Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Watching A Friend Fall In Lust.

I just did a thorough rereading of some email a friend shared with me. She is convinced that her life will become whole when she finds the person of her dreams, that (pseudo) psychics have told her about. (For a price, of course). If it was possible to complete a life via another person, I'd have done it by now. What I got for my effort was some of the best sex I've ever experience AND being beaten for two years. Batterers are charismatic, charming and other centered, until they capture you. Then they reveal their unbelievably selfish and out-of-control "true" nature.

People asked me why I chose to abandon everything I couldn't carry on my back, when I finally fled from this abusive relationship. It is simple. Because these people can be so charming, when it suits them, I was afraid of being enticed back, if I had any contact with this individual. I learned the hard way, that whirlwind, we're involved immediately, relationships are a recipe for pure disaster.

I have come to trust my platonic friendships as real, on-going and precious. I have come to trust my judgment, about how much to 'risk', with whom and when. Healthy people are cautious. They've been burned, and have seen others burned. Real anything takes time and effort. If you need a quick test for lust, try this. When you think about this person, are you interested in their thoughts, or do you just want to get naked somewhere with them and 'have at it"? We all have moments of temptation, but as someone said at church:

"There is a difference between a bird landing on your head or letting that bird hang around and build a nest in your hair". So true.

I am deeply saddened by where my friend appears to be headed. She has known this man, (via email, and phone) for less then a week and they are both discussing, erotica. She tried to slow him down and although he tried to temper his emotions for her benefit, he ended his email with: "kisses," Red flags are up and flying, but my friend doesn't want to hear about it. I have had a sad feeling about this gal for awhile, as I watch her psychic 'helpers' drag her ever deeper into the idea of getting her man, (complete with a physical description) and encouraging her continued travel down this path. It is really true, that money can buy almost anything. The one psychic who called my friend on her lopsided life-approach was completely rejected as being 'inexperienced'.

Here's the deal. Sex is the LAST piece of the relationship, not the appetizer. Religion knows this, hence the prohibition against out-of-marriage sex. See, us females release a hormone, the first time we have sex with a partner which gives us that "goofy" quality men are so mystified by. For the men, sex is NOT the same as for the female. After sex, a man is satisfied physically and when spiritually evolved, emotionally connected to his wife. But a man can have sex just for the physical release. Women aren't wired like that. We tend to want to "nest", and swoon. One comic put it perfectly:

"You totally lose your mind. He calls you up and leaves a message like: 'Gawd I hate these damn machines,' and hangs up. You collapse in romantic fantasies, until reality finally dawns and you are left asking yourself: 'what was I thinking?'"

Health proceeds slowly. Our over-sexed culture believes that to have sex, is like kicking the tires on a possible car purchase. God designed sex to be the capstone on a healthy pair of friends who have committed their lives to each other. The three good marriages I'm familial with ALL involve on-going effort for and towards each other. Lust is effortless, love is not a feeling, but a commitment of the will. I fear for my friend. As in so many other experiences watching people making my former mistakes, I feel old and a bit drained, as they innocently ignore my warning about the up-coming cliff. Telling me all the while that I'm wrong, as I watch them fall and disappear over the edge.

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