Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Priorities, What's Really Important?

This World Is Not My Home

This world is not my home I'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

They're all expecting me and that's one thing I know
my savior pardoned me and now I onward go
I know He'll take me through though I am weak and poor
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

Just up in Glory Land we'll live eternally
the Saints on every hand are shouting victory
their song of sweetest praise drifts back from Heaven's shore
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore
O Lord you know I have no friend like you
if Heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do?
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore

I was so shellshocked from the events of yesterday. I actually removed the church check from my wallet and "voided" it. I felt very, very disconnected from reality. The last time I experienced such a disconnect was the first night I left (was tossed out of) my x-lover's house. I was at a friend's home on an emergency basis. I had been working in her home for almost 10 years and yet the house, my belongings and the world in general felt "strange". I felt like I didn't belong.

I couldn't sleep last night. I found myself stairing at the ceiling and pondering if it mattered what I did any more. I could just walk away from everything and wait to die... Better figure out what is important, or this kind of thinking could lead me into the hosspital.

What does the Bible have to say about this situation? Am I mad at God? Am I mad at myself? What has me so riled up?

I felt God very close to me and realized that whatever was happening I wasn't mad at God because He didn't do anything in this situation. I had misunderstood the rules of the system which is paying my medical costs. They rightly assume I am unable to work. While this is TECHNICALLY untrue, the reality is I need more money than Social Security provides and my ability to make up the difference has been amply demonstrated to not exist. Oh man! my pride is having a howling problem with THAT bit of reality!

According to Jesus, finding Him is the most important assignment of my life on earth. I may not have the trappings of the "World", but I am saved and have a deep and rich relationship with God and His people.

According to my Pastor's wife, this is just the devil attempting to derail the blessings I'm accruing from this month of fasting and intense prayer. That almost makes sense to me, as I've been tempted to drink, use drugs and just act crazy in response to realizing I traded in my ability to get off the system for the money I need for medicine and treatment. Without my psychiatrtic drugs I truly have no life.

Using the old idea of looking for the good in a difficult set of circumstances, I realize that I am also being tempted to abandon my church's website out of anger. A test of my promise to God that I'd stay with that work regardless of pay. I have a chance to prove how much commitment I have to God's work when I literally have to walk away from compensation.

I realize that in spite of feeling somewhat "lost", I know God will show me a new way of thinking and reacting to my circumstances. He is so close to me as I write. I really have learned to trust Him. I have enough mental strength to tolerate feeling "lost" for awhile.

I now consider someone like Susan Reynolds. Before cancer she had a life and carear with all the ups and downs. Now her life has been turned insid out and upside down due to cancer. I totally appreciate her willingness to share her "hard" times, as well as those days when she is full of energy and hope. I can handle a hard day, just like she can. It gives me strength to face the "strange" and "sad" stuff just watching her whip out her new video cam and have the sheer guts to look us in the face and say: "I'm not doing so well today...". Girl, you give me a gift, every time you do that!

What to do with my friends, and they are friends, who ignore my upsets? It is hard for me not to think of that kind of behavior as cowardice. I have lost some respect for a couple of people, but maybe my mic was on mute and they didn't "hear" me. I know that wasn't true, as I checked my mic, as I tried to re-connect with them on our conference call via Skype. Somebody muted me remotely and they bailed out on me. I have to "forgive" them for that and I'm not ready to deal with that ball of pain just yet.

I hate people with no courage. Apparently to ignore someone having a hard time is how its done, as an individual I thought would be there for me joined the silence on twitter in reaction to my angry tweets. Lesson learned, "you pussies"! Oh, Scott Sigler, how I love you!

I know that kind of "silence" well. Yeah, it is the world's way of "socializing" people. Torture them with absolute abandonment so they will only put out "nice", "tame" and "appropriate" noises. Yeah, I've been through this fire before. I may be down, but I'm not out. I have the balls to "take" whatever comes down. I can't play the "pretend" game about life, as it is a short trip from "happy talk" to Lock-Down" hospital admission for me. So, I will be chided for calling a behavior I hate being a pussy, but that's how it appears to me. If you don't like that, google search on Shirly Temple movies and you'll find something more to your liking.

1 comment:

MacPhilly said...

This is one of my favorite posts, ever! Call it like it is sister, they are wussies. (OK, I used the nicer term ;-)

BUT

You're not nothing. You may not be able to get "paid" because of your situation with a stipend of money, but your work is richly rewarded both here and in heaven. Sure, I know what it feels like when you can't get things, when money is tight (can anyone say 6th week of unemployment - and I can't collect unemployment benefits?). I know what it's like to doubt your worth as a person, as a provider (Someone say 2006 with me). I know what it's like to want to toss it the towel.

BUT

The reality is, my worth is not determined by what someone pays me. It's not determined by my title. It's determined by WHO GOD SAYS I AM. And I'm his kid. Sure, I like it better when I've got a nice contract and a fat paycheck. Makes paying the mortgage one hell of a lot easier. But that isn't what makes me OR YOU.

You rock sister-friend. Don't you EVER forget it or I'll have to come across country and dope slap you! ;-)