Disability: "we Need Volunteers, But We Didn't Mean You."

Hello impotency, despondency and tears which never seem to end. Here's the deal as I've lived it. The unsaid rule is something like this: "We know you can't really be useful, so, we'll give you money. Now, please, just go away." You show me a major disability and I will show you a person who has trouble believing they are really worth anything. Why? Because in big and small ways, they constantly, receive the above message. There is a chronic isolation that drives the disabled to befriend each other, as sometimes, trying to befriend the able bodied just gets too hard. Eventually we get smart and a) quit trying, b) quit hoping and c) accept the realities of a) and b).

This is one of the few times I long to get really drunk. A swamp of pain is floating around with no satisfactory solution. We had a church breakfast today. It was a major event. Big wigs from the district were there and I had stated my intention to stay behind and help clean up. The last time we had a meal I had to exit before clean-up due to other commitments. Up until today I was under the illusion that my participation in physical labor was useful and wanted. I made the mistake of trying once again and believing, that, "this time, this group of people, would be different". Since I haven't been able to ditch blindness or the newest addition to my gig, walking issues, how can things be different?

Everyone was rushing around while I cleared a few plastic dishes and threw them away. I stubbed my toe on a chair, but for me, that is no big deal. I was asked by person A, to bring her dishes from the kitchen area, to be washed. Upon arriving in the kitchen person B, was just a little too polite and solicitous when she brought me back to reality:

"We're moving pretty fast back here. I don't want you to get hurt." Translation. Please go away, we work faster and safer without you.

I saw the writing on the wall and quickly informed person A, of my intension to leave. She then went back very angry at person B - until she got clued in to the situation. Then person A, didn't try to dissuade me from leaving. I'm sure everyone felt bad, but with me gone, they could get on with life without needless delay.

Friends, this stuff still really hurts. It hurts bad enough I feel like doing something stupid, childish and rebellious. As I said, right now, I wish I could get drunk out of my mind. The problem with this situation, is I do work slower, see less and basically would slow down the hysterical pace of a bunch of dedicated church people who saw a way to get gone as fast as possible. Unlike racism, where there is nothing physical hindering performance, I can hardly compete up against someone with 20/20 vision who is totally ambulatory.

I used to think it was my pride that is screaming. I just can't quite find peace over being so isolated. Oh, sure, I do things for the church. Real things, but they are done off site, at my computer, alone. It is the lack of company that is killing me. Now I see why I can't shake this one. I had the same problem on the job and in school. As long as we are at our work stations, pews, or desks I was welcome to be there. But, socially, where to you get to know people? Volunteering together, or going out to eat. Activities away from work, school, or church. I am having to grieve the loss of something I thought I had found. A way to make some social inroads. Yes, part of it is my fault. I don't know how to gracefully break into a conversation. I do tend to hang back in a crowd.

This does answer why some of us disabled chase after employment, as though we are searching for The Holy Grail. Work is another place, where you can (supposedly) be with and enjoy other people. I've seen several blind people have breakdowns over having absolutely no social life and no energy to change that reality Because the act of working sapped all their energy. Many totally blind people are tolerated on the job, but somehow never break into the social scene. After awhile, usually about 20 years, you just stop pushing so hard.

I realize I am grieving spending the remainder of my life, as I have spent it up until now. Unless specifically asked to help, I'll do what I've always done. I'll go home and play "nice" in my room. It is the loneliness that is killing me. The dread of more of the same, anyway.

1Th. 5:18 "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." Here is the Bible way, the right way. The way I pray I can quickly return to. I've never faced down the Loneliness Monster before. I know God will help me, now that I have some idea of where the real problem is.

No, I don't have this one resolved. How can a human being expect to really be at peace with the reality of being too screwed-up for an intimate relationship and finally realizing that I'm always going to be like a beloved pet, or football team mascot? I have trouble interacting with people. It is lots better at this church, then at any other, but people are too busy to do social activities.

I've tried the local senior center, where I meet people who are tragic (older) versions of myself. So lonely, they just are driven to talk. I only give of myself in that environment. I don't find many of my needs being met, although, since I am a good listener, I am liked. I come home from several hours there completely drained and sad.

I'm going to try volunteering at a pet shelter. They need someone to "pet and socialize" the stray kittens, puppies, dogs and cats, before they are "adopted". I am so beaten down by the constant hassle over my disabilities, I probably won't actually carry this out. I can't face more rejection, especially for a volunteer position. Eventually I will be ground down to a numb kind of acceptance. I pray a lot, because I can't face a life without company. Right now, in the midst of pain, it is hard to focus on God. I have to let my very real sadness hang around for awhile, and I'll once again become at peace with my life, as it is, and not as I foolishly believe it "should" be.