Bringing Every Thought Under Control. Fighting Negative Emotions.

Sitting at my computer in numb disbelief I ponder what the State of California has done to me. After I get through paying Medicare, HMO (they work together), rent, Internet, cell phone, bus pass, food and Netflix I have a whole $12 left at the END of each month! Rage begins to build. Losing all perspective I march down to my landlord's office to tell him of this lousy state of affairs. I do nothing to mask my rage. My landlord's two dogs begin fighting.

I remember immediately that my emotions are out of control and feel bad that I have encouraged some kind of problem between two loving animals. The dog fight brings me back to reality. I have a situation, not a disaster. God hasn't vacated His throne, but I need to grow up emotionally.

When I go to church and play "pity me, like I'm pitying myself" games I get gently, but firmly put in my place. When I am honest and state why I'm upset, I am comforted and gently reminded that I am still blessed. (But it is alright to be sad, or angry. You just can't attempt to stay in that unhappy place).

Oh how I hate hearing similar things in church all the time. "I was mad because I had no shoes, until I saw a person who had no feet." This encourages perspective and gratitude. (From time to time I detest being told I should remember to be thankful).

I heard from a friend last night. She was very down. Thank goodness I have learned a bit of restraint. I don't like looking at someone Else's depression when I feel close to depression myself. I resisted the very real temptation to tell her to "get over it."

Like me, she loses perspective, getting mad, jealous and envious. With those things ruling her mind, she then settles down to remember what a total failure she is. (Man, I flirt with this stuff constantly).

I have made some money with my work. Being alone in a house with a cat, or a dog can be difficult. Without the weekly church meetings, it is very easy for me to get lost in ME. Before my friend called, I'd been pondering my choices about my money:

Go to hotel for a night with an expensive dinner OR

buy new walking shoes, a computer desk and new shelving.

I cannot do it all. I fought despair all day, but gave in a bit with a nap. I felt my attitude deteriorating into apathy, despair, rage. Coming up the rear - good 'ol self hatred. (You know you could have gotten off the system and gotten a real job, if you weren't such a lazy failure).

That last bit is a total load of garbage. Back to what I know works.

God I am thankful for ...?

God I trust You and I will continue to put you first in my life.

God, help me to start thinking of someone else, who isn't blessed like I am, RIGHT NOW!

My friend and I had a good long talk. She thanked me for helping her get perspective. I have to thank her for showing me how important the constant reinforcement of church has strengthened me for the times my work forces me to be alone. I clearly see that my emotional strength and stability comes from hanging around God and His people.

Yes, I need medication. Without it, I believe I'm a spider who needs to be killed. But with a stabilized mind I have some say as to how depressed I become. The consequences of letting myself fall into a total emotional collapse are harder to recover from, then the effort it takes to stop an emotional slide before it turns into a physical, chemical reaction. Said reaction would require medical intervention. Funny, I believe I'm learning to actually grow up.

I know my friend faces similar temptations. Thankfully, she has the means to secure some therapy. A process which will unlock some of those terrible prisons of her past. She claims I helped her. God helped us both. I prayed to Him as I spoke to my friend. He answered questions for both of us. I see growth and hope.

Financially, it isn't as grim as I first stated. I save some money each month which brings my play money down to $12. Maybe I can accept having to WAIT until I've saved the money before I just go out and buy something? What a concept. It seems silly, but if I save money first, I can give myself those lovely moments of having money to just "blow". Maturity requires planning, whereas letting myself just be impulsive causes me to borrow money. I'm tired of having people ask me, "But, what happened to the money..." If I never hear that question again, this self-discipline thing will have been totally worth the struggle.

Gads, My Life Has Been Totally Transformed: Different Calendars For Different Things.

I am in love with Gmail and most things Google. They offer a calendar with your account and it is great. It is easy to add or delete or change an event. They also included the ability to have shared calendars with friends. I get the concept, but most of my on-line friends live thousands of miles away. They also haave a way for one person to have several different calendars.

I stopped and pondered why in the world would I want to have more then one calendar when I'm the one involved in all activities listed on said calendar? (One color calendar).


When you start really moving from surviving to thriving, you have more energy to do
things. Events started to overlap. I found myself attempting to figure out overlapping job duties. Cat job ends in the morning and dog sitting starts as soon as I leave cat gig. Now I had a reason to visually understand when different events were happening on the same day. Coloring Book 1A. (Multi-color calendar)

Make separate calendars for dog , cat and church. I hated the thought of having to re-enter events from one calendar into another. But all I have to do is go to the calendar drop-down menu within any event and select a new calendar. BAMB! New color for an already established event! Darn, what a concept!

Long ago, back when I had a paper week-at-a-glance book, I learned that if you didn't make it into my calendar, you didn't exist. I have a terrible memory for details like that. From time to time I'd double-book myself at two events at the same time! Lunch with Cathy AND cleaning a house somewhere. That book with all my events in it saved me more then once.

Now the same thing is all on-line.

In having to do this I am stunned to remember the time when I had very little to do and even less willingness to engage with events (even if I did have something to do). Now I have all sorts of things happening all the time. Just the way I like it.

Calendar reminds me of re-occurring stuff like bills (I choose not to pay on-line automatically), Dr. and social appointments, work and the mountain of church details I need to know.

Tools don't make sense until you have a need for them.

Once Again I comprehend: I've moved out of even recovery and into having a "real life."


I rarely have to stop, turn around and face some memory which I need to "process". Depression does come, but most of the time it is like being tempted to visit an old habit. When I don't want to do, or face something. I feel that pawl come over me. A feeling like I've lost everything good in the world. I have decided to fight that with a dose of reality.

Yeah, I have financial issues and problems, but: " THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE AND I WILL rejoice in it." (Psalm 118:24.) I start to find things that are good with the "right now." I hate the rain, but I'm dry and warm on a bus. I'm thankful to have somewhere to go. I'm thankful there IS a bus. AND I'm thankful I am not so disabled I can't ride said bus. I find the more I practice the above, the faster the depression leaves.

Now I am growing more of a conscience. I used to "lift" certain material off the internet with the help of friends. I discovered I can't do that anymore. When I tried it last week and went to church to pray, I couldn't pray. I knew I had to fes up to bad behavior and resolve to get rid of what I'd swiped. I had to make up my mind to steal no more. OUCH!

Close friends are more then happy to teach me all those "little things." I never learned in childhood. keeping yourself honest with others and yourself stops a whole lot of people issues, too.

To living life!

(Re)-Learning To Play The Piano Is A Lot Like Life.

My Casio keyboard is standing against the wall in my room. I've made up my mind I'm going to find someone to teach me to play the piano by ear. I refuse to fight with sheet music any more. I found an audio course on the net by Bill Brown, who provides Music By Ear" lessons for very reasonable prices.

I made a CD of the first course and took off for two weeks of cat-sitting in a house with a real Grand piano! I indulged those silly images of me wow-ing some audience somewhere. But I played the piano in college and I know it can be done. I forgot about the "frustration" element.

Of course the first few lessons were a breeze. Mary Had A Little Lamb never sounded so good. Heck, this is EASY!

Then Mr. Brown brought me back to reality. I learned the C major scale. I remembered some of the cross-over, Cross-under finger movements, so I proceeded, perhaps a bit slower.

Then he taught me something totally new. In every key, there are chords built within that key. My job was to learn the chords: C, F, and G. How to move from Chord to chord with each hand separately, and then (the real challenge) playing both hands at the same time.

Years ago I injured the fourth finger on the right hand, the ring finger. It is permanently bend up at the joint closest to the fingertip. Playing notes without adding that lazy fourth finger is do-able, but playing three fingers at once and not laying down that fourth finger is darn near impossible.

I quickly found that I can tolerate a total practice time of ten minutes. Half on scales and the rest of the time on those dreaded chords. I see progress, but only at a snails pace. I believe it is this very frustrating time of drill learning which keeps many people from continuing with an instrument. How many times in life have I gotten bogged-down and just quit?

Yeah, my sorry blundering will clear up into correctly played chords and tunes. My time will increase, but I have to be patient and consistent. That "a little bit everyday" routine. I can do this like a motorist at a stoplight gunning the engine, or I can accept reality and relax. Slow is not the same thing as making NO progress. That is, unless I just walk away in disgust and let someone else learn to play, while I drift into jealousy. It is a situation entirely within my control.

I choose to hit it again tomorrow for at least ten minutes and I'll report from time to time, as my skill level increases.

Say "ba-bye" To Ethics: Thanks Microsoft

I never thought I'd see a business so blatantly abandon all ethics.

When times were good Microsoft gave away free domains for life when you signed up for Office Live. After the passing of time they had to change the terms. Existing "free" domains stayed that way, but the new people. You've now gotta pay. That's fair, as we've all watched the current economic upheaval. But now EVERYBODY pays. "Free" isn't "Free" anymore.

Microsoft's addition to this year's lexicon: "Its a change".

Microsoft back pedals on "free domain for life": Buzz Out Loud #1038:

Enjoy this pod cast. They do an excellent job with this sad tale.

Learning To Embrace Unpleasant Tasks As Part Of A Great Life

This morning the temperature was mild, the sun was streaming through the curtains and the cat I'm looking after was outside at play. Thanks to my Brita water filter pitcher and portable coffee maker the house had that great scent of freshly brewed coffee. I sat at the dining room table with deep satisfaction, looking over my prepared meal. All I had to do now was enjoy it. Something stirred in my mind. Why haven't I been doing things like this all along?

Usually, when doing pet care, I'd either eat what the owner or I bought. I'd choose the easy, frozen and quick. Substantial nutrition: corn dogs, pizzas, Fudge Brownie Ice Cream and lots of instant coffee.

After six weeks of a very scary bout with the flu I changed my diet and my world. No white sugar or chemicals. I have gone organic. But I know how my employers would react if I asked them to provide water filtration and "only-organic-fresh-blah-blah-blah" food. Most people assume a fresh carrot from Safeway is the same as a fresh carrot from Trader Joe's, or Whole Foods. No, but I realized it was my problem, not my employers problem.

Now I require a medium suitcase and a backpack along with my walker when I am away from home for work, or even on vacation. I have to plan, work and plan again to keep up my new diet, even when I don't feel like it.

I didn't want to go to all that effort for a ten-day job. But drinking unfiltered water really bothers me after a few days. So, I cleared the laundry out of my medium suitcase and started packing.

Water filter and new portable coffee maker, filters, coffee, medications, vitamins, jar of nuts, produce from my refrigerator that had to come with me, or wilt while I am away. Sigh, then I had to deal with clothes and toiletries. Organic soap, shampoo and after over ten years a new Gelette Fusion razor. (Whoa, that is a great razor). I could feel my back ache under the load of the backpack.

I caught myself toying with the temptation to "forget the whole thing". But I am afraid of getting sick again, so I began this new adventure. Medium suitcase on walker seat, backpack on my back and I'm off to work. Bus drivers and fellow passengers were wonderful. I had use of the bus lift and passengers were eager to help with the suitcase.

Getting up and down stairs is now a two part process. Suitcase goes down on first trip and then I come back with the walker. Then suitcase rides the walker and I continue the journey. I was shocked at how I resented having to do all this extra work.

A few moments in prayer reminded me of how fortunate I am to a) have a job to go to b) have the ability and strength to walk and lift weight and c) the funds to buy the water filter and coffee maker. Some people can't walk, or carry, or buy anything. They are bedridden and too sick to go anywhere. Returning to being grateful for the many good things in my life stopped my "Its tragic, me having to work so hard" pity party.

I began learning a new lesson about work when I went on the mini cruise to Vancouver Canada. There were experiences aboard ship that I found jaw-dropping wonderful. Moments of religious splendor, being awed by the beauty and size of the open ocean. The food was as good or even better than what I enjoyed at Squaw Creek up in the Sierras.

There were also moments where I wanted to scream in total frustration. Due to the Swine Flu outbreak, all ships bound for Mexico were diverted. Many of them came to Vancouver. Each ship carrying between 2,000 and 7,000 passengers. We were ship four and instead of leaving the ship on schedule, we were hung up in the bay for almost an hour before we even got to the dock!

The last morning on a ship is a bit insane. Everyone has to eat and get their rooms cleared out by a certain time. Then we all gather to get off the ship and WAIT. That entire morning tried all my spiritual skills. While hating the situation I remember longing for the "easy" Courtyard Hotel vacation with a hot tub in the room... Man, I'll never do this cruise stuff again!

