Saturday, July 29, 2006

Paying the Price of Poor Self-Discipline.

CyberGal has gotten buried in my church's website maintenance. My duties are not unfair, or overbearing. But, when you do nothing for a month, it takes a great deal of time and effort to catch up. Oh, I am teaching myself the lesson about self-discipline. I'm near completing the duties of the website. I want to scream, never look at it again and pretend I know nothing about it! In short, I'm weary of this task.

I am learning the joys of keeping up with my email and RSS news feeds. Done daily, these things don't stack up to that overwhelming point of fifty newsletters to read. I am current with my personal and professional news and information. I've learned to keep that inbox empty, even in the face of being tired. I am forcing myself to stop making excuses. I now will maintain the church website with the same diligence.

Due to getting so far behind, my other two projects have been put on temporary hold. I have begun the research on my writer, but have not begun the reading for the in depth articles for this blog on the Mentally Ill Care Taker. My goal for today is to get back on track with these two projects.

I am teaching myself that it IS POSSIBLE TO CHANGE. As they say at church, there is no power on earth that can defeat a made up mind. The business of taking care of one's business as an adult, and not like a raging six-year-old is not glamorous. I never fantasize about this transition. Who day dreams about repenting of immaturity and resolving to really solve the problem? We fantasize about the rewards that come AFTER the hard work (we conveniently ignore).

I am learning to "possess my own vessel". Last night at church I was corrected on a minor issue of how to address one of our church elders. I got immediately angry. I let myself relish all the little things which bug me about on-going church involvement. I was getting ready to do a serious in-church pout. Thankfully, I remembered some advice I'd heard from another member battling the temptation to "have a snit". Even though I didn't "feel" like doing it, I forced myself to fully participate in the prayer, singing and testimony activities. The "snit" gave way to my normal contentment with our church. A member has just been told she has bone cancer. I can pray for her, thanking God for her healing, as well as, her beautiful and courageous spirit under trial.

Once again, I realize, that not everything in church is centered around little old me. I truly desire to leave the world of the "fool" to join the world of the "Wise". Let me fall in love with rebuke, feedback and differing opinions. Let me embrace the dismantling of my base character, so others can see more of Jesus and less of me Let me grow up God! Funny, I prayed those thoughts at around 12:30 PM and God was beginning the process of reclamation by 7 PM. I am thankful I still want to stay in the fight.

For me, religion has given me the structure for growth I missed as a child. I have tried to embrace maturity via secular means and failed miserably. Even though Christianity has problems, I have found Jesus to be worth the effort of investigation and continued pursuit. Even though I may be tempted to pout, from time to time, I know that God's plan seems to work a whole lot better then CyberGal's plan.

I hope you all find some hope and comfort in my musings. Recovery is real and on-going, but it is effortful. May we all learn to stop resenting that part of the process.

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