Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Few Christmas events: to make you laugh, when you shouldn't.

I have a talent for leaving a trail of smiles, giggles or belly laughs everywhere I go. Sometimes, I'm completely unaware of my affect on those around me. First, a story from when I was in therapy with G. B., and then a little tale of a Southern Baptist Christmas Play.

In therapy, we would do several minutes of small-talk, before I'd plunge back into the dreck that was my childhood. I'd had a run-in with another (sigh) moronic Rehabilitation Counselor. For those of you who work for The Department Of Vocational Rehabilitation, and aren't moronic, you have met them too! This clown advised me to "go to a bad college, so you can get better grades". I was totally outraged and deliberately brought to therapy, wrap-around sunglasses, with my white cane. I stood up, slapped on the sunglasses and did a really campy version of "Born to Lose" by Ray Charles. I had Ray Charles shoved down my throat as a role model, when he was having real problems in his personal life. He was just pathetic on a Mike Douglas Show interview, in the late sixties. My doctor laughed lightly, but he had to get me down to business. This happened in late summer.

So Christmas came around that year. I was still at the stage of not really being able to cope with it, but attempting to take 'advice'. I was dragged to a Southern Baptist Christmas Play. Please, don't take offense. Every group has its quirks. I have great affection for these seriously dedicated folks. But, the group I was with, took their religion VERY SERIOUSLY. However, they had a problem. Among their teenagers, no boy would portray Joseph for the play, so a girl dressed in drag, (!) had to play the part. The woman who related this information, sees nothing amusing in it at all. (I wanted to roll on the floor, as these folks gave new depth to the term homophobia.) So, I'm in the second row, as the guest of my very good (but serious) friend. We are in a high school gym/auditorium with the stage marginally made up to look like the inside of a barn. A bale of hay at the front of the stage, and painted animals on the back wall. The play is the reenactment (with modification) of a conversation between Joseph, Mary and one of the Three Wise Men. Can you spell 'tacky'?

Being these folks are Southern Baptist, they read from scripture, whenever possible. The baby Jesus is played by a baby doll. Things progress as one would expect (assuming you can ignore the girl in drag playing Joseph). As the play was winding down, it was apparent that the girl playing Mary, was getting really fed up and tired. She got to the place where she was to put the Baby Jesus on the bale of hay. She literally tossed the doll onto the fore stage bale of hay. Baby Jesus was all splayed out with his head hanging over the side of the bale of hay, facing the audience! He looked exactly like he'd 'tied one on' earlier in the day! I wanted to scream out: "Hey, somebody better get that baby to detox!" I have never prayed so hard: a) not to laugh and b) not to wet my pants, in all my life.

So, Therapy rolls around. I walk into the office and try to tell G., that I didn't laugh. I then absolutely laughed until I cried. G., joined me in the laughter, as soon as I was able to relate the story. I told him then, and I'll tell you now: you will never be able to view a Christmas play again, without wanting to laugh. Why should I be alone in this? The holidays drifted ever closer and when I next came to therapy G., had words for me.

"You'll never guess who was on last night. And you'll never guess what I did. You have caused me to convince my wife I'm a weirdo, who likes to laugh at the handicapped" He was trying to sound stern, but not being very successful.

"The wife and I are watching TV, Ray Charles comes on. (You know I don't discuss anything that goes on in here.) That way, I'm sure to keep it all confidential. Well, he comes on and sure enough, starts singing "Born To Lose". Since I was at home and not at work, I laughed until tears rolled down my face. I kept seeing you! I can't even talk. My wife gives me a look, like: you're laughing at him? You know I never discuss what goes on in here. I had to just let her think I enjoy laughing at the handicapped. Thanks a lot!"

With that, I wish you all a great holiday. I will be taking a week off from blogging, as I'm going to be dog and house sitting between Christmas and New Years (Song: "I'm In The Money") The couple giving me my trip to Tahoe in April has already socked away some money towards my planned delinquency - they regretted they didn't have a wrapped gift for me! These folks are such nice people. I'm going to try and save enough for 3 nights and 4 days. Best wishes to all my readers!

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