Then I remembered some of the great parts of the cruise. Maybe some of the good part comes with something that is hard. This was an entirely new concept for me. I'd learned it on the job, but I'd always shied away from "hard" everywhere else in my life.

I had already planned to do a longer cruise to visit the glaciers of Alaska. But I kept coming back to this having to wait issue. Waiting in line for food, during the safety drill and while Canada processed our ship to come into their port. Yeah, I'd put up with the hard, because there were other parts of a cruise which are completely worth the effort.

I now realize I've had to take this same lesson into life in general. It is a bit difficult to lug my extra things to a work location. But, it is so nice to have the water I like and fresh brewed coffee. It is also worth the effort of preparation when I sit down to a lovely omelet, or complex salad. One thing about fresh fruit and vegetables, they have work associated with their presence in a meal.

I am shocked to realize that as a child, the neglect I experienced taught me all the wrong things about caring for myself. My parents were troubled, ill people. However, I lived on jars of cold baby food until I was put into a foster home at age seven. My parents were arrested for child neglect while I was taken from them in a police car.

When this came out in therapy my Doctor got extremely upset. I was nowhere near having a clue as to why this wasn't a good way to care for a child. Most of the time mommy remembered to keep baby food in "my cabinet" and I could get it whenever I wanted. My Doctor pointed out that this scheme also made it possible for my parents both to be in alcoholic stupors without having to feed their child. (oops).

My mother hated having to deal with me. Sadly, even after years of therapy and being around loving friends, I still carried that pattern of loathing to put in effort for myself. Now, if YOU were coming over, heck, I'd bust my back to make it all nice. But for me?

Up until my diet change, I'd hate to do work for myself so much I'd sometimes not bother to go to the store when I needed food. I'd just live on rice, or noodles, or whatever was around.

SURPRISE!

Just like in my childhood!

Oh nuts!

This is very painful to write. Until I wrote of it, I'd never realized my "funk" about not shopping was just re-visiting my life of being a neglected child. Now that it is out in the open God can cure me of it, like He has freed me from so many other crazy patterns from the past.

I long to tell you all, that knowledge will set you free, but I've known about the baby food deal for 20 years, but never realized I was still acting out that self-hatred I learned from my mother. I'm glad I finally got the lesson, but God, how I hate the never-ending process of attempting to have a normal life, learning to thrive, and not just to survive child abuse.

Once You Stop Eating Chemicals & Sugar, This Diet Is Self-Correcting.

Well, its rolling into the 3rd or 4Th week of seriously eliminating as much crud from my diet as is humanly possible. I've hit that time we all know so well. It isn't new, novel or exciting anymore.

Oh Lord, I hate having to explain to people at church why I no longer eat deserts, why I don't drink Coke, or 99% of what's popular as "comfort/party" food. I find my mind longing for, oh, chocolate cake, Doritos and sugar and milk in my coffee!

I discovered that putting milk in my coffee sets off the "this would be PERFECT with some SUGAR longings. So, (sigh), I now take coffee black.

Last Thursday the ladies at church had a real "tea party". We were exploring this as a possible fund-raiser for later in the summer. It was totally awesome. China tea pots, decaffeinated tea and HEALTHY food. Salad, Fruit medley and baked chicken. I felt free to chow down. It was all wonderful.

Suddenly I saw (out of the corner of my eye) that platter of already sliced yellow cake with chocolate icing go by. I stopped my friend and got my piece of this "no-no, oh-heck-I-can-get-away-with-this." desert.

I was surprised that it didn't taste as good as I remembered, but I cleaned up my plate.

Friday I woke up late feeling "strange". I sensed that something wasn't right. I felt like I was sick enough to have to not go to noon prayer. Nah, just lazy. I got up and -- aw-oh! I had the "trots".

It took almost 12 hours for my poor digestive system to stop having its tantrum. I had plans for this day and holding court on the throne was not on my agenda.

So, now I realize that, at least when it comes to sugary deserts, my body will force me to give them up. That is a first!

Once the sugar again cleared out of my system, I returned to my stronger state of health. I have slight lung congestion, but I suspect that is simply my immune system finally having enough room to clear out some of the damage I've done to my body via over 10 years of smoking cigarettes, pot and hash.

Well, that's it from the health front. I will be writing of my two mini-vacations (with pictures) over the next few weeks.

I have to brag. I worked 11 hours today, taking frequent brakes, but no actual nap and I still have energy to take care of a blog post, dinner and spending some time with a vaporizer. Its a miracle I tell ya, just a plain miracle.

Since I don't use the Gabriel Method CD, what do I do to replace that part of his plan? I spend at least ten minutes a day sitting in God's presence thanking him for what I desire. A truly healthy body.

I thank Him for helping me to root out all those old memories of abuse which still make me angry. I have to "release my right to punish". 'I release them and pray that good things will happen to them. If I am grinding my teeth in rage while I do this, I know I still have to work on that person, or institution.

I thank Him for the gifts of protection and assurance, which are healing and bringing to the surface people I'd thought I was finished being angry at. When I catch myself wanting to hurt them, I know I have work to do. The more I do, the more stuff comes up. Getting rid of all that free-floating rage can't be anything but good for my body, soul and spirit.

Prayer really heals all that anger. After awhile, God shows me something about the person which causes me to see what they did in a more realistic light. Something which brings up my true compassion for them. Then after several more days, I realize I've stopped having the "rage fantasies". When those little movies of me smashing in a skull, or stabbing someone truly stop, I know I'm over one more person who is a lot more troubled then I have ever been.

Do I always want to attend to all of this? Heck NO, but I've learned through other hard lessons that the reward is in doing what is right every day, little bit, by little bit to create a tomorrow much better then I could imagine.

Finding a "sane" way to eat.

Shortly after my last post in March 2009, I went on a week's vacation to Portland Oregon. Eight of us went to support our pastor when he preached at the church of one of his closest friends. I overate, drank too much coffee and had a blast. Everything from hotel vending machine banquette Ala Junk Food, to a home-cooked soul food meal.  It was totally lovely. I'll share all the vacation goings on in another post.

When I returned home, within a day I was flat-on-my-back sick. After six weeks of mainly being bed ridden I called my HMO to see if they could give me a shot, or something. Our area was full of this dry cough, fever, sniffles and flu wipe-out. The frustrated advice nurse listed home remedies I'd always dismissed as goofy . A sinus clean-out with warm water, small amounts of salt and baking soda, inhaled (I thought of straws and cocaine). I was to sit under steaming water, while keeping my room humid with the steam and taking two over-the-counter medications. 

To my shock, this man actually asked me if I intended to follow his instructions! I figured I had already lost six weeks of work, what's another four days? I got better quickly, just like he said I would. Being that sick scared me into rethinking how I take care of myself.

For years, I've consumed three to five pounds of white sugar a month. Sugar I mainly use in my coffee. When running around in the afternoon, I'd just buy a couple of those small bags of Doritos and coffee for lunch. Well, sometimes I'd have that for breakfast, or dinner too. Yeah, I finally got it. I would have to change my ways, or face another bought with illness, like I had just gotten through.

I heard an interview with Jon Gabriel, who went from 400 pounds down to his normal weight in a year-and-a-half. After four years, he's still keeping the weight off. He had a method I thought I could live with for dieting, AND nutrition. Improve your nutrition, straighten out your thinking and attitudes about weight and then your body will loose the weight naturally.

I've been bothered by my 80+ pounds of extra weight for months now. This idea appealed to me because like John, I'd been through diet-hell. Both the health food and weight loss varieties. I never got healthy, or thinner.

The Gabriel Method is simple. He believes our average diet is really nutrition poor. He believes that our attitudes toward weight can literally keep us fat, no matter what we try to do to get thinner. I can vouch for the attitude thing because when I have been thin, I hated the unwanted sexual attention I received. Now that I'm 80+ pounds overweight I no longer get the unwanted attention. So, I mentally and emotionally feel "safer" being fat.

Jon also believes your subconscious will obey the pictures and goals you have for yourself. All three things work together to remake your body and life in about a year-and-a-half. I ordered the book and read it while cat-sitting in early May.

I had a simple battle plan. At every meal and snack eat something nutritious as well as the other food  I was craving. As my nutrition improves, many of the cravings for junk food will leave. Drink filtered water, not ordinary tap water, to cut down on the chemicals coming into my system.

This is the easiest nutrition improvement scheme I've ever seen:

• Add things with omega-3's (fish, nuts, oils and or supplements)
  
• Eat some protein (meat, eggs, etc.)
  
• Eat some raw vegetables and or fruit.
  

The mental work is also manageable:

• Work on finding ways to feel "safe" every day. 
• Work on getting used to thinking of myself as healthy and thin. This brings up what I fear, abuse, etc. 
• Know that it is possible to truly get healthy and have a different, energetic and satisfying life.
  

He claimed that as the nutrition improves, the energy level would improve to where exercise wouldn't be as difficult. I have found this to be true after only a few weeks of attempting to follow the Gabriel Method.

He provides a CD, or a free download of the CD with the book. The CD messes with your brain waves and helps you image all of the above. I've had seizures and didn't like how the weird CD music made me feel. He recommends that people with seizure conditions DO NOT use the CD. It was a bad feeling for me, so I just take the ideas of his book and add them to my daily prayer life.

When I ran out of white sugar, I just didn't buy any more. Surprise; I went through drug withdrawal! It was like a milder version of getting off alcohol. This made me angry. I didn't realize white table sugar is a DRUG! Yeah, just like caffeine in coffee. 

Oh, yes, the "coffee headache". Makes sense, Caffeine is a drug and I'm addicted. But I am angry that table sugar is a drug also and I was addicted to it.. 

After several days of laying around sleeping, I rose from bed and noticed I was feeling better. Not leap over walls better, but something good was starting to happen.,

I next began taking omega-3 capsules along with my vitamins. I did exactly as John's book suggested. I discovered I really wanted oranges, spinach and more oranges. I'd have a cheese sandwich, or eggs, or my yogurt and protein mix for breakfast.

Lunch and dinner are huge salads with vegetables and fruit. One night I had a lovely dinner of one of the largest artichokes I'd ever seen. This thing was the size of a small pumpkin! Gads, was that good.

I stopped shopping at Safeway and began shopping at Trader Joe's. They carry organic products. Things which  have less sugar, or no sugar. They feature food with no extra chemicals added. I love grabbing any vegetable I fancy. I bought a bunch of avocados, bags of dark leafy salad mixes, nut butters, oatmeal, raisins, mixed nuts, bread, butter, milk, yogurt and a bag of oranges. The ingredients lists are short and in larger print.

I only had $50 on me and got ready to put back some of that lovely food. It was only $40! I almost wept at the checkout stand. So home I went and ate three basic meals a day with several snacks, if I wanted. I began to drink 8 glasses of water a day too.

I HATE drinking water. Had to chase down a Britta filtering pitcher. Reviews and friends all recommended Britta as the best filter for a low price. So, now I have a 144 oz pitcher to filter water. I figured it was not really necessary, but I do not like the chlorine smell in the tap water. 

So I tried this "filtered" water.  It reminded me of that great water we used to get at the office water cooler. Within hours I was craving water. I just couldn't seem to get enough of it. Coffee with this filtered water tastes so much better. I noticed my elimination patterns were changing. I just felt better, not as shaky or off balance. I could do almost twice as much physical work before becoming sore. I felt like I was getting more out of my sleep time. I actually could stay awake for an entire day, with only a short nap, or no nap at all. 

So now, I'm dog sitting, eating non-organic food and drinking unfiltered tap water. I don't like the smell of the water. Its like my throat wants to close up when I try to drink this water. But its only for 3 days. Next time, I'll have a portable 72-ounce Britta filter for when I'm not at home.

I am fully off white sugar and doing my best to stay away from any chemicals. Sweet Maria is a little amazed at the change in my food requests. Instead of ice cream and pizza, I now want fruit, vegetables, yogurt and chicken. 

She was going to get me my beloved garlic bread, but made me a quiche instead. The garlic bread has a lot of junk in it. I'm glad she didn't get it for me. So, with very little sacrifice, I'm working my way to health. What keeps me running is refusing to EVER get as sick as I was for that awful six weeks of being in bed.

So, for awhile, when our church has a dinner with all the things I love, but choose not to eat anymore, I stay home. I know it will be a few months before I can be in a room with all that sugar and chocolate. I plan on visiting lovely healthier versions of chocolate, but not for a few months.

