Returning 1st work check of $50 or loose $460!

Ah how reality has a way of gumming up a good day. I qualify for two parts of Medi-Cal, California's version of medi-cade (the federal program for the poor, old and disabled). 1st part assumes I only have a right $802. /mo. instead of what I really get from Social Security. They assess a $460 Share of Cost. Being that my rent is $560./mo. I qualify for the program for the REALLY poor and TOTALLY unabled. It pays for 99% of that $460./Mo. share of Cost.

If I take the $50 check from my church for my "work" I will be assessed the $460 + the $50 earned because I'm am only entitled to have $802. They divine that this amount is all I need to live on. So, after some angry tears and a large milkshake I have steeled myself to do the unthinkable. I'm returning the uncashed check to my church and will refuse any "gifts" as they also have the potential of getting me into trouble with our state insurance.

For those of you hankering to hire me. In order to totally leave the "system" I would require about $3,000./Mo. NET. After paying for my insurance and drugs, I'd have about $1,000/Mo. to llive on. Yeah, tried to put together "gainful and substantial" employment for myself for the last 27 years and I now surrender to reality. I can't support myself, even with social security. I get special indigent aid. I do nothing, I have nothing and I am nothing.

Oh! some of you may scream. Rave on, oh dear ones. If you ever join the land of the disabled you will soon meet the worlds of poverty, fixed-incomes and regulations. I fought until I broke and this is just the final piece of glass leaving the shattered frame.

Thanks to my anti-depressants I'm not hysterical. Eventually I'll be able to construct a happier face for all of this. I know I have to be thankful, grateful and compliant. I have to be humble too. I cried in front of two acquaintances and they reacted by pretending I wasn't in their presence. God, such courage my mates! All to make me strong. According to some, people like me have the best blessing from God because since we are poor, we have nothing else to practice but faith. Well, give me a few days and I'll talk myself back into believing that. Right now I feel dangerously cold inside. Its just anger which I'll bleed off through excess work and a bit of overeating.

In a few days I'll be able to listen to my Pastor try and ramp up my "hoper" again, hopefully without crying. This moment is not a lot of fun. I refuse to lie. I get it that when you are sad and mad no one wants to talk to you They wait until you have rejoined them on the river Denial.

So, next post will be "fun" and "uplifting". Yeah, something talks and BS walks. "On the good ship lolly pop"!