The Problem of Forgiveness.

I find myself in a very angry black mood. The exit of my x-gay-touting-friend has stirred up some issues I though I was actually done with. Suprise, suprise, Suprise! Before I get into what forgiveness is and is not, in relation to us abuse victims, I'll show you how to know when you need to use forgiveness.

When you discover you are back in a black rage. You close your eyes and discover you are entertaining yourself with violent revenge fantasies. You are really depressed and it responds to none of the normal things that break you out of that depression. When you are sitting on rage, it feels like depression. When you actually can admit that you are enraged, your depression leaves and then you only have to deal with being madder then you've ever let yourself be. Believe it, or not, this stage is also part of recovery.

If you have any fear of actually acting out that rage, get help immediately. Do you need to do time in jail because you are still mad at 'them'? This is no joke and can set you back badly, if you need help with anger and refuse to get it.

For me, I know I am not in danger of finding someone and doing violence upon them. I do have to be very careful, how I handle this episode. I do need to acknowledge the real damage done and how it has hampered my personhood. I also have to find someone I can really talk to. Break down the insane ugliness and fears. I am thankful, that my current pastor isn't bothered by my background. I gave him enough information to gage his reaction. I cannot and will not visit this painful territory alone. It is a very bad idea to try to heal in isolation.

Forgiveness is not a synonym for 'forget'. When you go bankrupt and are 'forgiven' $8,000 in debt you simply can't pay, this means two very separate and different things. a) Your former creditors 'forgive' the debt. They take a loss and don't try to get you to repay the money. b) They keep a record of how you stiffed them, and you will have a really difficult time convincing them, or other potential creditors to trust you with more then a monthly bill, in a small amount. Notice, you don't get out of the consequences of bankruptcy, just the actual debt collection process.

When I think of forgiveness, I think of a legal process. I give up my right to demand 'justice' from those who have wronged me. For me, I let God handle it: "Vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord". I try and pray for the situation, or person. I have ranted very insincere prayers at the beginning of this process. It is a PROCESS. Praying that my 2nd mugger would get AIDS felt much better, then pleading for his eventual salvation. Praying for his salvation, however, helped me to let go of my rage and chronically replaying memories of the mugging. My entire desire to react to him one way, or the other has gone away. I put him and his life out of my immediate consciousness and GO ON WITH MY LIFE.

Remembering the period I lived with my aunt is an ugly job. She was far sicker, then just a garden variety alcoholic. I had to get into some really bizarre reading, before I even discovered her personality type. I can't even bring myself to ask God to help me 'forgive' her yet. All I can do at the moment is tell God what I remember and pray that He will help me handle it responsibly. I refuse to suffer without being able to turn it into something on this blog. I know how lonely, isolated and confused so many 'survivors' are. I ask God to prepare me to let go of my anger, as soon as possible. I do want to go back to being at peace. Right now, if my aunt were alive, I'd slap her senseless and rage and rage and rage.

By-the-way, I realized I was having a depression problem, when I just couldn't engage in my normal chit-chat with close friends. I am not in a mood to joke around, and laugh and don't have the energy to 'fake it'. I have had the wisdom (thank God) to alert a few folks as to why I'm not around as much. To me, that is just courtesy. For me not to talk and joke is a real shift. I know it won't last too long, but I have to process some real dreck. I hesitate to actually document some of it, because it is so over-the-top for 99% of even "survivors".