The real shock of all of this is realizing that God is teaching me that I am safe in the world. Not because the world has suddenly become "safe", but because God will protect me. When something makes me nervous inside, I ask God to protect me and give me wisdom as to what, if anything I need to do in the situation. My body then just relaxes. That is new and I consider it a miracle of Gods grace and healing. I have literally been "scared" all my life. Now that life long habit of fear is gone.

Don't Change Dosing Schedule If You Are On Psychiatric Medication.

Yes, friends, I am fine. My very extensive testing through my HMO found me totally normal. What I realized after a bit of time passed is I changed the time I took my psychiatric medication while trying to fast with my church. Yeah, if I'd checked in with my psychiatrist, she would have brought me up short FAST.

But, I made sure I sought out advice from people who knew nothing about the heavy-duty medication I take. Why? I wanted to show off to my fellow church-goers that I was among the SUPER SPIRITUAL! (Yeah, I hear ya. That was REALLY dumb).

It is our old friend fear. I was afraid I wouldn't really be "loved" unless I marched with the others in my congregation who were fasting. Here's reality: they love me not for what I do, but for who I am in Christ. I don't need to DO anything. They love me because I am one of God's kids. Oh, how hard that lesson is to learn!

I also got a deserved verbal thrashing from a friend who does know something about medication, fasting and insecure, Eager Beavers such as myself.

I have to remember to ask God to help me stay away from those "old tapes" which I still carry around inside. I was really shocked at how easy it was to fall back into that old behavior of: It may kill me, but I'll do anything to get you to love me".

Even after years of work and a nice life, I still get snared by my past. I have to say, this slide backwards totally astounded me. I thought I was done with that kind of acting out. No, I guess not.

How To Survive A Heart Attack When Alone

(This is very valuable, life-saving information I received by email).

Let‘s say it’s 5:50pm and you're
driving home (alone of course) after
an unusually hard day on the job.
You're really tired, and
frustrated......

YOU ARE REALLY STRESSED AND
UPSET ....

Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain
in your chest that starts to radiate out into your
arm and up into your jaw.
You are only five miles from the hospital nearest
your home.
Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to
make it that far

WHAT TO DO ???

YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED IN
CPR, BUT THE GUY THAT
CONDUCTED THE COURSE
DID NOT
TELL YOU HOW TO
PERFORM IT ON YOURSELF !!!

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK
WHEN ALONE?

SINCE MANY PEOPLE ARE ALONE WHEN THEY
SUFFER A HEART ATTACK, WITHOUT HELP, THE
PERSON WHOSE HEART IS BEATING
IMPROPERLY AND WHO BEGINS TO FEEL FAINT,
HAS ONLY ABOUT 10 SECONDS LEFT BEFORE
LOSING CONSCIOUS

WHAT TO DO ???
ANSWER:

DO NOT PANIC,
BUT START COUGHING
REPEATEDLY AND VERY VIGOROUSLY.
A DEEP BREATH SHOULD BE TAKEN BEFORE EACH
COUGH, THE COUGH MUST BE DEEP AND
PROLONGED, AS WHEN PRODUCING SPUTUM
FROM DEEP INSIDE THE CHEST.
A BREATH AND A COUGH MUST BE REPEATED
ABOUT EVERY TWO SECONDS WITHOUT LET-UP
UNTIL HELP ARRIVES, OR UNTIL THE HEART IS
FELT TO BE BEATING NORMALLY AGAIN.

DEEP BREATHS GET OXYGEN INTO THE
LUNGS AND COUGHING MOVEMENTS
SQUEEZE THE HEART AND KEEP THE BLOOD
CIRCULATING. THE SQUEEZING PRESSURE
ON THE HEART ALSO HELPS IT REGAIN
NORMAL RHYTHM. IN THIS WAY, HEART
ATTACK VICTIMS CAN GET TO A HOSPITAL

ARTICLE PUBLISHED ON N.o 240 OF JOURNAL OF GENERAL
HOSPITAL ROCHESTER
TELL AS MANY OTHER PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE
ABOUT THIS.
IT COULD SAVE THEIR LIVES !!!

DON'T EVER THINK THAT
YOU ARE NOT PRONE TO HEART
ATTACK AS YOUR AGE IS LESS THAN 25 OR
30. NOWADAYS DUE TO THE CHANGE IN THE
LIFE STYLE, HEARTATTACK IS FOUND AMONG
PEOPLE OF ALL AGE GROUPS.

BE A FRIEND AND PLEASE SEND THIS
ARTICLE TO AS MANY FRIENDS AS
POSSIBLE

Quality And Ethics Be Damned: Buyer Be A Late Adopter.

Go to this link and read this outrageous story: SiliconValley.com 

To some of my friends who say I'm unreasonable and expect too much from companies. Here is the proof of my frustration. "getting it out always trumps getting it right" (!! Emphasis added). If it wasn't such damned common practice I believe it would come under a legal matter about deceptive advertising. 

Currently a peanut butter paste company is in hot water because it appears they knew their product was contaminated and sent it out the door anyway. Eight people have died from this corporate attempt to boost profits.

Well, sure bad software isn't a life and death issue. Yeah, well F-R-A-U-D is fraud no matter how you justify it. Sure, I know the first release of something will have Unforeseen problems. I'm not speaking of that unavoidable situation. 

I railing against a company who knows damn well the software isn't "ready for prime time", but pawns it off on its customers anyway. I hope and pray the current economic meltdown will shake some rare "common sense" into some of these companies and their minions. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." If you engage in this despicable practice I hope you fail and fail big. Yeah, Apple, you too.

I'm still using Apple's next-to-newest operating system: Tiger because I don't trust Leopard to be really ready for prime time, even yet. Little problem reports squeak out here and there. I am going to wait until I'm forced to change. Then I won't waste so much of my time and productivity trying to get around problems that were known about before the software left the company. 

A pox on all of your houses!

Finally! A Petition To Congress Against MLM Pyramid Schemes.

It has been sadly documented that most MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) "business opportunities" only cause 99% of their members to lose money - and not petty sums either. A real business model is very different from MLM.

A real business has a product or service to actually sell to customers (not at all involved in the business). That same business may also have a sales force to do the selling. BUT this sales force's size and locations are tightly controlled by the company. No real business wants 15 salesmen in a territory where only 2 of these people can actually make a living via their selling practices. Note that a real franchise controls how many restaurants reside in an area to avoid market over saturation. 

MLM's on the other hand CLAIM they have a product to sell. (Yes, it exists, but it is a "cover" for where the "real" money is made). The real money is made by getting other people to join the "business" as distributors. (sellers of the business, not the product, to other individuals). There is absolutely no control over the sizes of the distribution networks, or where they develop. The product which is used to "hook" a new prospect into the business, is actually sold to distributors, public sales are minimal, as making new distributors, not product sales is where the money lies.

Once a distributer, you are strongly encouraged "forced into" buying the so-called product. Books, videos and seminars are also hard-sold to distributers using the ploy of wanting to really make it means you buy x, or go to a seminar. The distributer is spending all their income and personal savings for the books and seminars. Their sales never can cover their actual costs, even when they manage to build a large network of distributers working under them.

This system is doomed to fail. I have seen churches and self-help groups torn apart when one of these "business opportunities" comes into the group. A church is supposed to be in the business of religion and personal salvation (Christian model), not in church members fighting over who will get the new prospect for "their network". It is ugly, immoral and should be completely illegal.

Finally, a petition we can sign to (hopefully) get Congress to stop this terrible misrepresentation of "business". Obviously, the poor, desperate and inexperienced are the most common victims of these "business opportunities". Sadly, once victimized people try again with another MLM figuring "this time will be different". It won't be.

Please sign this petition:

http://www.pyramidschemealert.org/ConsumerPetition.php

Main website:

http://www.pryamidschemealert.org/

I have left the actual address for you to see, so you can check out the site for yourself to verify that this is not a set-up, or spam. I have donated to this site and personally vouch for their reliability and trustworthiness.

What A Difference A Diagnosis Makes.

I've been so busy living life, I've not had time to blog. I finally got to see my favorite author Scott Sigler live in San Francisco for the bookstore session and the pub crawl held after wards.

Being I am afraid of San Francisco in general and The Mission District in particular, I booked a luxury room at a Days Inn complete with a hot tub for one night. I've had lots of fun and enjoyment.

I've also had various kinds of work: for my church, house cleaning and animal care. This last weekend was a dog sitting gig in Berkeley. I planned to blog all about Scott and San Francisco, but life had some serious surprises in store.

Monday, Jan 12Th I was at sweet Maria's cleaning her house. I thought I'd better wash the cup and glass she keeps by her bed. I have been neglecting this task and felt it was time to reprogram it into my routine.

I'd gotten two pairs of new running shoes, which fit my feet better (surprise), but new soles sometimes catch and DOWN I went. Glass coffee cup in left hand, drinking glass in right hand. Oh, that sound of breaking glass and sloshing liquid.

I hate falling. It happens to me from time to time, but this one was a bit different. I didn't remember "tripping" on anything, but it could have been my new shoes. Yeah, that was it! I scrambled for an explanation while I surveyed the mess before me. Sweet Maria did not come running up the stairs (thank God). I called out that I was alright.

I'd slammed my left cheekbone into the side of the toilet and THAT hurt big time. I was partially covered in sherry with small cuts on my left hand. Amazingly, the water glass and its contents were still intact by the bath tub. I picked up the broken cup, mopped up the floor and prepared to come down to explain to Maria that I'd broken a cup.

I also headed for her bottle of Ibuprofen as my face was really hurting. Maria said I was not black and blue. I only had a small red spot on my cheek. She calmly checked to make sure I was okay and then returned to her newspaper.

I went home and doctored my cheek as my normal system of denial kicked in. Another fall, broke something, but nothing to worry about.

That Wednesday, the 14th I did my Alameda account. Funny, I just fell down twice on a hard wood floor with no stumbling, or tripping. I just seemed to topple over to the right. Hmmmm.

I was looking forward to the weekend of Martin Luther King's Birthday. A full four days with Maria's beloved Newfoundland, Hannah, blogging and a bit of work just to keep me honest. I sent John and Maria on their way around 11 AM and took a nap until about 3:30 PM.

I had junk food this weekend, as I just didn't feel like cooking for myself and I just wanted some good old "crap" as my Dr. calls most frozen, processed food. My thoughts drifted back to January of 2008. Dr. Kim is a friendly, humorous and down-to-earth internist I really trust. Any Dr. who inquires: "Have you been eating a lot of crap lately?" in reaction to my unusually high blood pressure reading, is a Dr. I can and do trust.

When I laughingly requested a definition of "crap", she shot back "Stouffers". Oh damn, that's some of my favorite stuff. Dr. Kim then explained about the high salt, sugar and chemical content of such foods. A little of such is okay, but I'd lived on frozen foods for three weeks before seeing her. I'd been cat sitting and living on an entire freezer full of crap.

Dr. Kim smiled and gently said: "No, one pizza every once in a while. Not a regular thing. I suspect when you return to more natural eating your pressure will come down." How can I argue with a Dr. who knows how good Stouffers can be? It was true, cut down on the processed food and my blood pressure quickly returned to normal.

But by God, this weekend (returning back to this year, 2009) I had two pizzas, two frozen pot pies, ice cream and several rich goodies left over from John and Maria. I hit that pizza running. Damn, it was so good.

I fell again. This new kind of falling, to the right when not tripping over something. Well, hell, probably I am just not paying attention. Later in the evening I was enjoying a small cheese sandwich and wanted to read the label on the cheese, so I could buy it for myself. I looked down and was reaching for my glasses on the dining room table when my entire world changed.

I felt myself falling again, to the right. I'd knocked my dining room chair over the last time I'd fallen. This time I was thrusting my right elbow out to try and keep from hitting the dining room bar. I felt my elbow hit and go clear through the back of the rattan dining room chair. Oh Jesus!

Even I couldn't ignore this series of events. I'd made a lovely two inch wide hole in the back of their rattan chair. They had one of the chairs restrung and I remembered it cost about $300. I had the money, but how in the hell could I explain what happened?

I was only slightly scratched up, but badly shaken. Something wasn't right and I had better get my butt into my HMO come Tuesday. I need to try and explain why I'd taken to breaking furniture!

I began to try and find out what was going on. I noticed short times of slight dizziness. Now that I was hyper alert, I always held onto something. I dreaded going outside. I felt dizzy on the brick path with the uneven stairs. I began noting and remembering. It was something which seemed to have started slowly about two months ago. But it wasn't constant either. Oh Jesus!

