurance.

For those of you hankering to hire me. In order to totally leave the "system" I would require about $3,000./Mo. NET. After paying for my insurance and drugs, I'd have about $1,000/Mo. to llive on. Yeah, tried to put together "gainful and substantial" employment for myself for the last 27 years and I now surrender to reality. I can't support myself, even with social security. I get special indigent aid. I do nothing, I have nothing and I am nothing.

Oh! some of you may scream. Rave on, oh dear ones. If you ever join the land of the disabled you will soon meet the worlds of poverty, fixed-incomes and regulations. I fought until I broke and this is just the final piece of glass leaving the shattered frame.

Thanks to my anti-depressants I'm not hysterical. Eventually I'll be able to construct a happier face for all of this. I know I have to be thankful, grateful and compliant. I have to be humble too. I cried in front of two acquaintances and they reacted by pretending I wasn't in their presence. God, such courage my mates! All to make me strong. According to some, people like me have the best blessing from God because since we are poor, we have nothing else to practice but faith. Well, give me a few days and I'll talk myself back into believing that. Right now I feel dangerously cold inside. Its just anger which I'll bleed off through excess work and a bit of overeating.

In a few days I'll be able to listen to my Pastor try and ramp up my "hoper" again, hopefully without crying. This moment is not a lot of fun. I refuse to lie. I get it that when you are sad and mad no one wants to talk to you They wait until you have rejoined them on the river Denial.
So, next post will be "fun" and "uplifting". Yeah, something talks and BS walks. "On the good ship lolly pop"!

Friday, February 01, 2008

What's With The Peas? The Susan Reynolds Story

Since I virtually live on my computer, I am used to seeing my buddies playing with their "avatars". Those little pictures, or representations of themselves that go with their messages on sites like,, etc. I use a beautiful Samoyed dog on this site and everywhere else. But a few weeks ago on a few people started going crazy with pictures of peas somewhere in their avatars. What's this all about?

This is an example of "social media" in action. A lady named Susan Reynolds, an artist and author got the dreadful word that she not only had breast cancer, but a rare and particularly nasty variety of same. Being a lover of life and people, as well as a lover of herself, she took her personal "challenge" and put it into a blog for the benefit of other patients and their families. In the same spirit which motivated and motivates this blog, she let it all hang out about the ups, down, ins and outs of being a cancer patient. You guys are gonna love this. She calls her blog "Boobs On Ice".

When I first read her story on The Frozen Peas Fund page I thought the name was a brilliant joke of some kind. No, this brave lady had surgery and was in bad pain. She tried ice packs and all the rest, but for her two bags of frozen peas tucked into her bra gave the best and longest lasting relief.

The movements beginning and giving $5 or more to The American Cancer Society specifically for Breast Cancer research are all documented. $5 is about the cost of two small bags of frozen peas. I love small donations, because I'm on a fixed income and I can't drop the large donations. But even I, with my impulsive shopper ways can give $5! So now I too have joined the ranks of the PEAple who have a PEAvatars.

But Susan realized that a permanent avatar change would soon disappear in peoples minds. They'd see it daily and it would loose its impact. So "Frozen Pea Friday" was born. I believe this is #7 or #8. We all change our pictures for only one day a week, on Fridays. The change is striking, as more and more little pictures are surrounded by or embedded with peas. Here's mine:

This rendition will only appear once a week. I love grass-roots, or in this case icy boobs movements. I know next to nothing about The American Cancer Society, but according to Susan they are the only 24/7 phone number cancer patients can call and talk to someone. That in itself is enough for me.

Here are the links I've referred to in this blog with their actual addresses:

The Frozen Peas Fund Page;

Susan Reynolds Cancer-related blog "Boobs on Ice":

Free pictures of peas can be found on (I did the "peas" search for you:

google search results for "susan reynolds":

Be sure to check out the google search page for "susan reynolds". She is far more than just a cancer patient. I have no doubt, this illness will fade to a "blip" on her active and creative life radar.

You GO girlfriend!