NO ADVERTISING & NO AUTOMATIC AUDIO!
(Don't you hate the fact that the entire world is turning into a giant advertisement? Even seeing basically one inch square with my magnifying glasses, I am distracted by the flashing, whirling and sometimes SOUND EMBEDDED websites. If I can't quickly turn off the chatter and or Muzak I NEVER COME BACK!)
This is my private liberation from the incessant pitching that is truly everywhere. At least we are free from most pop-ups! Who ever came up with that little gem ought to be put in a room of wall to wall televisions and computers and forced to listen to and watch ads until they go insane!
Before I share my personal liberation theme song, I must give a brief sketch of some of the family dynamics which set me up for years of therapy and agony. I was basically raised by three different families:
- Parents: ages 1-7
- Aunt : ages 7-12
- Cousin: ages 12-19.
- My Parents:
- Alcoholic and my mother was psychotic (she'd fly into uncontrollable rages, possessing super-human strength, speed and cunning.)
- My Aunt:
- Alcoholic and sadistic. (She found humor in making me suffer in very twisted ways.) masochistic, (she got a perverted pleasure out of being a martyr and making herself suffer.)
- Her daughter/my cousin:
- alcoholic: sadistic, masochistic and narcissistic. (a condition of seeing every life event as though it is happening to you. She had a headache, therefore, it was my fault.)
My cousin was by far the hardest person to live with, in some ways, harder to deal with than my mother, but that is a close race. Narcissism is named after a tragic Greek figure, who saw his reflection in a pool of water. He fell in love with it, and stood transfixed, looking at himself until he died! I thought everything that happened to my cousin was my fault, or my evil intent. It made me into a total co-dependent, as the only way to live with a narcissist is to devote your entire thought life to figuring out what you'd be blamed for, or accused of next!
I found a song that captured the warped dynamic between my cousin and me. When I first heard this song, I literally got goose bumps, as it helped me see that I wasn't the entire problem!
Alan Parson Project,
The Lyrics - (from lyricsdownload.com)
You Don't Believe
My eyes with your vision
My choice but always your decision
My play with your direction
Well it's my lead but always your connection
But when i look into your eyes you don't believe me
I can see it in your eyes you don't believe
My words, your expression
My land, always your possession
My song, your production
My expense is always your deduction
But when i look into your eyes you don't believe me
I can see it in your eyes you don't believe
And the face i see before me
Is both sides of a mirror
You really know you've got a hold on me
And the face you're looking into
Is both sides of a window
And any way you look you see through me
My fame, your reflection
My weakness always your protection
Well it's my terms on your conditions
And they're my tunes but they're your compositions
But when i look into your eyes you don't believe me
I can see it in your eyes you don't believe
(Notice "I" is capitalized only at the start of a sentence, grammar, not a proper noun, like he doesn't exist at some level.)
I heard the Dan Fogelberg song "Phoenix" years ago, but the song absolutely captures my freedom from my complex past. I think of the "old lady" as my mother and or my cousin. Neither of them loved me, and I almost destroyed myself trying to get my cousin to love me.
In a very major sense, the nightmare is over! I am finally reaping the rewards of a lot of very hard work, (in spite of), false starts and wasted time. I hope you can relate to the lyrics. Both songs are at the iTunes Music Store.
Dan Fogelberg Lyrics - (from: lyricsdownload.com)
Phoenix
I have cried too
I have cried too long
I have cried too
I have cried too long
No more sorrow
Got to carry on.
Found deep water
Before I'd even learned to swim
Found deep water
Before I'd even learned to swim
Never thought I'd
See the sun again.
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Now I've found a
Heart to call my home.
Like a phoenix
I have risen from the flames
Like a Phoenix
I have risen from the flames
No more living
Someone else's dreams.
I have cried too
I have cried too long
I have cried too
I have cried too long
No more sorrow
Got to carry on.
You almost had me, old lady
You almost tied me down good
You played the lady in waiting
And I waited as long as I could.
Too long the songs have been silent
Too long the strings have been still
I never knew what you wanted
And I guess that I never will.
Like a Phoenix
I have risen from the flames
Like a Phoenix
I have risen from the flames
No more living
Someone else's dreams.
I have cried too
I have cried too long
I have cried too
I have cried too long
No more sorrow
Got to carry on.
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