My HMO was their usual polite, efficient, and kind self. The general advice nurse kicked me up to the next level after only a few sentences. The guy at the 2Nd level had me booked for that day at 3:20 pm. I felt kind of foolish, because it wasn't something I could duplicate in the office. The Advice Nurse said that it happens like this some times.They were going to check it out and track it down.

My Dr. was her usual wonderful self. I laid it out and she asked questions. We established that what I had was a bit unusual, but she'd start out with full blood work and then a brain scan.

Oooh, brain scan, made me feel a little clammy inside. Then Dr. Kim started messing with my body. She had me touch my nose and then her finger. I had trouble hitting her finger using my right hand. I wasn't totally accurate on the left, but I didn't know how much my low vision played into that problem. Although the last time I did that test with another Dr. I hit his finger dead on from both sides. I could feel my fear starting to make itself at home.

"Do you have a case worker?" Dr. Kim's question hit me hard, Jesus, do I NEED one? No, okay, she'll sign me up.

She then wanted to see how unstable I was. She stood before me gently putting her hand on the top of my head and pushing back. I started to fall much too quickly. She swept me up in her arms and proceeded to scare me senseless.

"... you may need to look into assisted living. You do live alone?" My mind flashed on the nice "assisted living" situations I've seen. Ah, joining the bingo set. Where loving people in white, or pink talk loud to you and scream about "... joining us in the activity room for bingo," Holy SHIT!

I felt my eyes fill with tears. I forced control and continued with the interview. Yes, I lived alone. How do I know if I loose consciousness when I'm alone? Not a real good answer to that one. Oh Jesus, looks like I DO need to join the bingo set.

Dr Kim was very kind. I shed a few tears in her presence and she said I could stay in the cubicle for a while to get myself back together. (Oh yeah, right, I'll just walk out of here and have a Mocha down on the first floor. While I MOURN THE LOSS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!)

I basically was in shock. I wasn't rebelling. I knew this falling business could hurt me real bad. Oh God, maybe I'll be able to get a room mate. (That would be an easy sell: "Come let us live together, so when I fall and pass out, you can call the medics.") Yeah, professionals handle that stuff better. I kept going back to "assisted living" and bingo.

Well, I've longed to stop doing housework, but hell, I can't even give these dear people the usual two weeks notice. I heard the lyrics: "The party's over, my friend." I was just in a daze. Well, at least I now had a shot of getting some assistance with housing. That, at least was some comfort. (Note to self: ignorance is NOT bliss).

Wednesday morning I did hear from a very tired social worker who brought me up short quick. "Honey, assisted living is at least $3,000 a month. If you don't have that. Well, see there are too many people chasing too few resources." I stopped her to inquire about the dangerous situation I was facing and also letting her know I was legally blind. The blindness is now a block to get into certain programs. Due to all the lawsuits, housing for disability is segregated by "insurance risk". Yeah, blindness is a bigger problem than, say only having walking of mental functioning issues.

Then this woman let me know what she didn't know with the stunning question: "Well, honey, doesn't the Blind Center have something for you blind people?". OH JESUS!

There is no one "Blind Center" and there ain't no such animal - I've searched. It was up to me to find what I needed. She only worked with "Assisted Living" people who needed no stairs weren't her job (!) (Crap, this is getting to feel like a Monty Python episode.)

She'd send me a list... At this point friends, I lost it. I started to cry and thanked her. I informed her that I had to end our conversation to go and "... play craps with my life." Man, I feared my life was going to end in me dying in the building by accident for my poor landlord to discover. Steve, my landlord has had that grim task before.

When someone doesn't pay the rent, when they are usually on time. He lets himself into their unit to discover, woopsie! They are dead. To say I entered the land of despair is putting it mildly. I had that kind of depression where it is physically tiring to move. Well, when I get stronger it is back to trying to get on Government Housing lists again.

I called the mother of our church, because I was so depressed. She could hear it in my voice and just listened as I stammered out my tale. I let her know that I wanted to come to church tonight no matter what. I was a mental mess, but I really needed to be at church with my church family.

She asked me about food in the house and I asked her if she could pick up a few things for me. I knew I just couldn't handle a run out to Safeway. She asked if she could do it the next morning. I said that was fine. I hoped I'd be better so I could do my own shopping. I could feel her kindness and love. I needed and received it gratefully.

At church I told the truth. My voice was a bit lower, as I wa still down. People were just plain gracious. People suggested Bible passages and shared some of their own struggles. People could see that, for me, this situation was a true test.

My Internet buddies were there for me also. People don't always know what to do when disaster shows up, but I have learned that when I let folks know what I need "just listen." or whatever, they are there for me. Thank God for the wonderful gift of humor.

People have begged me to go into professional comedy. Frankly, I avoid that, because I am at my funniest when my life is at its worst. Gallows humor has always been a favorite of mine The next morning, beleaguered patients lining up for tests at my HMO were full of some really funny observations.

Always wondered where all the people with gray hair, walkers, crutches and wheelchairs were. I found them. All lined up outside the blood work lab, ready for our 8 AM session. The best line of the morning, after 12 hours of fasting:

"When I was young, my body told my muscles what to do and they obeyed. Now my muscles remind my body of all the stupid shit I did when I was young,"

My humble contribution to the waiting throng was a partial rewrite to "What A Difference A Day Makes":

I used to be psychiatric
But now geriatric
What a difference a diagnosis makes.
Oh man, I'm so screwed.

After the blood work was done, I returned home to purchase a stool for the now potentially dangerous shower. I assembled the shower stool and again fell back into a funk. A friend has a real bad case of gastroenteritis. Basically, she's got real bad gas and tummy pains that keep her awake at night. She and I got into more great humor.

"A cane, a walker, a shower stool and you" Sounds like a really bad song, or novel.

I thought we could do an album and we could each have our signature tunes. Mine would be: "What A Difference A Diagnosis Makes" and she could perform: "The Put-Put Song," Yeah, it is amazing how the human spirit can rise above almost anything and make it funny.

Thursday I actually made it out of my house and back from Safeway. I feel like I've really been through something. I have to reclaim my life.

I may be getting some help on the housing situation and that is a relief. With or without outside help, I went over to craigslist.com to begin a search for a room with no stairs.Rents have dropped to where I actually HAVE several choices which look good. I've always had to find my own housing and why should this situation be any different?

I had to get humble enough to accept the idea that I need help. Somehow, the last two weeks have beaten a new trait into my being. Humble submission and cooperation. Man, some of us are so STUBBORN!

I get my very first MRI next week and hopefully they'll find some reason for my new symptom of occasionally just falling over for no reason at all.

eReader : Why it is So Good, in Spite of My Low Vision

(Thanks to a polite comment request, I retrace some steps and answer questions specific to software and equipment, instead of my reading interests. My new post will be up, hopefully, by next Saturday).

I have 20/200 vision in my only good eye. Without glasses I can clearly see about three feet in front of me. With a 12x magnifying bubble mounted in a pair of glasses, I can read print sizes from the printed phone book on up. I have to guess at entries in a printed phone book, or an average printed pocket dictionary, as I can't really see the individual letters clearly.

Every low vision person I've met sees differently. What works for one, does absolutely nothing for another person with low vision. For me, 12x magnification makes 99% of print available to me. I have to hold the printed material right up near my face (about a third of an inch away from my eye). I can only read about an hour and a half, before I get slight eye pain and muscle and body aches, from holding books up so close to my face. I also have to have a 100 watt light bulb about 4 inches away from the side of my head when reading real print on paper in a book.

When I got my first computer I found out about reverse video. The print is write and the background is black. For me this was a true revelation. I got a Mac, as I'd always had serious problems "losing" the cursor on a PC.

The only way you can get the experience of seeing my screenshots as I see them is to temporarily adjust your computer so you get reverse video. Look in the accessibility control panel and you should be able to reset your machine to see my screen as I see it. For the last two screenshots, my desktop is blue, not orange, in reverse video.

On a PC the cursor is a dotted outline, which is very easy to lose track of on the screen. The Macintosh cursor is a solid black arrow. In reverse video it is a solid white arrow. I can see it well enough to find it again after clicking a link and being moved to another page.

The way my vision works, contrast is everything. Black background gives more contrast to the print, then black letters on a white background. I find it interesting that for normal vision readers, reverse video is distracting and is avoided when possible.

In order to produce the square box you see around my cursor in the 2nd and 3rd screenshots I do the following in the accessibility panel. I increase the computer's screen zoom magnification to its maximum, but only request the "preview" viewing area. This produces a nice drawn rectangle around the cursor. This is what I use all the time on my computer, to quickly find the cursor when I lose track of it. With the 12x magnification in my glasses, I can only see about one square inch of screen at a time. This is why it is so easy for me to "lose" the cursor while working on my computer.

I soon discovered electronic, or ebooks. I have a screenshot of an ebook in the ".pdf" format. Either Adobe Reader, or Preview recognize ".pdf" (portable document format). These programs are designed for editing and sharing office documents, not books.

I read by moving my head more then the material on the screen. With preview, (screenshot to the right), I have to constantly scroll down as I work my way through an ebook. It is very doable, but not my preferred reading experience.

I can use Page-Down, or Down-Arrow keys to scroll. Page-down moves too much of the screen before I've gotten to the lower part of the page. So, I have to use the Down-Arrow key.

I was shocked to realize that I could read at my computer for three hours or more, with no pain anywhere in my body. I sit with my back straight in my chair, with the screen elevated to be right in front of my face. I have a table with a tray for the keyboard and I type with the keyboard completely recessed within the table. (I've never had such good posture).

I discovered eReader (another program for reading ebooks) while exploring this new world of books made to read on a computer, or handheld device. Adobe and Preview read ".pdf" files, while eReader deals with ".pdb" files. Most of my ebooks are in the ".pdb" format, as that is the one I have found works the best for reading books on my computer.

eReader was designed specifically for the book reading experience. You'll notice at once, its full screen looks more like the page of a book, instead of an office document, with its wide margins and page separators.

On the next two screenshots, the screen is 21 inches.

As you can see from the full page screen shot of the eReader program, I still have the problem of this long document to meander through. But with eReader, when you adjust the page size, you don't have to scroll through the document line-by-line, but it redefines a page according to your window size.

I may start out with a book of 200 pages, but when I shrink the window, the page count jumps into the thousands!. I use one Page-Down, arrow-Down or Arrow-Right per page. When I began exploring handheld devices, it is still the best reading experience. I've found. (eBookWise and Palm Handhelds will be covered in my next post).

One final note on ebooks. I live in a very small room, making a library of thousands of books impossible. With eBooks I literally own thousands of titles, all on my hard drive. This technology saves on paper, ink and the energy to print the book. Here are the links to the programs I've been discussing.

Adobe Reader

Apple's Preview

eReader (go back to their homepage for the FREE eReader version).

Free eBooks (in .pdb format)

The JOY of Easily Looking Up Words While I Read.

Yes, this is a love story about my new Palm Tungsten E2 hand held personal data assistant. (PDA). Having low vision has always been a dreary fight when having to use more than one book at a time. I have to explain the bad old days to help you understand why I am shaking with joy at this change in my life.

I have a 12x magnifying bubble mounted in a pair of glasses, leaving my hands free. I would pick up the book, or lean way over to write on a piece of paper, as I have to be about half an inch away from what I'm looking at. I did not start reading on my own until the sixth grade, when a friend stole a 12x magnifier from her science class for me to experiment with. It opened up the world of books, libraries and dictionaries to me.

But when I was reading something and I'd run into a word I did not know, I would have a serious set of problems.

1. Put the book down, carefully, so as not to lose my place.
2. Grab a pocket dictionary and start hunting down the unknown word.
3. Realize I don't know how to spell the word and would have to go back to #1.
4. Locate word in dictionary and try and read that really tiny print. I have learned to do some very accurate guessing by the "shape" of print that is truly too small for me to read. Not always correct: "boot" and "boat" look similar, but usually I'd figure it out via context.
5. Return to the original book I was reading.
6. Realize I no longer remember the thread of what I was reading.
7. Go back a page or two to remind myself of what I didn't know.
8. Find strange word again and realize I don't remember the darn definition. Return to #1!

Note taking in the library for research projects was almost as bad. I have always had a lousy short term memory and for sure, that gave me many hours of idea chasing. I learned it was faster to "guestimate" the meaning of a word. A very fast and lose system of having the vaguest notion of the meaning of say "habeas corpus".

I knew this was Latin and having something to do with legalese. That is a pretty crummy understanding of this term. I reproduce the following from my new Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary for that goofy phrase habeas corpus:

n{ME, fr. ML, lit., you should have the body (the opening words of the writ)} (15c) 1: any of several common-law writs issued to bring a party before a court or judge ; esp : habeas corpus ad subjiciendum 2 : the right of a citizen to obtain a writ of habeas corpus as a protection against illegal imprisonment

Now, that means something. I'm reading a legal book outlining the problem of "enemy combatants" as opposed to "enemy soldiers", those who commit sabotage and spys. Legally the Iraq war is a mess. A lot of the problem has to do with this habeas corpus stuff.

We were so freaked out after 9/11 we rounded up people we suspected of being involved in the three planes-used-as-bombs and tried to detain them indefinitely with no official charges. This is a problem, legally if they are under the rules of our Constitution. I find the whole thing fascinating.

I had no clue that the law made such fine distinctions between types of behavior in war. Now I have a dictionary that is up to all the Latin they want to throw at me. But now I introduce you to the miracle of today's technology.

Well, okay, actually the Palm device I bought was new in 2005, but I love eReader as a program and I absolutely love the way Palm does things on their little hand held device.

When I'm using my hands, I shake a bit because of Cerebral Palsy, so touching the screen with my finger usually delivers something other then the command I'm trying to execute. But with the stylus - a metal pencil tipped with plastic for touching the screen more accurately - works like a charm for me. So here is the new way of my world.

1. I'm reading my law book, or the King James Bible (old and odd English), or some police forensics book and I run into something I can't even guess at, in terms of its meaning.
2. I reach for the stylus held in its slot and pull it out.
3. I high light the word, or in some cases, the phrase, with the stylus.
4. My eReader program automatically goes to my dictionary, finds the word, or the words which are closest to it and displays the definition on my screen.
5. When I've chased down any other words in the definition I don't know, I hit "Done" and return to my original text! It takes seconds and not minutes.

For the first time in my reading life I can actually learn something from looking up words in a dictionary. I had to check out this new dictionary to see if it had all the strange things I am running into with my wide range of reading material.

Wist, Wont and blain - all old English. This baby not only tells me where the word originated and where it traveled, but the YEAR of its origination! Oh, its like candy for my mind.

Habeas corpus and that other phrases came up as soon as I correctly guessed the spelling on habeas. So, I went to the front of the dictionary and took a look at their pronunciation key. (It is a bit strange). I'm not sure if it is because the font is foreign to my eReader program, or they just have a strange system.

I started reading the definitions of things like 24/7 and 411. While grazing through a few of these abbreviations, I discovered chemical formulas! Yeah, this thing is smart enough for me - I am absolutely clueless when it comes to Chemistry.

What is so satisfying is the fluidity of my learning. Since I no longer keep having to run around trying to remember what I was looking up, or what the word ment, or what was happening in the original book, I no longer get discouraged, or angry. This is truly a miracle in my estimation. Now, my six hours of butt time on buses each week will be filled with reading and learning. It is nice to listen to music, but after awhile, I get bored.

I have thousands of things I want to read. A huge library a friend put together for me of public domain ebooks and a hundred, or so ebooks I've purchased. I also have an eight volume set of Church History on my computer, which I can easily move over to my handheld, a bit at a time.

My real prize is the 37 volumes of the Early Church Fathers. Believe it, or not, I'm in volume four of the set. These are source documents and they are amazing. I read what people thought about the works of the Early Church Fathers in the History book, but then I check for myself what these men actually WROTE. Sometimes the differences are a little scary.

Kind of like what happened over the new puppy Barak Obama promised his daughters in his acceptance speech. A day or two later, I heard a report from the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company) that the dog had not only been acquired, but had tried to bite a reporter! There was a bit of ga-fawing and this quite proper Canadian ended her report with: "... we'll be sure to keep you informed of any breaking (or barking) news as it happens here on the CBC". Cute report, right?

I don't know what happened for sure. But several people I know, who have turned Obama watching into their new religion, have vigorously informed me that Barak hasn't even gotten the puppy yet. A dog did try and bite a reporter, Bush's dog snapped at a reporter who reached out to pet it. I'm still not clear on where the truth is on that one.

But more then likely, I'll end up reading about the truth as I romp through my ever growing library of electronic books. I now can read comfortably not only sitting at my computer, but lying in bed, riding a bus, or standing in line. Works great in restaurants too, when I am alone with a bowl of soup.

Lying in bed is still my favorite place to read, because it has been so long since I was able to set up lighting to where I could read printed material in bed. Who needs print? I can scan it into my computer. As long as I don't sell it, who cares? Well, that's illegal, or it will be, but you never read this and I never wrote it, right?

A Customer (Lack of) Service Rant.

Since this business is stumbling toward making this situation right, they shall remain anonymous. However, the stupidity involved in this Sega is breathtaking and probably good for a few laughs as I unwind this romp with incompetence.

I'm cat sitting for some folks who have been traveling for the last 5 weeks. I responsibilities include: signing for packages, picking up mail and answering expected telephone calls. Not difficult, correct? Well, no. By-the-way, these folks are in Italy, as in out of the country and are 8 hours ahead of us time wise.

On my first week of duty I get a recorded message from a store reporting that the item sent in for repair is ready. They have five days to claim it, or it will be assumed abandoned. Well, this could be a big ticket item, I didn't know, but figured a quick call to the store would update the customer file. When my employers returned in a month, they could pick up said repaired item. (ignorance can be bliss).

Upon calling this establishment I ran into a 20-something dweeb who refused to update the customer file unless he was speaking directly to the customer. (Delivered with a vibrato which could have won an Academy Award. Patiently, I explained the situation about how silly it would be for these people to call from ROME ITALY. I again requested he simply notate the file, so the item would not be disposed of.

This clown then LECTURED me on how my employers: "should have taken care of this before leaving. Don't ya think?". Frankly, this tactic stunned me into silence. I didn't think to request a supervisor. So, I had to call Rome, Italy. (Joy).

Just a brief aside. I know from many lovely experiences with The Marriott Corporation, that it is possible to have a central file on a customer. This file is filled with reservations, reward points and preferences. For example, they know that I always call down for extra coffee. Magically, when I call the front desk, they not only know who I am, but in a friendly way inquire if I'm ready for more coffee!. If a HUGE Corporation spread all over the WORLD, can manage a filing system which is able to be updated from different locations and departments, why can't a national chain store manage the same feat?

I tried to call Rome from the employer's phone, but needed an "access code" I didn't have. Great, I'll buy some Skype Credit and do it through the computer. (Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we try to succeed)! Again, this should have been a simple transaction. Oh yeah, simple, sure.

Skype was easy and my debit card went through to a security system at my bank. Good, I'd waited until 12:30 PDT to call Rome, as not to scare the life out of the travelers with a 3:30 AM long distance call.

I had been through the bank's security system just a few days earlier when I'd set up Skype for unlimited Us and Canada calling. I knew my password and everything. For once I'd written it down and shot a copy to a web document. BUT since I was using a DIFFERENT computer, the bank denied the transaction!

I finally called customer service at said bank. This bank is extremely good at making you feel cared for while doing nothing for you. (I'm sure this is again a security measure). I like my bank, even when they try to sell me things I don't need instead of solving my problem.

I noticed I had another payment option with another source. I took it and got the required service, avoiding the bank's protection option. I shudder at how easily my information could have been used fraudulently, but thank God I was able to use my information NOW.

I put in the long distance call. The lady in Rome was very nice, but I had to spell out my message! By the time I got through this ordeal, I wanted to scream! Of course my people weren't at the hotel at the moment.

The next morning PDT, I get an email explaining the following situation. This is so amazing!
Before they left for Rome, they'd sent in a camera to be repaired. Store didn't manage to repair it, but damaged it instead. So, since they were leaving for Rome in a week, they RENTED a loner camera from this same store!

Am I crazy, or should this fact not have been noted in the file for the camera they were still trying to repair? I know, I'm using logic... The repair department and the rental departments have different files, which are not the same as the call center's file. Yeah, and for security, the call center people aren't given permission to update files anyway.

As I said, this business is attempting to redeem itself. My employers left no doubt that they would "deal with them... when we get back". So now I have to wait for a UPS package that requires a signature, hopefully to arrive today. I hope they will accept MY signature.

No Virginia: stupidity knows no bounds.

The Pleasure Of Creativity.

Lately I've been branching out and doing new, daring things. I feel more alive and willing to do the "hard" stuff, then I've ever been before. What is happening to me?

Being willing to work with uncomfortable feelings in a psychiatric group has helped me get used to having moments of being uncomfortable without quitting an activity altogether. I'm accepting the uncomfortable feelings as just part of the process when doing something new.

I strive to explain what I experience, so you all can follow me, or even run ahead of me on this journey of recovery. I'm passing through a new stage of human development. Maybe Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?

The chart to the right is from Wikapedia:

While I have a sense that, for the most part, I'm getting closer to the last two stages of this pyramid, it really doesn't reflect what I'm longing to express. In studying this chart, keep in mind, this is more of a general outline, not a hard and fast list of what you have to accomplish before moving to the next level. I believe we'll be working on some of these things until the day we die.

I feel like I'm almost leaving childhood. Perhaps I'm doing some kind of personality sprouting. I have continued searching for an explanation of what I've been experiencing lately.

There is an organization called TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design), on the internet. I listened to a presentation by Mihaly Csilszentmihalyi. Below is the lecture discription.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Creativity, fulfillment and flow
Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi asks, "What makes a life worth living?" Money cannot make us happy, he says -- instead, he looks to people who find pleasure and lasting satisfaction in activities that bring about a state of "flow." Watch this talk >>

This talk is about creativity, fulfillment and flow. The first chart was showing that income alone doesn't predict happiness. I'm sure I am not alone in learning this painful lesson.

Once basic needs are met and there is enough money to be comfortable, more money no longer contributes to being happy. I was surprised that happy people are only 30% of our population. That number is disturbingly low in my opinion. That means 70% of people are unhappy! Thus 7 out of 10 people you meet aren't finding fulfillment in life. That fact is very sad.

The part of this talk I found so energizing was a chart he showed about "skills" and their relationship to each other in terms of reaching a state of creativity and flow.

What he calls "skills" I think of as emotional states, especially anxiety, arousal and flow. I think of flow as another way of:
"following your bliss", from the work of Joseph Campbell. Flow can also be finding total enjoyment or contentment while doing something.

On the chart, notice the skills directly across from one another:

• Flow -- Apathy
  
• Arousal -- Boredom
  
• Control -- Worry
  
• Relaxation -- Anxiety
  

The left-hand list are all positive skills, while their opposites (Apathy, Boredom, worry and Anxiety) are all negative skills, or as I prefer to think of them, emotional states.

It is easier to change from being anxious then it is to pull yourself out of boredom. Boredom is not being interested in or engaged with anything in your environment. At least if I'm anxious I care about something in my life.

When people are really having a good time doing something there is a point where they forget themselves. Sometimes I forget where I am, time seems to stop and the task seems to almost complete itself. My entire being is working on something I am thoroughly enjoying.

Csikszentmihalyi theorizes that we only have so many concentration units, say 100, in our brain. Most of the time we are using around 60 concentration units. This leaves 40 concentration units to notice our bodies. In a boring meeting, it is easy to get distracted with how uncomfortable the chair is, for example. When we are in flow however, all 100 units of concentration are focused on the project. This is why being in flow gives the sense of forgetting yourself. There aren't enough concentration units left in our brain to track yourself, as there are under normal circumstances.

The people in this study were people who were accomplished in some field. Most people feel it takes about ten years to gain enough knowledge and experience with something to get into the flow mode. That place where the story writes itself, or the design pieces just seem to fall into place. This state of mind is not constant, but when one is in flow, time no longer matters and doing the task feels almost effortless. Flow is a place of intense satisfaction.

I got so excited watching this lecture. I can't count the number of times I have been carried away into a state of flow creating a church bulletin, reading a book, or learning something new. I pray we all go out and bring that happiness statistic up, one person at a time.

Recovery: The Garbage Stops HERE!

I remember a day in therapy when I realized I had to turn and face the monster in the closet, who was slowly killing me. I screamed out at my therapist:

"Why the hell do I have to do therapy? THEY made the mess!" I was referring to my life, as the mess. My doctor remained quiet, as he knew I was arguing with myself. Something broke lose and I made the decision. I made the commitment to turn around, open that awful closet door and fight formy real life, against the monster. I refer to all my abuse collectively as "The Monster".

Because I knew the mental illness which turned my mother into a sub-human zombie was in me, I refused to have children. People would coo at me: "Your mothering instinct will take over. You'll not hurt your own children," I knew that was not true. My mother truly didn't want to do what she did, or be what she became when she'd lose it. Her mothering instinct went away when her raging fits came forward.

I told my therapist I was in it for the long haul. It was MY problem and I needed help to get well. This was the beginning of real recovery for me, back in 1983.

Check out this magnificent post from Dad-O-Matic. This is heroic, beautiful and miraculous.

Recovery: Working Through Uncomfortable Emotions.

I'm in a group learning basic social skills. I requested help with my social skills in groups larger than three, counting myself. I get so frightened, I either withdraw completely, or force too much attention on myself by putting on a "show". Neither place is truly me. I am tired of being ruled by fear.

I don't understand why I get so scared. I suspect it was just the years of "shaming" I experienced in my crazy childhood. I know I don't understand a lot of "people" things and I'm so afraid of making a mistake. I finally had to admit that prayer by myself wasn't solving the problem.

After several weeks in this group I am learning how to accept times of having uncomfortable emotions. I realize, with proper medication, my emotions are not crippling to me anymore. I don't get swamped and overwhelmed anymore. I have never learned how to just "experience" feeling mildly uncomfortable, until being in this very special and supportive group.

Different mental struggles cause us to need help being with people successfully. Sometimes it is Schizophrenia, where the person is learning to distinguish reality from their own thoughts. Some are paranoid and have to realize that everything in the group is not directed at them, or caused by them. Some people labor with learning difficulties. I am learning how to work with uncomfortable feelings for the first time in my life.

I approach this group of between six and ten people like a "white-knuckle-flier". I grip the arms of my chair as if I will levitate to the ceiling unless securely connected to the chair. My mouth dries up and after our session I gulp water like someone returning from a desert. There is great haling in this strange process. As I force myself to participate and interact, I reprogram myself to function under emotional discomfort. What a concept.

We meet once a week. I have total respect for the other members of the group, because I comprehend how hard they are working in the group. I am thankful for my set of problems, others seem to be laboring with things so much more difficult than I. I love the supportive atmosphere. This is not a group that needs confrontation, or tear-down. This is a group which is learning how it feels to be supported and gently taught new sets of skills. It sounds simple, but for people laboring with severe forms of mental difficulties "socalizing" is a tremendous challenge.

Our group leader is a psychiatric nurse. We have to "check in" giving a quick run-down on our week, or day. She shares parts of her life with us to model how to "check in". We then are asked who said what. If we don't remember the person's name, we can gesture to them and request their name. I find this part most troubling, emotionally. I want to run and hide, but I force myself to admit I don't remember a name and then tell what I remember of what the person shared. Sometimes it is very difficult to hear people speak, as they are so scared, they have trouble speaking much over a whisper.

Then we are led in mild physical and mental exercise. These exercises are math or logic problems and some gentle physical movement. We can ask questions of the group and sometimes our leader asks a group member specific questions about an interest, or activity they've mentioned. We wrap up the group with a fun exercise of telling a story. It doesn't have to make sense, or hang together. Again, just forcing us to open up and communicate.

Why the exercises? They are to help us reduce stress and gain physical and mental balance. Exercises also assist us in concentrating on the world around us, instead of being locked into our own thoughts.

I aways feel like I've been refreshed after group is over. I'm somehow lighter inside. I pray for all the members of our group. I am glad I'm getting some perspective on my fears. I hurt for some of the struggles I see members going through as they fight to overcome their fear. I am extremely grateful for the compassion of our leader and our HMO who provides this group. This group is a chance to challenge years of self-imposed isolation and self-hatred. A way to overcome our fears and emerge into thew sunshine of life with other people.

Counterfeit Life Part two: Mistaking "insanity" for "equality".

The government bail-outs haven't worked and our economic system may be in collapse. I heard the author of The Fourth Turning state that out of disaster comes new systems that work, while the old dead wood is swept away. Even though I might be one of the victims of the next "depression", I say: this fire will burn up the missteps of political correctness, THANK GOD!

This generation is beginning to wake up to our "Great Depression of 2008". Using back-of-the-envelope figures, I'd estimate the stock market has lost around 40% of its October 10, 2007 value. For every $100 you had in 2007, you now only have $60. It looks like our world as we've known it is about to become globally centralized and geographically nationalized.

How did we get so screwed up financially? Noble desires were made into ridiculous laws. Its not fair that poor people are denied the "experience" of home ownership. It is also unfair that people who are severely disabled are prevented from the "experience" of a mainstream education. So, laws were drafted to "right" these "wrongs".

Enter the law of "unintended consequences", or the "oops" factor.

Laws went through forcing institutions to lend money to under qualified applicants. Laws were also passed to force most disabled students into the main stream school system. For the world of finance we now have loan swaps, which have brought Wall Street firms to their knees. In the school system, entire classes are disrupted for the sake of the "rights" of a single student, who by common sense should be in a different educational situation.

In short order we will all have to handle problems we'd only read about in history books. All the "fluff" of our economic and spiritual lives will be squeezed out of us due to harsh financial realities. It won't be easy, or pretty. But after a natural ground fire in a forest, burning away the excess undergrowth, new life emerges from the ashes.

We tried to argue with what the 1929 survivors of The Great Depression learned. They realized that completely unregulated anything was a bad idea, as there is always someone who attempts to defraud, and or is dangerously reckless. They focused on their financial system and erected barriers and restrictions to prevent a repeat of what they'd just come through.

We also decided that, since our generation was somehow more far-seeing and noble, to throw out what used to be thought of as "common sense" business and educational practises. If you didn't have a certain amount of real money and a good credit track record, you couldn't get a loan for something huge, like a house. If your disability was so severe as to require one-on-one attention, you were placed outside the average classroom environment.

This fuzzy-thinking got all mixed up with another concept. The very real and different problem of prejudice. If a black family and a white family have the same amount of assets and the same good credit record, both should qualify for and be able to purchase a house. If not, prejudice is involved. That is immoral and has rightfully been legislated out of  "official" existence.

If a person's disability can be managed in such a way that the general learning environment isn't destroyed for the rest of the class, that disabled person should be allowed to attend a regular school classroom. If that qualified disabled person is banished to some other type of learning environment, prejudice has reared its ugly head and rightfully, legislation has been passed to right this particular wrong.

But now enter fuzzy thinking. The white family has an unfair advantage over the black family due to our dreadful past history of "sort of" civil rights. Therefore, ANY family, even those with few assets and a poor credit track record should be given the chance to have a house anyway! This is business suicide. Experience taught business what an average "bad credit risk" does. They usually end up in default. That means the bank doesn't get paid back and they have to re-sell the home at a loss.

The fuzzy thinking in education now mandates that All people with disabilities, with very few exceptions, shall be mainstreamed. So a child who is emotionally unable to control his tendency to scream is put into a 30-student classroom where an overworked and totally frustrated teacher, attempts to "teach". This is insanity, not equality. Sadly this issue has been swept from public consciousness due to our current financial woes.

What were the lenders supposed to do with this "mandated" bad debt? It was now law to run their businesses in a "risky" manner. Someone figured out how to gather a groups of mortgages together in a loan package which could be resold. There were "some" bad loans in the package, but most of it was "good" debt. With deregulation, the overall package was rated AAA and everyone ignored the small amount of bad debt that came with this thing called a Loan Swap.

Because old limits and restrictions had been removed, banks who used to be prevented from playing around in speculative markets with depositor's monies, now could roam free. It used to be that there were two different kinds of banks. A depositor's bank, where you put your money in a checking or savings account and when you want to get your money back out of the institution, at any time, you got your cash returned to you.

The other type of bank was an investment bank. This bank worked in a riskier environment and people who had brokerage accounts at this type of institution realized the difference. This bank had investment accounts instead of deposits. These investment accounts purchased stocks and other "investments". Once you were in play in this arena, you generally moved your money into and out of different stocks, making and losing money as the market ebbed and flowed. It was possible to lose all of your money.

A depositor, on the other hand, was protected from the problem of going to his bank and being told that his money was gone. With the evaporation of former barriers, basically, all hell broke lose, when the bad debts started cascading through the system. Because the bad debts were mixed in with good debts, nobody could accurately estimate how much bad debt they were carrying on their books. This is what caused the banks to stop trusting each other. The interest they charged one another began to skyrocket and then the markets went into free fall.

As of today (Friday, October 10, 2008) international leaders are seriously considering shutting down markets, world wide and re-writing the rules of investing. Instead of a bank "holiday" we may be looking at a Market Holiday. All of the "fixes" tried so far have not stopped the worlds markets from crashing.

I know the next months and possibly years will be difficult. I also know that a lot of our former fuzzy-thinking will be burned away with the current financial ground fire. Once again, whether in finance, or education, our generation will come to understand what past generations painfully learned. The harsh realities: "No, this time won't be different", "wishing don't make it so" and "people have to be protected from excesses".

Business Week Gives Fluky Technology The Bird.

My friend back East has chided me for being immature and over wrought when COMPLAINING about software, hardware and customer services which DO NOT WORK!

Well, nuts to you! Listen to what a business owner and CPA had to say... (God, this made my DAY!)

Again! Tech that doesn't work won't let us work - BusinessWeek

Counterfeit Life Part One: Occult, Cults, and Scams.

As I watch a friend wonder ever deeper into the bizarre world of The New Age Movement, I asked myself: "Why"? Her latest money loosing adventure has to do with specially made glass "tools" for healing. The instructions for making these tools comes to us from something on "the other side", an Ascended Master. This Ascended Master speaks to and is seen by a living human being. As a Christian, I know what this something is. This is messing around with "spirits". God condemned the practice and counsels us to stay away from all of it. The occult, communicating with the dead and sorcery.

My friend knows how I feel about all of this and held down her enthusiasm while relating the details of her latest Seminar experience. I did some web searching and discovered a massive organization of interlocking companies and practitioners dealing in the utterances of this "Ascended Master". It is no coincidence that these practitioners are also "selling" his wildly expensive "tools". What a racket!

12 glass tools for $3,000! They look like poorly shaped glass bobbles. There is the tiresome, never-ending need to buy the latest gadget suggested by the Ascended Master. My favorite by far is the "Amplifier". This is a gizmo that makes the energy you get from earlier tools more potent! The wheel of "hope" is another side splitting piece of the "equipment". I was shocked to hear that these tools average $250 a piece. They are are of such poor quality as to be easily scratched, if they "bump" things. As part of the healing process, one is required to sleep with and or carry on their person several of these tools. One good nights rest causes scratching. I can buy a $25 paperweight from an office supply store which is more durable then that!

This gal is on a fixed income like I am, but has sunk thousands of dollars into this New Age garbage. Her family is eagerly "assisting" her in a desperate attempt to "help" her. This help is expensive, averaging $300 for a 50 minute "reading". (Average cost of a Psychiatrist is cheaper). She is blind, but her readings describe her soon-to-be "manifested" husband in visual terms!

After one Pump-her-up cycle and a failed relationship attempt, she went to her HMO and they upped her anti depressants! She is absolutely sure her next husband will make her life totally complete. Hardly. I feel both angry at and sad for my friend.

I refer to all of this, including my 20 years with Dr. Scott as "A Counterfeit Life". because the draw is getting all the benefits of a successful life without having to do the work to actually achieve a successful life. Dr. Scott promised me three things:

1. I didn't have to read the Bible, he'd do it for me.
   
2. If I gave money like he taught I'd be rich.
   
3. I was involved in the next religious reformation. Smarter then the rest of the pack! (glory).

yyyda
How do you build a successful relationship with God, a person, an animal or a skill? You have to spend time with it and put in some EFFORT. When I finally realized that Scott had sold me down the river spiritually, I made it my business to read the Bible for myself, by myself. Yeah, its a big book, but at 30 minutes a day, you can read it from cover to cover in a year.

This process of investigation is how you get to "know" and become familiar with God and His ways from The Bible's point of view. My prayer life started to change as I learned how careful God is with details. The way He keeps His people from unseen harm and danger. Little and large discoveries which I still experience when I spend time in the Bible. I invest my time and energy and gain the dividends of knowledge and expanding faith in God.

So now some folks admire and pay attention to my spiritual life and musings. There is no gloating in this situation. I have really learned that God has given me everything I have. He gets the credit. I just show up and tackle what is directly in front of me.

A rule of life. TINSTAAFL "There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch". There is no such thing as easy money, easy relationships, or an easy life. Every scam I've ever studied has at its root a motivation of greed: "... after 18 months I was making $5,000 a month." Doing what, selling Cocaine? (no, Real Estate, phone services, health care or little glass tools at $3,000 a dozen.

Note how the SELLER is making money off YOU the buyer! Real life works out slowly, cumulatively and in fits and starts. (There are no freeways to success). I am achieving some serious success and public recognition at my church as a webmaster and bulletin-maker. However, I had to do put in some serious behind-the-scenes effort for these things.

What you now see is a polished, professional weekly bulletin for the church. What you don't see are the countless hours of study. I had to read about printers, inks, paper, computers and many different programs to get the job done. I had generous help from friends who knew more than I did. They shared their time and friendship with me as I struggled to "learn" how to learn and work.

You don't see the several all-nighters I put in "teaching" myself how a program "really" works. "But it says in the help menu..." Yeah, Virginia, there may be a Santa Claus, but it doesn't really work like that". Oh the joy of getting around a programs "quirks"! You also don't see my hours of praying to, pouting at and arguing with God about how "I just can't do this!" But with all of the above and a lot of help from God, I continue to deliver a needed set of services to my church.

I started really playing around with printing back in 1999. (1999 - 2008 = 9 years)! Don't have buckets of money, or fame, or even a marriage; but I do have the greatest level of contentment and life satisfaction I've ever known.

An Economic Fairytale.

Once upon a time, I was very immature and believed what MasterCard said on its commercials.

(phalanx of business suit clad marchers. singing:) "100,000 banks behind you!" as they paraded over a giant MasterCard. I got one and used that image to fluff up my ego until...

One day I had a medical crisis. Big bad reality slapped me with $3,000 of un-planned-for expense. Reality can be so MEAN!

I LOST my MasterCard when the bank realized I couldn't pay them back. I cried and cried.

So some wealthier friends and I invested in Real Estate, Junk Bonds and a drug to make a penis grow. We got REALLY, REALLY, REALLY rich!

Then one day the government told us owners of Real Estate that it wasn't fair to exclude poor people from home ownership. 

So, the NINJA loan was born. "No Income, No Job or Assets". All of us MBA-types knew this was C-R-A-Z-Y! But it is not politically correct to protest being "open minded" and or  "liberal". We didn't want to be called "meanies".

We had all these, well, "holy and righteous" loans. What to do, what to do...?

Then one of our business associates over at The Investment House of Sock It To 'Em

solved the problem. We repackaged all this, "New" stuff with the traditional "old" stuff and sold it as a revolutionary "New" low-risk loan swap. (Wow, now whoever came up with THAT earned their commission!)

Since the Firm of Sock It To 'Em was Huge, I mean H-u-g-E. They had to be trustworthy, right? Yeah. National and even FOREIGN banks gobbled up the new investment vehicle and the market went up and up.

But then The Big Bad Bitch of Reality forced a small bank to actually LOOK at the new loan-swaps they had purchased, to show off their latest profits. To their shock, they were insolvent!

Upon serious investigation, they realized that a 6:10 ratio of bad debt sat on their balance sheet. "I know SOME people did that, but ALL of them? 

What to do... what to do...?

When the other banks, brokers and the rest of the business world got wind of this, they got VERY, VERY scared because these loan swaps were EVERYWHERE and the markets started doing swan dives losing 10% and more of their total value A DAY.

What to do... What to do...?

Then a wonderful elderly gentleman quietly held up his hand and softly stated that he would buy up all those bad-old-investments and everything would be alright.

The markets rebounded for a few days, before people had time to consider...

Uncle Sam was already in Deep Shit debt. Several Trillion, (yeah, trillion, with a T) dollars in debt and this would move him up to something like a $15 trillion deficit per YEAR!

The IMF (International Monetary Fund) and The World Bank began to check up on 'ol Sammy boy...

See children, when the IMF and The World Bank "help" a country, they make mean-old financially sound decisions. (I refer you to the history to many countries in Africa, for a review of IMF reality). The business world is beginning to balk...

But wait, Uncle Sam says that there will be no accountability as to how the pot of money will be spent... Maybe the business World will accept this. They have friends who need help too.

Stay tuned for our next exciting episode:" The Day The IMF calls US Economic Voodoo a big pile of doodoo"

 

Learning To Look To The Future With Hope: Not Letting My Fears Take Charge

For a few years now, I have learned (usually through running into pain I refuse to face) to keep my head down and focus only on what is directly in front of me. This pattern has served me very well in stopping fruitless forays into suicidal thinking. If it makes me that crazy, I back off.

Lately, I have begun to feel a kind of boredom and aimlessness. Part of this malaise, I'm sure was due to another dreary two weeks of having a bad cold which never completely went away.

While fighting the above, I have also had wonderful news and interactions with friends. I have been told to look forward to next year, as I will be invited to participate in a project a friend is putting together. Because my friend knows I get easily rattled, no further details have been given.

I had a feeling something like this was about to happen. God has a way of continuing to build my life in new and exciting ways. I've learned to ask few questions, beyond finding out what I am supposed to be doing, for the immediate future.

Then the business world darn near ground to a halt with the stock market in the U. S. taking a 950 point dive in one week. Since I have heard that when government money gets tight, the poor are the first to receive the financial cuts, I got very frightened.

Understanding the facts and causes of something helps me calm down. There was a great quote in The Making of a psychiatrist. He summed up his boss as follows: "...you could set his office on fire - and as long as he knew Why, everything was alright." (!) I am EXACTLY  like that. Information is what I need to conquer fear.

I know nothing about finance, so off to Google I went.  I wanted to see a history of stock market crashes to gage what I might have to contend with, should things continue going bad.

I discovered a series of books on finance which are collectively known as "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". These books are designed to teach folks like me basic "financial literacy", from the perspective of someone who has, or is considering gaining wealth. The first book came out in the '90's and its STILL a best seller!

I found a quote about character which has helped me sort out the fight between good and bad desires and actions. For me, it is the beginning of gaining control over my own mind.

Inside each of us is a kind person, a mean person, a greedy person, a rich person, a poor person, a coward, a crook, a hero, a liar, a cheapskate, a lover, a loser, and more.

Fromm: Rich Dad's Prophecy, Chapter 1. p 18. by Robert Kiyosaki

The key here is the thought frame of reference. Am I going to think like a courageous person, or a coward? Take a situation and consider how these two perspectives color feelings and actions.

I submit my usually completely irrational and cowardly attitude toward being on Government aid:

Cowardly self:

• its hopeless.
•  I'm completely at the mercy of the System.
• I will continue to get poorer.
• I'll be spending more money to achieve less.
• HMO will choose to pay to let me kill myself, rather then to treat my illnesses. I heard a report of this situation already being a reality in Oregon where euthanasia is legal.
  
• I solve the above by taking no action on my behalf.
• I'll just wait for life to "have its way with me".

Courageous Self:

• No external situation can dictate my thinking.
•  I choose to gain emotional stability by learning how to challenge the dreadful list above.
• I am not a victim
• What if I do get further opportunities which could lead me off the system? A wonderful female comic used to say something completely outrageous and then cry out: "well, it could HAPPEN!"
• God is my source of supply, not the government, or any other external situation. 
• I am not alone
• I am not helpless
• I'm not sure he story about Euthanasia is true, but even if it is, God is in charge of the number of days in my life. PERIOD!
• I will educate myself to what is out there financially, to prepare for getting off the system.
• I will let God open any doors of opportunity. All I have to do is educate myself and plan.
• I am capable of real courage and good character. 
• Until lead differently, I'm going to assume, my dream of true self-sufficiency is starting to come true. 
• I will study instead of stew when life starts to scare me.

This is where the battle for success really resides, not in your circumstances, but in your mind. I wish all of you a mental victory over whatever you fear will destroy you. 

"Yeah?", I used to scream at this kind of thinking: "well, what if it is as bad as I fear and all that bad stuff actually does happen to me? Then what, Shirley Temple?"

I still am in God's hands and He has control of the length of my life. Joining the "Ain't It Awful" club only saps my energy, kills my hope and is a waste of my (and others') time. Nothing has control over my thought-life other then me. 

I choose to think positively, if nothing else, it is good for my body not to dump all the fight/flight stress into my system.

If I end up staying on the system, I have the priceless gift of knowledge and new possibilities for personal growth because of new knowledge. I will have learned how to invest in and believe in myself. It is always easier to keep a moving object in motion instead of starting something moving from a dead stop.

When Life Styles Colide.

I am absolutely in love with my first PDA, a Palm Z22. The bottom-of-the-line for this device. It is great, except the dictionary available for it just doesn't cut it. So, if I go up to the next level $199. I can get a serious dictionary program on a memory card.

A friend alerted me to the fact that for another $30 I could get an iPod Touch with everything I want with audio/video capability. A whole 8 GB. Let the drooling begin. We wrote back and forth and I realized I'd need to go to an Apple Store to make sure I could actually read the interface. As I always do, I began to lay out the pros and cons for an iPod Touch vs the Palm Tungsten E2 Handheld.

The iPod Touch wins hands down for flexibility, functionality and total hipness.

The Palm is attractive because I am now used to how they do things and am not sure I like not having a stylus to work with. Not nearly as cool, or "hip" device.

Then I remembered a problem with iPods and hipness. A few years ago a teen was killed over his iPod. Yikes! Unlike my upper middle class exec friend, I spend my life walking on the street or riding on various forms of public transit. Theft is an issue, everywhere, but I doubt my friend seriously worries about being killed so someone can steal his iPod!

I'm pretty sure I'll go with the Palm, as I feel safer using it in public. A hell of a commentary on the current state of affairs in the big city, huh?

So, when I make my decision, my friend will be buying me a better dictionary as an early Christas present. SWEET!

Building A Life Around What You Love

People who are passionate about what they do excite me. Chris Brogan is one of those people. He got my attention on twitter.com due to his varied and always interesting questions. Actually, another friend on twitter.com referred to him as a "must follow". This was advice I took and am grateful for. Chris is offering a free ebook: "Personal Branding for the Business Professional"

As a baby-boomer (age 55), I came into adulthood before the Internet revolution. We were taught to go to college, find something we liked to do, major in it and get a job. The assumption was of a job which could last for decades. Once work was settled we set about building the rest of our lives

Those days are gone. Sadly, it is now a world where you have to assume there is no truth or trust, or loyalty or even morality around any more anywhere.

Everything is fragmented, situational and "me-oriented. We are all tied to a computer for most of our day.  Social networking on the computer was developed as the new "water cooler" experience. You don't leave your work station to socialize, you shoot off an email, IM, or a tweet. 

Brogan's book is full of good ideas on many different levels. Beautiful lists of technology and life-building tools. This book is an outline for a new kind of social and economic structure. He speaks of a new ROI (Return On Influence). I believe this concept is much more valuable than we can imagine. Just for background, ROI traditionally stands for Return On Investment. But when I invest myself in something, I have potential influence, as my input has the ability to influence someone else. It is the start of an entirely new business and social model, built on the ashes of the pre-computer worlds of life and work.

Enjoy this man and his work. Check out his blog also.

This new model lives and breathes on the Internet. Welcome to life 2.0!

An Involuntary Set Of Masks

There are two parts to me I am becoming uncomfortable with. In a large group, say more than three people, I clam up and only engage with my food. Or, a switch gets flipped somewhere and I push myself to perform grabbing inappropriate amounts of attention in a group.

Both of these states feel somewhat beyond my control. I know that is not technically true, but I haven't figured out how to break through these behaviors on my own. So, when I had my yearly check-in with my Psychiatrist, I brought these issues to her attention. Are there any groups that can assist me with these issues?

To my great relief and surprise, such groups exist. Due to my strange background, some emotional exchanges between people also baffle me. I went for an intake interview for this group and will start on a three week "try out" next week. This group may not be what I need, but after three sessions, I can evaluate and go on from that point.

I can not express how good it feels to be able to tell the truth about an issue I've labored under for years. I hide my emotional in-experience with total silence, or with hyped-up performance. These behaviors have their place, but I want the freedom to choose how I behave. I no longer want to have my fears control my behavior.

Another victory of late was my successful visit to the grand opening of Barack Obama's Northern California campaign headquarters. I really wanted to go and see what it was all about. The first time I've ever desired to see a campaign headquarters for any candidate.

My less mature behavior used to be to plan to go, but not go at the last minute. Mindlessly repeating a pattern my family had of promising to include me in something, but changing their mind at the last minute. I am joyful to share that I actually got the transit information I needed and went to the campaign headquarters.

It was very crowded and set up with a bunch of tables where a large group of people could come through, sign-up for different activities and grab a snack. I'm talking a large crowd in a relatively average sized room. After looking around a bit and signing in, I decided it was more then I was ready to deal with alone. It would have been unfair to buttonhole one of the staff member and tie them up with being my "helper". So, I got some lemonade and left.

From this experience, I now have the confidence to visit the medical supply company in Berkeley to get a different, hopefully, lighter weight walker. A walker which will fit easier into small cars.

I have had to work very hard not to break promises I've made to myself. I used to let my fear keep me from attempting to go somewhere new. Now, I check things out. If I really wanted to roll along with a big crowd, I know I could ask for and receive help from friends. What a wonderful bit of knowledge THAT is. Truth be told, large crowds frighten me. I truly fear being trampled. But I'm no longer coping out on myself by not exploring things which interest me.

This Campaign Is Sounding More And More Like A Bad Day In The School Yard.

One of my weaknesses is a sheer love of idealism. I fall for it every time and then get upset when the practice doesn't match the theory. Okay, this is politics and by its nature its nasty, sleezy, unfair and a weird way to select a leader. But what is happening with The Republican side of things is really beginning to bug me.

The female VP quipped that being governor is kind of like being a community organizer except one has REAL responsibilities! OH, PLEASE! And it just is twirling round and round like that. All Barack has to do is just stick to his standard speeches and not lower himself to the Republican level. Where have all the adults gone?

Professional commentators are getting so frustrated, they are alluding to going off after their show and getting good and drunk! By-the-way, whose stupid idea was it to make the election season more than a year long...?

Yeah, I hear you Republican-types telling me to collect my government check and go away. Sorry, next bit of feed back please.

I went out for dinner and was totally shocked at how prices are sky-rocketing. I may just skip my planned vacation and get a tech toy instead (while I can still afford to BUY said tech toy.

After 40 years I've Become A Democrat.

My first election I paid attention to was Nixon in "68. I couldn't vote, but I was up most of the night watching returns come in as a Freshman in High School. I devoured and loved the first two books written by Rush Limbaugh. The republican philosophy galvanized my dream of overcoming my legal blindness to take my place in the American Dream.

Even after mental illness, spiritual bankrupsy and being unable to support myself broke my spirit, I hung on to the rhetoric of the Republican party. I tingled to "The Republican Revolution" and "The Contract For America". I slunk down in shame to see the shocking difference between the ideals and the reality of impotence delivered from Washington and elsewhere.

My own life got better as I came to terms with my reality. Thanks to several government programs, I am supported and cared for by God through the tax payers of this country. If the Republicans had there way, I'd have nothing, except private charity. A chill runs through me as I write.

When Bush II wove conservative religion into his inaugural, my heart again filled with hope for the Republican Ideas I still loved. 9/11 cemented me firmly as a republican. I rejoiced when Bush II got four more years. Sadly, I again fought through the bitter disillusionment of what appears to be corruption and incompetence dancing together within the Republican party.

Every time I hear McCain speak, I shudder at his age. Is this the best the GOP has? I just couldn't see myself voting at all in November. But as a U. S. citizen and a Christian, apaqthy isn't an option. I liked Obama's prepared speeches. Now this guy could give a speech!

But Obama without prepared notes is also an embarrassment. He needs to go to Toastmasters for nine months and dump the "ahs" and other problems he has when stalling for time to think of a reply. If I know about Toastmasters, don't Obama's handlers know about it?

But Obama being where he is AT ALL is historic. On the final night of the Democratic Convention I was hooked up live via the Internet to see and hear his acceptance speech. Conservative talk radio made much of the stage. Yeah, ornate, but not the regal set supposed. Nobody was carrying Obama in on a throne...

During that speech I switched parties. For the first time in my life I actually gave money to a candidate. When I hear and watch Obama, he brings back hope, optimism and a willingness to help him become president. When I hear McCain talk, I wonder how much longer he'll remain healthy enough to stand up.

So now McCain has picked a fiery woman from Alaska as his running mate.

Too little too late. I am moving on.

Since Thursday evening I've gotten four different emails from the campaign, Obama, Bidan and even Michelle Obama! Sure, they are trolling for money, but each email also has campaign news and friendliness. I like their style and will alert them to this blog, as part of my continuing contribution to the cause.

I hear my republican friends howling that I'm being taken down a river of rhetoric. Yeah, inflation is eating me alive and your people got us here.

Obama cries out: "Its time for a CHANGE"

and I join in the national reply: "YES WE CAN!"

After You're Done With Therapy, what's Next?

A friend has just started down that hard road of therapy. She's wiped out all the time and can't figure out why she doesn't want to do anything besides sit around and ... I informed her that right now therapy IS her life and there isn't much energy left over beyond that for awhile. How long? I can't answer that, but berating yourself for not progressing faster just saps energy better left available for the healing process.

I, on the other hand, have been through both the talking part of recovery and still take medication to manage my screwy brain chemistry. After therapy you begin to build a life. This blog is my example of that process, as it is happening. I stumbled along for awhile and slowly my "today" took shape. 

I have lots of work to do for my church. I am still working on not burning myself out doing the work-a-holic routine. It is so hard  to believe that I don't have to run myself into the ground to PROVE to God that I love Him. But I am getting much better at working at my job a few hours a day. Then I can enjoy other activities at will.

If you have come from a serious abuse history, your work is never totally done. I am now investigating some emotional issues. I have arranged to get into some short term group work for the problem. I was so relieved to finally find a place I can deal with my problems about emotions. Well, I came home and wept. Thanks to being on proper medication for my bi-polar disorder, I cried for maybe ten minutes and not several hours. What working your process gives you is this kind of control and freedom.

There was a time when being sad about a problem would hang my entire life up for days, weeks, or even months. It was just plain awful.

The wonderful part of being emotionally healthy is how life is always moving, changing and expanding. My church work keeps evolving. I now produce CD's of sermons I also put up on the web. So, I had to again dive into learning about how to make labels and packaging for CD's.

When I start something new, it feels like I'm dumb as a stump. Not a true evaluation. I ignore it and push on to produce labels and packaging. When I don't hassle myself for the learning "errors", the process almost becomes fun.

I am learning to apologize when necessary. Recently, I had an exam by a Dr.  She and I were both having a bad day. In my opinion she behaved badly, but for sure I behaved badly also. We basically sniped at one another.

Upon reflection, I felt bad for my part of the encounter. It was clear that my Dr. was having a bad day (before my entrance into her day). For sure I didn't make her day any better. So, I shot off a brief email of apology for my own snooty behavior. To my surprise, I got a very kind response. Probably made her feel better also. 

Another thing that begins to appear in a busy life is marvelous tech toys which solve problems.

I am totally addicted to my new Palm Z22. A little device I originally bought for reading all my eBooks. I have over 1,000 titles put together by a loving friend. The Z22 has a way to set it up so I can use reverse video. I can read anywhere and am no longer tied to my computer, or a stronger-than-normal light source.

I am also discovering other uses for this nifty gadget. I can take hand written notes on it, like I used to try and do with pen and paper. Notes never get crumpled up, or lost now. Oh, how sweet it it!

Finally, I bought a portable exercise machine, a ski-stepper. Actually use it too! Again, no marathon sessions, just a little exercise every few days.

So, for my dear friend just starting on the journey of recovery,  be PATIENT! Yeah, I know, I wasn't patient either, but I wish I had been able to hear that message when I was starting out in recovery.

Entitlement: I Waited Too Long To Get Subsidized Housing.

It is Memorial Day and I am at the apartment of a disabled church member. He has had several strokes and can't work. He has a one bedroom apartment with a backyard for $520/Mo. I confess I got angry and jealous over his residence.

For $560/Mo. I live in a 14 foot x 14 foot room with a sink, no heat, closet, bathroom or kitchen. This is not subsidized housing. But with a bathroom down the hall, careful use of a small space heater, microwave, rice cooker, refrigerator and one of those hang-over-the-door closets I make out pretty well.

I have heard many times that with my 3 disabilities: legal blindness, Cerebral Palsy and a hearing loss, I qualify for subsidized housing. Yes, but millions of others do also, and there is a pecking order.

See we disabled folk decided to make it a law that we are to be "un-disabled" legally. So, when I apply for a job, they can't have a note in my file about my low vision, use of a walker, or anything that would make me "look" disabled. What this accomplishes is a two trip stage to not being hired.

I go for the "agency" interview. Since my file looks like everyone else's file I get a call for a job. If I don't have a little chat with the placement agent, I'd show up at the work site and would be sent home! It is much easier to tell the placing agent about my legal blindness and get hung up on, without wasting hours of my life to accomplish the same thing. Yes, its illegal and no, I'm not exaggerating.

Because people love getting something for one-third of its value, able-bodied people have legislated new ways of being "disabled". No more is it the standard, "visible" problems. Now drug/alcohol addiction, being grossly overweight, mentally ill and most diseases qualify for government housing.

Enter the lawyers, after the passing of the Americans With Disabilities Act. It used to be that a blind adult was allowed to reside with the elderly. No more, blindness is considered a high risk condition and we are now in lovely segregated "disabled only" buildings that are just the opposite of what "mainstreaming" and "liberation" were supposed to be about. 

It wasn't until the passing of the ADA that any landlord ever called me a "bad insurance risk". Now my toileting habits are up for discussion. Its hard on one's sense of self worth to have to explain in painful detail that I can go potty all alone, yes, both kinds and I know if I need to vomit, to go to the potty too!

So, back in 2001, I decided it was time to go after those lovely apartments everyone was saying were mine for the taking. Oh, how shocked I became after several months of this dreary adventure. I decided to go through a Social Worker, as I thought they had an "in". They don't, but me traipsing through their office insures they have a job.

Upon entering this Social Worker's office, I met a young lady who demonstrated how one survives a drive-by shooting in one's living room. I was so totally taken aback by this, I actually lay prone on her office floor as she explained how you lay flat on the ground until the shooting stops!

Still believing I had some rights in this melodrama I sarcastically informed her: "If you think I want a studio apartment bad enough to risk being shot in my own living room - lady you are crazy!" Bad client, naughty, no! Never assert yourself. You need to understand...

This lady then lectured me on my attitude. Oh sigh! She then handed me a three-inch thick sheaf of papers with two columns of addresses on each sheet. The ones marked "open" were the ones I could contact for possible housing.

99% of the apartments were "closed" or "non-disabled", or wouldn't take MY set of disabilities!

The several that were open were in neighborhoods the police attempt to avoid. No, no, I won't go! So after an attempt with another agency, yielding even nastier neighborhoods to live in, I gave up and prayed to God for the gratitude for what I had in 2001. A ghetto room where people pulled knives on you as you attempted to go to the bathroom. (They were free-basing at the time).

Within three months that building was condemned and I moved to my current middle class location with a high rent. BUT it is safe, quiet and clean. I wish I had more space, but again, it is safe, quiet, clean and I have sunlight most of the day through a beautiful window that actually looks out to the sky and not another building wall!

People at church have been pushing me to really go for getting better housing. I endured their: "you have no faith" lectures and did not re-enter the world of subsidized housing. Oh, need I forget, I'm 153,462 on one waiting list and #1, on a second. I always lose out to an incoming AIDS patient and I've been #1 for YEARS! I finally just let them all laps. After five years, what the hell?

But viewing my friend's this lovely little apartment on Memorial Day, hypnotized me back into the fray. I was given an emergency housing hotline for my county. The person who called for me told me that this agency requested me to call them, as: "... they were sure they could help you". NOT!

I connected to what sounded like a 911 call room. I gave my story and was begrudgingly given two phone numbers. All housing recommended to me was in towns 2 hours away from where I live. Of course, some of those same great enclaves of crime and violence came up also.

I have to ask myself: Where is it written that I am entitled to something MORE that I can't afford? The Government is already paying my general support plus almost $300 a month in free insurance and medication. It isn't like I'm on the street with a tin cup. What is so bad about having a bathroom and shower down the hall, when being in the hall is so safe, that people leave their doors unlocked while in the bathroom, or shower?

Once again I relearn that to plan ahead when one is on the system is silly. The man on the hot line was not impressed that I felt I was losing my ability to walk up and down the 30 stairs in this building. They aren't set up for THAT. So, I'll walk until I have to butt-walk and when it gets to the crawling stage, I'll be screwed-up enough that my HMO will enlist that Social Worker to "put" me somewhere. But by then, my mouth might be the only fully functioning organ in my body. I'm going back to being thankful for what I have and not pursuing the holy grail of a kitchen and toilet I can call my own.